Is it normal to feel loss and grief like this?

[Rea]

Five years ago my dad died and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. We had a sometimes turbulent relationship during my childhood but we had finally gotten to best place we'd ever been and I was considering moving interstate to care for him but unfortunately that of course never happened. I cried so hard every day for a month that I gave myself intense headaches and even threw up sometimes. Normal? I thought so at the time as did my then-counsellor. After all, death is traumatic. After a couple of months I was able to live day to day without breaking down, though he still has crossed my mind literally every day since, mostly happy memories. So after getting a grip of my feelings of guilt and regret, this past month everything has come undone. I am suddenly having dreams about him every week which I haven't experienced since the year he passed. The other morning I was dreaming of him and as I woke, before I even opened my eyes, I began to cry. I lay in bed bawling and howling for what felt like an hour. I have dreams of him expressing disappointment in me or I'll dream that I see him in public but he ignores me. I wasn't always the best daughter and I am now having reoccurring feelings of intense guilt and self loathing. How can I go from being at peace with it to suddenly dreaming of him constantly and hating myself all over again? I don't know why I'm writing this here but I'm hoping somebody else who has experienced the loss of a parent might have some insight. Waking up and feeling like he died just yesterday isn't great considering I have finally been getting a handle on my depression and anxiety. This has all come out of the blue and it's overwhelming me to the point where all my old thoughts of self harm have resurfaced. Am I being dramatic? I opened up to a friend about it last week and told her about the past month and was met with "you should be over it by now" which I understand but suddenly I'm not over it anymore. How is that even possible? When I was on the bus yesterday I was just looking out the window and thought I saw him. For a split second I was 100% convinced it was him but then reality hit me and I felt like an idiot. Five years and that happened....it that abnormal? I don't even want to sleep tonight in case I dream of him again.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Rea

I'm so sorry you are experiencing all this. Can I give you a hug?

Ah please, please don't be hard on yourself. It is so good that your relationship with your dad improved. And it sounds like you loved him, because you were willing to care for him. I know too that somewhere within us we want our dad's to be proud of us. And I wonder if they sometimes have trouble expressing that they are actually are proud of us, I don't know??? Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I care about you.

With love

Shelley xxx