Grief, loss and other traumatic events

[TragicDogma]

Hi there, I'm not sure if this is where I should start but Grief and Loss has led me to the position I'm in now.

I have recently lost the person I thought was my soul mate and life love, not only that but because they know they are in the wrong they have become somewhat psychotic. I'm dealing with a myriad of lies and harassment being thrown at me and I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster I don't know what to do with myself.

I guess my main questions at the moment are, Is it possible to *develop* split/multiple personalities, Is it possible to develop them by choice, and what are the psychological effects?

Sometimes I want to shut everything out so much, feel I'm under so much stress, pressure and pain, that I am able to shut everything off and become someone else for short periods of time, its basically still me but minus any background or history, if that makes sense...? I'm just existing.

I have created an alias for myself, well 2, but they are online presences only and don't have any 'life' so to say. But there are times when I feel like I want to switch to BEING that person for periods of time.

I have a very broad personality, like I'm not the same around everyone (I know that's pretty normal for most), but there are parts of me I feel like I would like to section out, like becoming 2 or 3 different people dependant on situation. For example when I'm around others I want to be the happy laughing fun me, when I'm alone I want to become the serious devoted author, and at work I want to be the standard unfeeling corporate drone to get through each day.

 So...

Is it possible, and really is it healthy...?

[white knight]

Hi TD, welcome

I think what you are aspiring to is just an extension of what most of us do. eg. I'm a poet when I feel like being a poet often when I'm in the sad mode. I'm an inventor when I get a good idea. I'm a cook when I feel like being creative and the 20 professions I've had in my working career hits the nail on the head.

You seem however to have gone one step further but that's not unhealthy unless you yourself allow it to get out of control. It wouldn't serve you well if you did. Take the other extreme, the ultimate boring person, now that's a life of misery!!  So live it up, enjoy your other sides because that's you, you are unique and love yourself for the diversity of being....you.

Tony WK

[TragicDogma]

Hi Tony,

 That's definitely an original perspective, trust a writer (poet) to tread the same mental waters as me, I thought I have it under control, but there is part of me that wants to let it go.

I guess the issue is that at times I do feel like a different person, but I don't go to the extremes of being referred to by more than one name dependent, I think the idea of multiple personalities intrigues me for some reason...

I have a passion for psychology and the human mind though, so all aspects of it intrigue me, however I do not want to become part of all aspects if you know what I mean..

I have a very long standing issue with anxiety and depression, low self esteem etc, all due to being used, abused and then abandoned, all my life. There seems to be at least 2 solid sides to me in that regard, either its all present and effecting me in same way good or bad, or none of it is there like none of it ever happened in the first place....

Is that a sign of split personality or is that possibly just the side effects of grief/loss such as the numbness stage?

[white knight]

Hi TD

I'm no psych but my guess is that split personality is a long shot rather than likely.

I've learned to not only accept myself for all my "sides" of my mind but in fact embellish it, love it and thank myself that I am who I am. That's not to say I don't get annoyed with the depression, dysthymia, bipolar 2 and fragments of anxiety that are there. I observe people and the more I see the more I like myself.

Originality, not being a sheep, like all the rest is essential to remaining unique. Uniqueness is wonderful. I wrote this poem when on that journey to accept myself.

 

SOCIETY OF SAND 

I’m sitting in a desert
Upon sand of friend and foe
Can’t find a piece of turf
Where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain
Then watch as it escapes
Just like some friendships
A barren temporary landscape 

I create my own oasis
By weeping on a weed
But the sand around me laughs
Cause it doesn’t have a need

 Till lately it be the friends
That helped me walk the land
They holding me up under my feet
-supportive grains of sand 

I begin to sink so slowly
As they gather my precious hide
The quick sand laughing so loud
A kind man says goodbye 

And as I become one of ‘them’
My heart now granuled and dry
I try to weep to water the weed
But sand has no means to cry

 Damn it! I struggle so
Be damned if I be like them
I crawl out of the society of sand
To remain the man I am…

Tony WK 

[pipsy]

Dear TragicDogma.  I get the feeling you're trying to 'fit in' wherever you are by being everything you think everyone else is.  All of us want to 'fit in' and we wear many 'hats' to do this.  I guess as long as you are aware of this and can control it, that's the main thing.  Once your many 'personalities' take over, that's when you lose 'you'.  When we're at parties, we all try to be the 'life of the party' because that's what we think is expected of us.  If we're at a funeral, everyone is in mourning, again, whether we knew the deceased well, we still cry over their death because it's 'right'.  If someone burst out laughing at a funeral, everyone would frown, unless it was a direct relative of the deceased.  When we 'shut down' I think it's because we're unsure how to act, what to say.  it's sometimes better to say nothing, than open your mouth to 'change feet' as the saying goes.  At work it's the same pattern, we 'go with the flow', no matter what the circumstance, we try to wear the appropriate 'hat'.  Not always easy, but life isn't easy. 

[TragicDogma]

Hi Pipsy, Thanks for your input.

Its not so much about fitting in as it is about, I guess, not wanting to be myself. That's what I think I'm trying to get away from. Myself, my depression, my history..

Ive never tried to be someone else around others, but in saying that, its almost how I behave. Im sure im not the only one who just temporarily changes around certain people or situations, but its just natural for me to do that to a certain extent, not so much my personality that is very consistent but energy levels & motivation etc, what I feel like doing, that does fluctuate depending. My humour, how I talk and care for others etc doesn't change and yet ive been told many times im like a different person.

Ok I have to cut this short, im feeling funny.. Not explaining myself properly either, but screw it im not going to delete what I wrote... Ill try come back to it I guess..

Anyway thanks for your input.