Mum is gone and I'm broken

[JamesCarer]

That's it. I cared for her for 15 years. I knew she was thirsty before she needed a drink. I knew when she was in pain. I could understand her eyes. I never wanted her to feel like she was a burden. I wanted to provide what she needed before she even knew she needed it 

She was the most gentle, loving, caring and compassionate person I knew and I will ever know. She loved her kids above all else and she deserved to be cared for. I would do it all again in a heartbeat 

She didn't speak English well and she would hear me practising the piano often. When she was under palliative care. I made sure she was at home with me. It took some time to find the right doses of medication to keep her calm but her delirium had set in far earlier. I had the Greek TV playing in the background and played her recordings of my piano playing.

As her breathing slowed and I felt her pulse, I thought my pulse had sstopped too and wished she'd taken me with her. "Where are you going without me!" I cried. I held her hand and sat beside her for three hours talking to her and thanking her for being the perfect mum as family arrived. My younger brother was already there.

I remember waking to my brother holding me down after having a semi-seizure. Psychogenic Epilepsy they called it. With neds I started thinking about my future and work. I was a secondary school teacher before caring and I knew the vultures were coming, and they did. From my own family.

Now, I don't want to move. I'm forced to sell my house (vultures), I'm scared, lonely as I was cut off for 15 whole years, and there's this pain in my stomach that won't go away. Sometimes it feels hollow too. I'm 44 and I feel like the bigger part of me has died. It's too intense sometimes. Sometimes it's softer but when nighttime comes, my soul starts to ask for my mum. My beautiful mum. I promised to lead a happy life before Ivrealised how hard it would be. 

I know it's onky been 3 weeks but It seems impossible. I miss you so, so much.

[indigo22]

Hi JamesCarer,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can tell from your words how much your mum meant to you and I know that the loss of a parent is difficult to come to terms with due to the bonds we have.

I think for all of us there is that one person that we will never stop missing, no matter how long it has been.

For me, that's my brother who died 50 years ago and I still miss him. I have lost 3 other family members in the meantime, but none impacted me nearly as much as that loss.

You did your absolute best to give her the best ending to her life, and that is something to be proud of yourself for. She would be watching over you now and wanting you to begin living your own life again.

I know how hard it is to pick up the broken pieces of yourself and try to put them back together and the truth is that some pieces will be near impossible to put back together but you just need to do the best you can and try at some point to move forward.

It has happened so recently that you can't expect too much of yourself right now. In truth, we do lose a piece of ourselves when we lose someone that we love. It's that part of ourselves that we were when we were with that person, and know we cannot be again. The best advice I can give you is to not fight the grieving process. It will come in waves and at unexpected times and will feel like it will never end. But it will come to an end in time, after which you will be able to think of her without the tears and perhaps even a smile when you think about who she was and what she meant to you.

Take the care you gave to your mum and apply it now to yourself.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌻

[JamesCarer]

Thank you for writing to me. I'm sorry for your loss, too. I just didn't know how profound this would all be. I mean, I guess I knew as I was grieving in anticipation for a while. Now she's gone and I really miss her. I hope to God this gets easier because this loneliness and isolation is hard to cope with.

It's usually at night when the emotions peak and so I'm not really sleeping much. I'm not eating much either, having lost 10kg in 3c weeks. Mum would be sad to see this but my stomach is knotted. I get angry sometimes at this supposed 'miracle" of life when we are forced to lose people that are so precious to us. I don't see a miracle at all.

I'm going to just give it more time. My doctor said I haven't stopped and need to grieve.  

[indigo22]

Everything you have mentioned, the anger, not sleeping well, not eating much, these are all part of the grieving process. I promise it will get easier, it just takes time to adjust to her being gone. You can still talk to her and if you pay attention, there will be signs or messages from her. Feathers are a common one where they show up in unexpected places, coins are another usually with a significant year on them. You can ask her to send you a sign that she is still with you too.

