Fathers Suicide

[Imperfectly_perfect]

This is my very first post in here so please bare with me.

1st September 2019 (Fathers Day) my Dad started planning his ending, he wrote multiple suicide letters, people saw him on the 2nd and the 3rd and said he seemed like his happy self, he sent my sister a Facebook message on the morning of the 4th, nothing that warranted concern. No contact after that but that wasn’t unusual.

7th September his body was discovered.

he lives back in New Zealand, I live in Perth, my sister dealt with everything.

for the first 10 days I felt numb, but I was holding on to the fact that his letter to me would give me some kind of understanding, some kind of closure?

the Police back there contacted me on day 10 to explain the process and to let me know all his suicide notes would be delivered to the correct people... also to inform me that I was NOT one of the people he chose to say goodbye to!

I am heartbroken beyond words that I didn’t mean enough for the goodbye he was able to give my sister and multiple other people.

I don’t know how to move on from this, closure seems impossible.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 63yo, male and have lost my brother in 1979 and uncle 2002 both from suicide. My dad passed away 1992, heart attack. My brother left a note.

This might seem odd to you but perhaps your dad didnt have any significant issues in his mind about his relationship with you that he didnt make a mention? That's how I'd take it. In fact I wasnt mentioned in my bros letter either.

The other important factor is- he was beyond doubt, unwell. Being unwell would rob him of focus on some topics, some people, some triggers or difficulties. He certainly wasnt his normal self.

For this reason he needs you to forgive him for missing you in his notes. Whatever process you have in carrying that out is for you to find.

STENCILLED FEET

Your father knew you wish to follow

Where ever he went in his footsteps

Through your childish boyish whim

You always followed him

And as eyes well up daily

as your grief compounds and you weep

No wonder he used a broom to sweep

To hide those footstep stencilled feet

But one day you'll see a print

Where he's walked in the misty tint

You place your foot inside that hole

It's not what he wants for your final goal

Sadness follows in your enept

It's something one day you will accept

But you'll be eager the day your feet will greet

Your father footstep stencilled feet...

Time is a good healer. Time also allows the best memories to surface.

We are here for you. Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hi,

welcome to beyond blue.

So sorry to hear about you loss, and nothing I can say will take away the feelings of hurt, loss, anger, sadness you must be feeling at this time. It must also be tough for you to know that others in your family received a letter and you did not - and the feelings that would invoke in you. And I don't what reason there would be for not writing one for you.

As for getting some sort of closure, did you sister tell you anything about her letter? Would or did that help? Or what would you look for in a letter like this? Or would it create more questions than answers? These are somewhat rhetorical questions that you do not have to answer here.

One thing I can do is listen to you, as you come to terms with what has happened. And perhaps if you wanted to, and if it helps you, you might tell me how you are feeling otherwise, or talk about your dad? If nothing else I am sending feelings of strength and courage at this difficult time.

Tim

[Summer Rose]

Hi Imperfectly perfect

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I know you are gutted and heartbroken and I am sending you a warm hug.

Please try not to dwell on the notes your father left or didn't leave behind. These notes could have been written for any number of reasons and not necessarily the "goodbye" you imagine.

Maybe he was leaving funeral instructions, righting a past wrong or ensuring that someone wasn't left with unnecessary guilt. Maybe he had practical matters to conclude with various people.

Even if the other letters were "goodbyes", not leaving one to you doesn't necessarily reflect on what you meant to him in the way that you think.

Perhaps your dad thought you two were in a place where no further words were required. A place where an unspoken bond of love exists. Perhaps writing to you would have been too painful for him. Perhaps he just couldn't bring himself to think about saying goodbye to you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers