I miss you too much

[Guest_30824505]

I lost my mother in 2011. It still feels like yesterday. 

 She was my best friend and I'm still struggling with her not being here.

 I want to move forward with my life for my kids, but I can't seem to get there.

 I wish I could let her go. Im so scared I'll forget her. I just wish it was all a bad dream.

 My partner of 15yrs is not empathetic and so when I'm upset he tells me to just get over it and I'm being pathetic. Honestly, I do feel  pathetic and totally alone.

  Even after 15yrs I still feel like I'm still a stranger to him.

Please help me to be able to move on by myself because I dont have anyone else 

[therising]

Thank you dearest Eagle Ray. Your words are of great comfort and so much appreciated. While the waves of emotion come and go, some are small and some feel like Tsunamis. ❤️

[therising]

Dear Guest

As you can see, there are the most beautiful people on the forums here, none of who would ever say 'Just get over it' or 'You're being pathetic'. These are the kind of amazing people to turn to. The kind of people who don't leave us down or bring us down. They are the kind who hold love and potential to raise us.

My mum and I discussed on occasion over the years how I would manage her passing, as I have a history of depression and she worried how I would cope and not find myself in another depression. I reassured her I would do whatever it took, when it came to finding positive resources, to manage. Btw, she knew the time would eventually come, as she was continuing to develop a number of chronic conditions. With the forums here being a promising resource for you, with the incredible people here being a resource for love, compassion, warmth and guidance, come here whenever you feel the need. 

My husband can be a very hugging person toward me, especially now in my life. Hugs are not what I need from him, yet he insists on trying to hug me. While I feel my daughter and sister hug me with every ounce of their soul, they are my go to people for hugs at the moment, as we embrace each other and make greater sense of this time and the way forward. If what we need is to be raised by our partner not through hugging and not through words about just getting on with life, if they can not search deeply for what we need after have known us for so long, how well do they really know us? The loss of someone we love so much is a telling time, in so many different ways.

[therising]

Dear Guest

Checking in on you, seeing how you are and how you're managing. You are obviously someone who is so full of love, especially for your mum. 

It can be so hard to form a new relationship with our mum, one that's no longer in physical form. How do we do it when we were never given any positive mind altering tips on how to do it, before our mum passed. We were never prepared. Everyone manages or struggles differently. I think one of the most therapeutic ways forward can involve talking and feeling our way through our struggles with others, while endeavoring to work out exactly what we're struggling with and feeling. So many emotions we've maybe never felt before. New ones can be so hard to work out but I have faith that we can (work them out). ❤️

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest and therising,

I hope you are both doing ok? The rising, how are you going with the waves of emotion? I know that thing where they vary between small waves and tsunamis.

I agree with you that we often don't get prepared for these kinds of events and emotions and are left to struggle through them when they happen. I think in some other societies there are better structures in place for providing holding spaces for emotion and grief in particular. After the Black Summer bushfires I went to a gathering in the city in Perth (not even on the same side of Australia where the worst of it was happening, though we had some fires going too). A group of Aboriginal women led a crying session where they just let out keening and crying and we were invited to join in if we felt the need to express ourselves in this way. So often in this society there is no visceral outlet for grief and we can feel we don't have permission to really express our internal world of emotion. I have learned that when I can express this internal world, certain internal pain gets released. Of course it doesn't fix the loss or the grief but it can sometimes help, and I get the sense it helps even more when it's socially sanctioned and supported. It's harder when trying to do such things alone. Anyway, I am here to listen to you, and you too Guest, if you need to express your feelings.

Hugs,

ER

Take care 🙏❤️

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

Grief is such an interesting process. It can be so full of surprises and mysteries. I think we're blessed to have people around us to help us solve the mysteries, as to why we can be feeling the way we are at times. With a history of times in depression throughout my life, I've learned that if I can make better sense of how and why I'm feeling the more challenging emotions, there's less chance of them bringing me down or me staying in them. While the emotional surges are still coming, the waves are definitely coming further apart. I had a couple of people in my life help me make sense of why I couldn't help but cry when disposing of all my mum's x-rays and scans the other day, while in the midst of cleaning out her house. When I asked 'Why am I feeling so impacted by this?', they suggested that not only was I the one to take her to so many x-ray/scan/specialist related appointments over the last 10 years or so, recalling my partnership with her in lovingly supporting her, these images were also evidence of her challenging conditions during that time. I was feeling the loss of that partnership we shared while also feeling sadness for her. There's been a lot to make sense of, a lot that has come to light and a lot that will continue to come to light. When light is shed, darkness lessens.

Having safe places to grieve is definitely key when it comes to unlocking ways forward. I like the idea of crying sessions or crying circles. Such strong powerful emotions expressed and shared. So, a place and a time of venting and great power. There can be such an experience of sadness, powerlessness and holding on to emotion when feeling so alone. 