I know that it feels lonely at the moment. Try to eat small amounts often rather than big meals until your stomach settles down and drink plenty of water. Your sleep will begin to normalise in the coming weeks. Just try to ride the wave as best you can.

If you need to talk, I will be around to support you, you are not alone.

indigo

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. The love and devotion you gave your mum shine through every word in your post.

No one can tell you how to grieve or when you should start feeling better—grief is deeply personal, and it affects everyone differently. Three weeks is such a short time, and on top of your loss, you're facing so much at once.

Please be kind to yourself. Your love for her hasn’t ended, and neither has hers for you. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way.

Take things one day at a time, and if you ever need extra support, that’s completely okay too.

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi James

I'm sorry for your pain and loss.  It is a dark and lonely space and its so wonderful that you have reached out here.  I have done the same thing today after losing both my parents in the last few years.  I miss them so much but I feel their love around me.  Be gentle with yourself and each out as much as you can, it helps.  You are not alone although it feels like that.  keep connecting through here and where ever you can.  Join some kind of social club even though you probably don't feel like doing that, it could really help.  I wish you peace and comfort in knowing that you cared for your beautiful Mum with so much love and tenderness.  I wish I could say something that brings you comfort, it wont always be this hard xo

[JamesCarer]

Thank you Indigo. It's been a couple of months now and I can't really say it's gotten much easier, especially at night. The days I can distract myself. Thank you for your kind words of support.

[JamesCarer]

I read this a few days ago and what you said about grief being personal is so true. I find myself getting angry at everyone for moving on so fast. Then I remember what you said and I stop the destructive thoughts. 

[JamesCarer]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Those words I didn't really understand until I experienced loss. I wish for you to find comfort and solace but who am I kidding? I honestly don't think I will fully recover from losing Mum. We were so close and I spent 15 years making sure she lived like she deserved. Then, she's just gone. Really? So life would just take her away like that? It makes me so angry. I can't accept that she won't be here ever again. 

Things have lost purpose and meaning. I'm trying to reignite the things I love but even those things seem dull, boring and extremely tiring. I know the signs of depression when I see them and at the moment, I'm still grieving. However, I can't return to teaching kids like this so it might be time to see a doctor.

[indigo22]

Dear JamesCarer,

It is a process that won't be rushed, there is a natural flow to grieving provided you don't fight it or expect too much of yourself in the early stages. Even a couple of months is a short time when it comes to grief.

Your loss will always be with you, it will become easier to deal with over time. At the moment it feels heavy and full of emotion, but that heaviness will become lighter. I read that you don't think you will ever recover from this loss, but it's not so much a matter of recovering as it is accepting that death is a part of life, and in the early stages, that is the hardest part to come to terms with.

What you are feeling is totally normal within the grieving process. Grief and depression have many crossover similarities and I think you will find that you are dealing with what is known as 'episodic depression'. That type of depression usually lightens as the grieving lightens because they are interconnected. As you mentioned, a visit to your GP will likely be of help to you at the moment. If you don't need to work right away, give yourself a little more time.

What you will notice as time passes is that, your need to cry will become less pronounced, your anger will begin to ease, your sleep will become less difficult and your need for nourishment will return to normal. Not necessarily in that order and some things may take longer than others because grieving tends to happen in waves. You will find yourself feeling somewhat ok on some days and this is when you know you are beginning to heal. I know that seems hard to imagine right now, but after having gone through the process 6 times, I can assure you that this is how it works.

When my father died, I was unable to arrange the scattering of his ashes at sea for 2 years, I just wasn't ready to do that until the grieving process had run it's course. I was then able to be present for that part as an end to the process.

On the days (or nights) when you are struggling, reach out to the helplines below and talk to someone in real time. I have used helplines in the past to get through some difficult days and it does help to talk to someone.

Griefline - available 8am-8pm 7 days - 1300 845 745

outside of these hours you can also call

Lifeline - available 24/7 - 13 11 14

I will be here whenever you need support.

indigo