I lost my grandfather and i feel guilty about every wrong thing i've done.

Guest_7037 · ‎10-10-2021

I'll start from the beginning. When i was a kid, my biological father abused my mum a lot and never cared about me. My mum left me with my uncle and aunty and they were taking care of me, till i grew old enough to leave the place. But whenever i something wrong, they were physically abusive that they would not realise the negative impact that it would have on me. Sometimes i would even hide under my bed and say to myself "It's better if i die". I could not take it. My getaway was my grandpa's house around the suburb, i'd always go there to feel better. Sometimes i did stupid things but he undestood the fact that i was a kid and he was the only one who never raised his hands on me. I never loved someone so much as much as i did to my grandpa and grandma. When I was 15, i moved to my mum's house, there a lot of things that i did wrong, not listening to my mother while she was a single mother and struggling to work by herself, not helping her and only caring about myself. I wished i was there for her. Recently, my grandpa passed away and there are infinite things that i would like to say to him, infinite things to do for him, infinite things to rectify my mistakes. There are so much things that has happened in my life and it all comes to me in one hit. I call it guilt. I wish i could have done better, i blame myself for his death because i made a promise that i could not fulfill. So far, his death and guilt, especially guilt are the worst pain that i have ever felt in my life. The guilt that i feel feels ike it will never go away. I have ways to amend for the bad choices that i have made but i don't feel that the amount of guilt that i have will go away. My dream is to be a good father and husband when i get married at an older age. Because my mum got abused by the man that never cared about me. I also want to gain as much knowledge as i can. I know that's what my grandfather would want me to do. It's too late to apologise and it would not change what happened in the past. At the moment, i live happily with my mum and her partner, but my guilt outweights my happiness on the outside once in a while. I wish i told my grandpa how much i love him. i wish i did not do make the bad choices that i did in the past. i wish he could see me as the man that i am today, taking responsibility for his actions. I feel guilty every once in a while whenever i feel very anxious and depressed about it. It's very nostalgic. Someone please tell me they undestand.

Sophie_M · ‎10-10-2021

Hi Guest_7037,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your feelings around your grandfather. We can understand the pain and the loss you have experienced with the loss of your Grandpa. We know you are in a difficult place at the moment and we want to assure you that feelings such as guilt are normal when someone so close to us passes away.

We think that it would be worth giving us a call on 1300 22 4636 to talk through your experiences with your grandpa. It can be difficult to open up, but wonderful team can talk to you about strategies for when you are feeling low as well as talk about how you get other support in the community. You can also call our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14, Griefline 1300 845 745 or KidsHelpline 1800 55 1800.

If you prefer, there are also a number of webchat options if talking on the phone doesn’t work for you. They are not all 24/7 but you can check out these links if you want to try it that way:

Beyond Blue: https://online.beyondblue.org.au/WebModules/Chat/InitialInformation.aspx

KidsHelpline: https://www.kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

Lifeline: https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/online-services/crisis-chat

Thank you again for your post today and for sharing with us. Please feel free to update us on how you are feeling if you are comfortable.

Petal22 · ‎11-10-2021

Hi Guest_7037,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry for the passing of your grandpa and I’m also sorry that you are feeling this way I understand it would be difficult for you.

Im also sorry that your Aunty and Uncle were physically abusive that must have been hard on you.

Please try to forgive yourself…… forgive yourself for the things you didn’t know then but you know now in this version of yourself…… we all grow and we all learn in different ways…. forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow.

Im sure your grandpa knew how much you loved him….

Please speak to your gp and discuss how you are feeling, you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Ggrand · ‎11-10-2021

Hello Dear Guest_7037,

I’m so sorry that you had an abusive childhood....yet pleased that you had the unconditional love of your beautiful Grandfather.....The love and understanding is something so lovely that you can hold deep in your heart forever....

I think a lot of people have regrets and a lot of guilt when someone we loved and cared for has left us....I know I have many from when my dad and mum passed away....as well as when my husband passed away.....so many things I wanted to say to them, do for them...it hurts yes...a lot...but I’m sure your beautiful grandfather wouldn’t want you to have these feelings of guilt your feeling....

Listening to your words of your future self..it shows me that you learned a lot from him...You learned kindness, empathy, care, and respect for humans....it’s a lovely legacy you have from him to nurture and let them grow inside your heart and soul...

Guest_7037, we all make mistakes when we are younger..no one is perfect...If we learn from those mistakes and become a better person for it....We should continue to try to do so, by forgiving our past wrong choices....and live the best life we can..a life of caring, kindness, forgiving and love to our family and friends...

I think that your Grandfather would be very proud of you, for the way you have changed your life around...He is still you in your thoughts..which are deep inside your heart and soul...When you start to feel guilt brought on by anxiety and depression...Please try hard to bring the beautiful and loving memories you have of him back into your heart...remember the fun times you had together...the caring times you were their for each other.., These are the memories of your grandfather which made you the person you are today....and the memories that your grandfather would want you to have of him..also these are beautiful memories to tell your children, so they can also learn about the kind person their great grandfather was...

My kindest thoughts dear Personne...

Grandy..

Guest_7037 · ‎27-12-2021

Hello Grandy,

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply back. I tried not to face my emotions because it is tough, just as much as it is for everyone. It hurts everytime i think about it.

But thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. This will help me move on and i think that i will soon talk to someone. I believe after the help i received from my family and from this community, i have the courage to forgive myself because that's what he would have wanted. After reading your response, I can't imagine what you have been through, there are no words to describe what you have been through. Thank you for caring.

I empathise with you Grandy,

Personne