Heartbreak

[Hope_1]

My boyfriend broke up with me just over a week ago. I knew it was coming eventually I just wish it didn’t happen. I’m so attached to him and that makes it worse I feel like my life is crashing down and I have nothing to live for or look forward to in my life. He broke up with me because he was struggling and really overwhelmed with work and uni and he needed to work on himself so he can be better for me. He said he didn’t want to stay with me if he knew the stress was going to over consume his life and he wouldn’t be able to be there as much for me and give me what I need in a relationship. He has more of an avoidant attachment style and I have more of an anxious but for the last 2 months I’ve actively been trying to be better for him and knowing that he couldn’t put in the same effort for us hurts. We are still in contact because he said he doesn’t want to lose me and I don’t want to lose him either but I can feel him getting colder each day. I know he still loves me and misses me but I also know he’s emotionally withdrawing and there’s nothing I can do to stop that when all I want is him back. I feel so confused like how can he love me but not have the capacity to be in a relationship, I’m in a weird state of limbo. We have been together for over a year and friends for over 2 years, it sucks that I’m not just losing a partner but a friend. I feel like I gave him every part of my heart and soul and he just broke me. I feel so discarded and unimportant. The worst part is I’m not mad at him, I just miss him and I don’t know how to cope with losing someone that is still so important to me

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Hope

I'm so sorry that this happen to you. It is very hard to deal with a break up as it can feel like a big part of our lives disappeared. You're going through the worst of it at this moment, each day will get a little bit better.

I can see that you're quite confused about this at this moment as it can be very hard to make sense out of things when we're very emotional. When I'm going through hard times, I usually give myself a bit of break and time to heal and process things. At the beginning, it's usually just focusing on one day at a time and focusing on things that might make me feel better. It's hard but there is hope that things will get better and clearer.

I hope that things will get better for you and please feel free to share more whenever you feel like it

[sbella02]

Hope_1, 

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through this, and for it to have happened so recently. That's horrible that you're feeling so unimportant. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you're doing okay right now. Breakups are awful, and you're never quite prepared for the emotional toll they take.

I've been through two quite significant ones in the last two years, and each was just as painful as the other, with similar thoughts and feelings to what you have described. What really did tend to help for me was time, as much as it sucks to hear at this early stage. There are points where it can feel like it will never feel any better. That's very normal. All my breakups have felt like this, and as soul-crushing as it is, the pain does lift over time.

Journaling has been an absolute lifesaver for me. It can really, really help take away that feeling of yearning that us anxiously-attached folks know so well. Every time I have something I wish I could say to them but can't, or if I'm reminiscing about a memory, or if I'm really angry or upset, I'll write about it in my journal. It helps to be able to express everything in a way that doesn't harm anyone or inflame the situation. It also helps to be able to talk yourself through what you're feeling and make sense of any confusion around the situation. Breakups can often be confusing, as somebody can be telling you one thing but their actions show another. Journaling helps to demystify that experience.

Talking to people around me also helped a lot. Like, A LOT. I'm still in that phase of talking to people about it, although now it's less about what actually happened, but it's gotten to the point where I'll reminisce about certain events or memories that come up, as my way of processing what happened.

It's so important to take time to do things for yourself during this time, including trying to get yourself out of the house wherever possible. If you can, try to avoid going to places that remind you of this person in these early stages, as that can intensify whatever you're feeling. I cannot stress enough how much it can help to just be by yourself for a bit, thinking or reflecting on things. I sing and write songs, so I was writing a lot during those first few weeks of my breakups as that was one thing that helped me understand what I was feeling.

When you are ready, I highly encourage going no-contact (the earlier you do this, the better). It can feel counter-intuitive to people who are anxiously attached, I know, as all you want to do is talk to that person and see how they're going and tell them how you're feeling about everything. There's a saying that goes, "you can't heal in the place that hurt you", and the same goes for relationships - unfortunately, talking to the person that hurt you (even if it wasn't intentional) is only going to make that pain worse, as it can trick your brain into thinking you're still together. The sooner you cut contact, the sooner you can start to feel better.

If you think to yourself that you can resume contact when you have both healed, that can ease this pain a little as it isn't a case of "I will never have that connection again", it's more of a "I may have it later". Even if you don't end up resuming contact, you'll have moved on enough by that point that going about your lives not talking feels relatively natural and easy. You may go through periods of no-contact being refreshing and periods of it being really awful, but ultimately it does help you feel better if you're not having that constant reminder that they are there. In fact, it can often help to remove all reminders of them (presents, jewellery, clothes) or move them to a place that you won't often check. 

I hope this resonates with you in some way, and I hope this isn't too much of an overwhelming chunk of advice. I have just been through this relatively recently, and these are all my go-to things that I tend to do on repeat until I start to feel better. 

Please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like, we're here to support you through this difficult time.

Take care, SB