Grief - son gone at 22yrs

White_Owl · ‎08-10-2014

this is my first time here. i don't know where to turn as losing my son in January this year has killed my soul. i feel as if i have exhausted all the support i have had around me and i can see how everyone has gotten on with their lives and rightly so, but that's not where my life is at. this is the loneliest feeling i've ever experienced. it's so hard to listen to people talk about the struggles in their lives as i would give anything to swap my struggle with theirs, i find it difficult to not think of their "complaints or issues" as quite trivial, in fact but i do recall that given one year ago, i too was one of these people thinking i had problems. how a day can change your life, actually not even a day, just those crucial few minutes that you wish you could take back and change. i wish i had a mundane life again with trivial complaints. i feel the only place to turn now is here, where i can be anonymous, where maybe there is someone else feeling what i am feeling to help ease my feelings of loneliness. i don't like it when people say i'm looking good, that doesn't feel like a compliment at all, it feels as if losing my son doesn't matter at all and i have just moved on with life and superficial appearances....even though i know full well that's not at all what they meant. i just cant be happy about anything any more. i also despise it when people say i need to look after myself now and get on with my life.....how offended i am when people tell me that ! let them walk in my shoes and see if they feel like just moving on with life as if they just lost a job or something bearable like that. there's no joy, no passion, no excitement, i'm just an empty shell without my baby boy and can't see the light.

white knight · ‎09-10-2014

Hi White owl, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

In 1979 I lost my brother. He checked out. I worked as a worder in a jail and couldnt stand to see healthy humans wasting their lives away.

And I felt like you. People with trivial issues. I was angry at the world. I lived in a flat at the time and a new family moved in a few flats down from me. A couple from Queensland. I was invited to a party at yet another flat. We residents all attended.

I began talking to the new couple. As usual my anger vented. The lady burst into tears and ran home. I was shocked. Her husband wouldnt explain at the time why. The next day I knocked on their door to apologise and was made a cuppa. They had moved from Queensland to start a new life. Not long ago they lost their 3 children and both her parents in a 4 wheel drive that was in a horrific accident.

This story wasnt meant to make you feel guilty at all White Owl. It is to explain that there are always some people worse off.

It is not easy recovering (wrong word as one never recovers). To "get on with your life". We all grieve differently and we are entitled to grieve as we need to. Often it is pride of their child (as I have of my dad) that gets us through to the light of the end of the tunnel. So grief is often replaced by thoughts of things like- other memories of that person, living in the honour ("I'm so proud of my sons achievements and he'd be looking down at me now happy that I'm having a good day...that's what he'd want"), having others share your grief (grief counsellors?) etc. In other words in most cases full on grief is slowly lessened by diversion and a raising of acceptance.

A parent never think they will survive their children. You were (and still are)obviously a loving and caring parent. How wonderful White Owl. Cradle him in your arm where ever you go, by all means keep him in your heart where he is warm and loved. But try to get this into some perspective and that might need some professional guidence.

Take care. Thankyou for listening

AGrace · ‎10-10-2014

Hi White Owl,

Welcome to the forums. I really do hope that you feel they are an anonymous safe space to come and be around others who may share in a similar experience to that of your own. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I hope that one day you will find the strength and will that is needed to survive such a terribly tragic experience.

WK is right, we do never know who is better off or worse of than us. To some our issues can seem trivial, and to others they seem mountainous. I don't have children, and can't imagine how it would feel to lose a child. I do however know the pain and hurt brought about by grief. I lost my boyfriend to suicide. He was just 20 years old. Far too young to leave this world, and to leave me, his family, and friends behind.

You're right, there comes a time when others appear to have moved on from their grief, and it often feels like you are still stuck in the depths of hurt and despair, and you are left feeling like others obviously didn't hurt or care as much, otherwise how could they just move on as though it never happened. WK is right, that everyone grieves differently. Your grief is still so new, and there are so many stages you will go through. These stages don't form a linear pattern, there is no beginning and no set middle, and no predetermined end. You will float from one stage to the next, and often back again, and sometimes round and round in circles. Don't lose hope thought, as even without you believing or seeing, there will come a time when you are ready to heal. It might not be tomorrow, it might not be next year, but you will heal. I use the word heal, because in my experience it's the deepest wound one will ever face, to lose a loved one, and there is not getting over it, only going through it.

Have you received any form of grief counselling? Have you reached out to any grief support groups? When I lost my boyfriend, there was little help available, but now there's a wide variety of support on offer. Sometimes these supports can be more resourceful than the support our loved ones can give. Walking along side someone who has shared your sorrow, can sometimes make the healing process a little easier to bare. Is this something you would consider? If so, Beyondblue would be able to help you find some appropriate support.

I also wanted to know if you have other immediate family, your son's father for example? Other children? Please only answer my questions if you feel you can.

AGrace

Mz13114 · ‎20-05-2015

To White Owl,

Every single pain you have described is so real to me as well. My beautiful 23 year old son decided to suddenly leave us in Jan. 2014. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am all over the place and have only just trusted myself in public over the last six months by going back to nursing school. I get sick of having to wear a mask and well meaning people saying the most hurtful things, only because they don't get it or are too afraid to talk about it,

The sweeping generalisations regarding how my son died and the language that goes with it in nursing school has frustrated me. Gus' Dad, his sister and I have been told so many times to consider the feelings of others and understand how hard it is for extended family and friends to talk about our son. I don't mean for this to be a griefstricken whingefest, I just realise the stigma with suicide is very hard to cope with when my loss is too hard to bear sometimes.

I always speak to Gus and no longer worry if I'm going mad. It helps me. I am slowly realising that I will never be the same or have the naive belief that if we live well, make sure our children know how much we love them and think the universe will look after us all. But I will never stop being lucky to have had the love of Gus for 23 years and see him become a caring and loving son, partner to his "wifey" Mel, brother and friend.

I know its time for me to get more support because I don't think acceptance will ever be. Grief is dynamic and some days I am able to celebrate who my son has been and even tolerate well meaning people when they tell me those movie cliche's. How selfish, no heaven for him etc. A gift from my grief is that I never stay silent but I will always try to be respectful.

Beyond Blue has had a big impact on me only in the past week. Gus's love, Mel was able to share the reality of what happened in a supportive and caring environment. It's inspiring and also painful as I will always feel guilt and responsibility for loss and trauma she had to endure, as well as his close friends.

Making myself get involved in life and always try to be compassionate is so important to me now. I am slowly understanding that I need to be kind to myself and the guilt I have hopefully grows as a motivator to make sure Gus' life is not defined by the unimaginable pain of his death but by the amazing life we got to share with a shining star.

Yes, today I am going OK. I'm sure the sleeplessness and tears will be back real soon. Grief is such a large part of me now and White Owl, I am so sorry you don't have your son to hug and share all the mortal stuff. It helps to know I am not going insane with grief though at times others think I am.

I know others have lost whole families and endured horrendous experiences. I am still too scared to lessen the unbearable loss Mel, Neil, Tgz and I have gone through. The fallout from such a sudden loss and the frustration of ill equipped health services due to government politics is neverending. The silence around suicide just makes it more taboo on the one hand and also makes it more attractive on the other.

I hope your days and nights become more bearable and like you, I need to become less isolated and hopefully have the courage to return to a support group with people who unfortunately understand the loss of such a treasured and so brief life taken. I am a completely different person now and priorities are very different. My anger takes over sometimes and it does get irrational and bloody annoying to others. I am reflecting more now and am always willing to accept my errors. Well I aim to.

I hope I can trust enough to get some councelling again. I have had a hard time accepting that my llife is all about loss now. Ageing is all about loss and there is some freedom in knowing not to expect a blissful life just because I'm good and caring.

Thanks for sharing your pain White Owl. It has helped me to accept my pain.

Mz13114

Doolhof · ‎20-05-2015

Hi Mz,

I have just read your post. I am so very sorry to read of the suicide of your son.

My husband and I were unable to have live children, I only manage to make it to 21 weeks gestation twice, which meant holding funerals for little perfect babies that didn't have a chance to be born alive. I also had three miscarriages.

Sometimes people don't know what to say, so they say what ever comes to mind. I have been deeply hurt by some of the comments people have made to me.

Then I think, if I was in their shoes, would I know what to say to someone who was hurting so much?

I have found some people do care even though they have no way of understanding the pain and hurt I have felt over the years.

I too hope you are able to find and attend a support group. I have also used the web chat here at Beyond Blue to talk about some of my issues and also the phone chat line.

When people told me that time would heal my wounds I didn't know how to reply to that. "Time" has helped but I still have sad and dark days of unresolved grief.

I'd just like to point out to you that this post you have replied to was started in October of 2014, so I am not sure that White Owl will reply to you.

If you don't receive too many comments here, but you are wanting to share your story further, then I suggest you start up your own post.

I can't comprehend what you are gong through, but I do understand grief and loss.

Thinking of you, from Lauren

Mz13114 · ‎20-05-2015

To Doolhof,

thank you for sharing your unimaginable pain with me. We were discussing grief and loss today and I was talking about how hard it must be for people who lose their babies like you . This is what I said was an invisible grief . People don't mean to be mean, well most, but there seems to be a judgemental time limit on our pain and sorrow.

There is no comparison to anyone's loss and I am so ....... I don't know what word to use.......,, but for someone to take the time to be caring to me while your own pain I could never know is such an unselfish and honest example of no pretend caring. My English is pretty bad but I hope you get what I mean. I am so grateful to be able to talk about Gus coz my partner doesn't want to. He sees a psych who has also lost a child. I am so sorry and selfishly so lucky you spoke to me.

Im not used to forums but I know I can't waste my life in self pity. Sometimes I do but I soon realise I want to celebrate or share our beautiful son and be there for anyone in pain. Sorry for waffling. I hope I can pass on your care and honesty and I will learn from you to love and live and never forget your children or ours.

Neil_1 · ‎21-05-2015

To mz

Thank you so much for coming here and being able to provide your post about your wonderful son, Gus.

It was mentioned that time heals – I refer to it as you are cut open with a huge jagged cut to the body, to the soul and time heals it over (it takes a long time), but what’s left behind is a scar and at times that scar flares up and is painful, very painful.

I’m in a slightly different situation where I lost my closest brother, my best mate, in a drowning accident back in 1991 – I was with him and unable to save him. He was 29, I was 25. Since that time, that has changed me so much and with all that occurred after that and the years after that, things just never got back to anything like they were and yeah, the grief, the guilt, the stabbing pain of loss is still very real for me. Hence why I have my own severe depression and PTSD.

I’m really pleased that you were able to come here and write about Gus and you know, my Mum (who passed away just last October) always told me that she spoke to my brother every night before she went to bed. I just wanted to mention that as you said you speak to Gus and for me, I can totally understand that.

I liked the line you said about how you have the naïve belief that if we live well in the future, the universe will look after us – I hope I got that right – because I think this also. It doesn’t happen that way – the world, the universe, just goes on and on and what ever happens this afternoon or tomorrow, will happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. So we just have to roll with the punches and continue on.

So many times I’ve wanted to shout out to others, how on earth can you keep being the way you are – I’ve lost my brother, my Dad and my Mum – and you act like it doesn’t mean anything to you. Now how selfish is that? Because it wouldn’t mean anything to the general public at all – sure they would sympathise, etc, but 2 mins later, they’ll be thinking or doing whatever it is they are up to in their lives – while we are being ripped apart inside with what seems to be a razor sharp jagged edge knife, that twists and turns.

So onward we trudge – for if we don’t, well the world won’t stop for us.

Ps: you used the word selfish a couple of times and you know, I truly believe you’re not selfish at all. What you were saying, you were meaning with all your heart and that does not make you selfish.

Neil

Doolhof · ‎21-05-2015

Hello Mz,

Thank you so much for your very kind words and acknowledgement of the frief and pain I have experienced.

I think your English is just fine. I really like your description of a grief like mine as being "invisible grief." That is so very insightful of you!

I am so pleased for you that you have come to this forum to share your story with us. If it helps you to write about Gus, then please feel comfortable to do so.

The "Community" here at Beyond Blue care for each other and we all have our own stories. It is through our understanding of hurt and pain that we can reach out to others.

Over the years I have had to understand that my husband, his family and most of mine find it very uncomfortable to talk about our babies. I have learnt to accept that. Also over the years I have been in touch with so many wonderful children, I have been truly blessed.

Do not apologise for thinking you have been waffling. I find that sharing how I am feeling helps me to heal and feel better. You may feel the same way.

I like to light a candle now and then in memory of our babies. I also think of other loved ones who have died.

I hope that in time you find ways to feel a sense of peace with Gus' death. If not, then that is okay as well. We all grieve differently. I do not believe it is being selfish to grieve for as long as you need to.

I do feel though that it is also important to try to restart your life. It will never be the same now Gus is no longer with you, but you can continue to love his memory and learn to live in a different way.

Thinking of you from Mrs. Dools, Lauren

Doolhof · ‎21-05-2015

Dear Neil,

I have just read your post to Mz. I am so very sorry to read of the pain, heartache, immense grief and suffering you are feeling.

I wish I had the words to share with you to take away the anguish you are going through.

Some days I totally understand the feeling of wanting to yell and scream at people and even bang their heads against a wall and ask them what don't they get about the suffering I am still feeling.

You have lost your brother, your mate and maybe your best friend. Some people don't seem to get the loneliness and the ache you can have inside when people you so dearly loved, or had hoped to love in my case are no longer with you.

There is no forgetting the ones we loved, there is no simple way to make the memories cause less pain, but we do need to try to keep living, no matter how much we wish we could go back and change what has happened.

Dear Neil, my thoughts are with you.

Love and cyber hugs from Mrs. Dools

Mz13114 · ‎24-05-2015

Hi Neil1,

I'm gobsmacked at the pain and loss I hear and then get so much honesty. I have taken on your words.......onward we trudge, and they help me to even just get vertical in the mornings. You and your brother sound like you had such an awesome love for each other. I hope my daughter can know she can survive, in a different way, with knowing how much was shared with her brother.

It's helpful to me to know that someone understands how different life is now. I'm so sad that you have lost your best mate and I so get how it is so tempting to rage at people.......... I find it hard to express things but I am so thankful that you took the time to speak to me. This has helped me enormously.

Mz13114.