grief and hatred

Cymru · ‎08-03-2015

My son took his own life not long after the New Year. He was 22 years of age. As a child he was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents’ divorce, his mother dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life. As you can imagine I miss his more than be imagined. I have other children whom I need to be available for. My friends and partner, and my own medical professionals have sought to help me. I take each day as it comes, but with each day the realisation that my son is gone. This is not what I want to talk about. But the context. What keeps distressing me is every time I see some article in the newspaper or professional journal asserting that suicide among young people is getting worse. Only this week, I felt anger when I heard a welfare professional on the radio claim that young people were more likely to kill themselves than die in a car crash. I wanted to yell at them that there has been a fantastic improvement in reducing suicides, but even more dramatically reduction in road fatalities. My partner thinks this anger is just my sense of grief. My doctor nods wisely advising that we know folk twist things to get media attention. I’m still left with my anger. I have told my doctor that I was responsible for keeping my son safe. My doctor at least offers I would feel like that, instead of most folk lamely say I did the best I could. Even if I did, he is still dead. My son sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. I had accompanied him to see a clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments. I’d helped to arrive had also enrolled in a TAFE course. Spent increasing time with him, listened, reassured, tried to get him to come out places. He’d sometimes come to my partners for dinner, to the cinema, cooked together, but other times said he was tired and just wanted to stay home. It still wasn’t enough. But it is people who know better lying about statistics that angers me. I can’t change this. I hate those who tried to big note themselves by making a horrible situation worse. I really hate them! I miss my son. I want him back.

Neil_1 · ‎10-03-2015

Hi there cymru

This is the first time I’ve posted to you, so I’d like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

I’m very sorry to hear of the loss of your son – not long after the New Year, so this is really very raw and new and I can’t imagine what kinds of emotions and feelings you’d be experiencing.

I’ve lost no-one to suicide, but I have lost both my parents and also my brother.

I was only responding to another poster earlier today who was shaken up by people who were telling her that she shouldn’t do this and she shouldn’t do that, as it’s not good for her. The “well meaning” do-gooders, which is a bit of a play on words really, cause all it does for us is to cause us more stress and anxiety. And then I read your post where you hear of welfare professionals stating what they did and the anger that it caused you. I know these two things aren’t really linked, but what I was trying to comment on here was how the opinions of others can have a detrimental effect on us and that effect can be displayed in differing emotions as well.

I’m pleased to read that you’ve got all the right “things” in place for yourself, so the support mechanisms are there; but yes, what support mechanism can be used to combat radio announcements, TV or newspaper headlines? The “off button” or not to buy a newspaper? Although with all the crap that newspapers love to portray in their first dozen or so pages, I always start at the back of the newspaper and work my way through that way. Sport, yes, that is the answer.

The emotions we run through as a consequence of death are so deep and harrowing; I just wanna say that I hope that my post has helped in even a tiny way. And for the simple purpose of unloading and venting, I hope you can come back and post again – and if it’s to be shaped around something else, then again, it’d be great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Cymru · ‎10-03-2015

read the newspaper backward ... I like that ... I have a DVD on tonight but only passingly paying attention. Apparently extreme tiredness is a facet of grief. My older son is like me at present ... we get to work but not much more. I make myself do stuff ... a good friend met me at a blues bar on Sat. but I could only manage the first band. But I don't sleep. My doctor has suggested mild sedatives, which make me groggy. So I read and write ... excessively ... images of Nick are always there ... each morning the first realisation is that I buried him and is gone. I'm this is going to be the rest of my life. As for the blessed statistics ... I teach this for a living ... I know the methodology flaws back to front ... I should be pleased about folk trying to present suicides. Why care if they exaggerate. I'm they only one who knows it is wrong. And it does as much good as harm. I know they mean well. My own doctor prodded me that we all do such things to gain attention to what ever cause. It is just politics. And it amplifying a long time obsession on mine. I really imagine feeling better if I could tell these imaginary people where there numbers are wrong. Which is ridiculous. Nick was so wrong to kill himself as I was helping him. We were getting there. My doctor described Nick's behaviour as an open door in his psyche with no ability to open another. Except I knew how but just wasn't there. I rationally know I could not be there always ... but I was so close to saving him, so very close. I miss him more than anyone else; my partner, father, probably my other sons - Nick and I had our shared interest and afflictions. Anyway, I hate people miss representing figures about suicide and are resigned that my viewpoint will never be listened to. Thanks for your thoughts. I read the paper backward. It is 4C in Helsinki. I would have love to take Nick to see Helsinki.

Neil_1 · ‎11-03-2015

Hi there cymru (just wondering if this is code for something? I’m always on the lookout to solve a riddle – my daughter has instilled some Sherlock Holmes instincts into me, since I’ve watched those shows – with that Cumberbatch chap in them)

But alas, I’m drawing a blank with cymru.

I think key issues are always going to be cropping up through the press and through the news areas – like jobless, people suffering from disabilities trying to get a job, homeless people and also suicide, just to name a few. The thing with these issues is that there is work being done on them each day and as a result, the numbers game will come into play and therefore stats will be linked against each of these (at different times). But as you are clearly aware of, these are not always presented in the right format and so for those ‘in the know’, it can be an annoying and frustrating subject.

With this, I’m not really sure how to advise at all – I just wanted to touch on it with you as this is quite clearly a subject that is giving you grief at the moment; oh and when I mentioned about reading the paper backwards, I usually stop around the cartoon section. J On Friday’s, the race-guide is the optimum piece of journal output that is my “holy grail”.

Ok, enough about me.

When you say you read and write – excessively – may I ask, in particular with writing, are they just thoughts of yours about how things were and how things are now? What your mind is going through and what you are going through physically as well? I’m interested in this, cause I’ve done this for a long long time and am just wondering at what level your writing is aimed at?

I journalled mine, kind of thing and then with the prompting of my psyche, I created my own life story – obviously up till now; so I can’t really determine how it’ll end just yet. But I then went back through all my writings and I then inserted them into various parts of my story and for the most part, I’m pretty damned happy with how it all looks. I guess it’s now called a manuscript, as I’ve had it checked out by one publishing company (actually the first one that I contacted) and I was so amazed that they were going to ‘pick it up and run with it’. This was awesome, until I heard the cost of it (that I would have to fork over) was going to be similar to buying a small-medium sized car!

Anyway, if you feel ok to do so, it’d be awesome to hear back from you.

Neil

pvroom · ‎13-03-2015

Hi Cymru,

I just wanted to say hi, I don't have anything to offer as I haven't experienced anything like what you have, and I am very sorry for your loss. The only thing I can offer is that I too experience a lot of anger and my doctors believe it is a manifestation of anxiety and a way to cope with anxiety. I find sometimes it overwhelms me and I realise I'm disproportionately angry about something. I don't really have any explanation for this but I thought I'd mention it as it may help you to know that others experience this too.

Cymru · ‎13-03-2015

Niel, Cymru is Welsh for, well Welsh. Welsh is actually Latin forForeignerr.The Welsh may be daff but we don't refer to ourselves as Forigeners.Except to the English who have trouble understanding that they aren't the centre of the universe.

Cymru · ‎15-03-2015

I was talking with my partner, Louise, yesterday. I'm sure you can imagine we talk about Nick a lot. She trying to support me and deal with her grief. We had only known each other 3 year, so that is as long as she'd known my son. But they knew each other quite well and she's hurt too. I was trying explain that I didn't want the pain to gō away, as that meant I was forgetting Nick. I dread when I think to the future; an entire life that might have been will remain Stopped. I'll just grow old. I don't imagine my pain will end till I die - when ever that may be. This is a lot for ones partner to deal with. I wish I could post a photo of Nick and I together. I have one from a few months at his brothers,and another on christmas day. I look at them - was happy. I so wanted for him to be happy

Neil_1 · ‎16-03-2015

Hi there Cymru

Wow, I can understand exactly what you are saying with regard to Nick and the pain that you are experiencing. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m pleased to have read what you posted with regard to this – because I thought it was only me who has this concept. It’s almost like I’m punishing myself in a way, to continue to feel the hurt, so the memory of them will never go away.

Neil

Cymru · ‎16-03-2015

I didn't take it the wrong way Neil. I don't sense it is unusual either.I confided to my doctor, who merely offered that would be how you'd feel.My sons had to deal with their mother dying much too young. Nick was 9. I wonder if it was broken heart that created his sense of despair.Anyway,I recall talking to Nick's teacher around when his mother died.She was a woman in her 60s. Her father had died when she was a girl.She confided that not a day went by when she did not think about her father - that was over 50 years. I guess if our loved ones weren't so important it would not hurt as much.

Mz13114 · ‎26-05-2015

Cymru,

I so agree with you and get so angry at the lack of help we could get for our son. It has been 15 months and they are still investigating the healthcare providers he was sent away from because of various unacceptable circumstances. I know after all of this time, there will be no action or responsibility by them and even in my nursing course, the different teachers we have had have shocked me by their narrow minded opinions on suicide. Not all, but three so far.

It is tragic and I wish I will see a change in attitudes, funding and support for such an ignored and stigmatised problem. I am so sorry you had Nick pass away. I don't think it was wrong or selfish what my son did. He was suffering and I will always be sorry and guilty that he lost the will to try any more.

I hate the silence around suicide and I know I have no answers but I hope this horror that happened to me and so many others will be taken seriously and educate people more.

Mz13114