One of the most interesting things I've discovered is how triggered I am to tears when reflecting on my own sadness. I can just hear my mum saying 'You have got to stop upsetting yourself like this. Stop focusing on how sad you are and focus more on changing your life. Stop wasting your time'. She made me promise her, in the weeks leading up to her passing, that I would begin to change my life for the better. I've been drifting for the longest time, within a marriage that's empty, in a direction that's aimless, in a life that lacks energy, purpose and passion. In my mind (in meditation), I see and hear my mum saying 'Are you going to simply speak of change or are you going to actually change your life? Stop talking and start doing'. Her passing marks a time of great transition not only for her but for those who remain here while being challenged to evolve. 🙂

[indigo22]

Hi therising and guest, (👋 ER)

My apologies for intruding on your conversation with ER. I felt the need to share from my own experience.

Please don't expect too much of yourself too soon, we are meant to go through the stages and when we come out the other side, we have more clarity to make decisions that will change how our lives look going forward.

It has only been a few weeks, let yourself be in this moment and work through the emotions you are feeling. Your mum would be able to see that you don't have the capacity for change at this time but will be there to comfort you for now and be there to cheer you on when you are ready. Those on the other side don't have expectations and judgements like we humans do, you will never be judged by anyone other than yourself.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo 🌹

[Eagle Ray]

Hello therising, indigo and Guest,

Therising, I think it's amazing you are able to view grief as an interesting process that can be full of surprises and mysteries. I think when we can engage our curiosity about it, it takes some of the sting/pain out of it and we can see how it ebbs and flows. I think it is very true, that being able to make sense or meaning out of emotions helps to prevent them being chronically stuck. One thing I have become so aware of recently is that my chronic patterns of dissociation have probably kept grief from moving through for me, because to be dissociated is to not be present with something. But when you are in presence with something and have that open curiosity, it's like the thing itself becomes more flexible and movable.

I relate very much to what you say about your mum's x-rays and scans. I felt the same when I threw out my mum's x-rays, medical reports etc. It totally makes sense that you had those feelings and I'm glad you had some others around you to help make sense of them.

I think, as you say, that grief often does open up a lot of reflection and in that reflection there can be evolution and change. It might be too that a lot of focus went onto the care of your mum, but now it is like she is freeing you up with the message she shared and the desire you also feel to find the energy, purpose and passion you mention. But also I really agree with indigo that it's important to not put too much pressure on yourself and expect too much of yourself too soon. While your mum is that shining beacon, I'm sure she would also want you to go gently and with the greatest of care towards yourself.

Sending hugs and support 💗

[therising]

Dear Guest

I hope you return for the great support and guidance people here have to offer. I've come to realise, thanks to people in my life like Indigo, Eagle Ray and others that it's about the right kind of support and love from the right people/guides, as opposed to focusing on a lack of much needed support from those we can't rely on.

Eagle Ray and Indigo, you're absolutely 100% spot on when it comes to my mum insisting on me being kind and patient with myself and not judging myself too harshly. There have been some small changes or steps so far on a new path. While they are small, a change of path is no small thing itself and I take comfort in that while finding it exciting as well. Who knows where it will lead. Developing more soulful practices is serving me well, as I set off on this path. 

One of the things I struggle with is the sense of loneliness in feeling certain emotions that no one else seems to feel, such as the overwhelming emotion regarding the x-rays/scans. Thanks Eagle Ray, for touching on that. I've gone from feeling a sense of 'foolishness' regarding my reaction, to feeling confidence in the fact that not only are my emotions at times valid but relatable to some. This is a part of my new path, developing confidence in my emotions while trusting that they are telling.

In our grief we come to know ourself far better. We could say 'I am more feeling than I previously imagined. I am more loving than I once believed possible. I am more determined to develop healthier and more supportive relationships and let go of the relationships that bring me down. I am more capable compared to what I once believed'. ❤️

[Eagle Ray]

Those are such wise thoughts therising. I love what you say about developing confidence in your emotions, something I realise I am trying to do too. There is no foolish or wrong emotion, and I think all emotions are communications from the heart, soul, memory and nervous system.

It's so true what you say about the steps being small, but the change of path being no small thing. I feel I am trying to change paths at the moment and it feels both huge in terms of the path to walk, but small in terms of the steps I can take. I think patience is going to be my friend in that process and remembering to enjoy the journey each day.

Guest, if you are still reading, I hope you are doing ok and feel free to share any memories or feelings about your mum. I lacked people to talk to following my mum's death, in terms of people who could support me in my grief, so I know it can feel awful when it feels like you have no one to share with. It can be very validating and make things easier to process when we can share with someone who is understanding and present with our experience.

Hugs to everyone 💕

[therising]

And hugs to you, dearest Eagle Ray. Although we travel separately through out own personal terrain, we travel in spirit together on the same quest, one full of challenge, feeling, evolution, mutual love & support and more. ❤️🤗