Being completely ostracised from my blood family after reporting my Childhood Sexual Abuse - The Silence is Deafening!

[Aimee_Jo]

In my 40th year, I finally found the courage to speak my truth and report my Childhood Sexual abuse from the ages of 6- 13 years old, perpetrated by my stepfather. I grew up in a very large extended family. My mother had 4 sisters all married with children, so a large group of cousins and we were all very close.

My relationship at around my 40's, with most of my family including my mother and 2 step brothers (born after my abuse) was extremely strained, to say the least. One of the biggest factors contributing to this breakdown was that my mother initially believed me when I finally told her when I was 15. She left my abuser, then apparently did a backflip after attending counselling sessions together.

In those sessions in the mid 80's, he admitted the abuse to the Department of Families and Communities investigators and used a recent stint in jail for Heroin Possession as his reason. The department deemed me no longer at risk of the abuse as I was living out of home by then in various squat houses, on the streets and couch surfing, emergency accommodation, Juvenile lock up. Basically anywhere away from my abuser was apparently deemed safer. My mother spent around 6 months apart from him before asking me to allow her to go back to him and then stayed for another 18 years and had 2 kids to him.

For the next 3- 4 years I really tried to live with my abuser in my life to keep the peace as he was still with my mother. At 17, I was pregnant with a child I was determined to keep. At 18yrs old, I had my daughter and my boundaries became very tight. I started pushing back on my mothers lie to live in denial. She never wanted to mention the abuse again and the rug she kept shoving stuff under was getting a really big bulge under it.

I haven't spoken to my mother since 2010, next year it will be 10 years of no contact. From the snippets I have heard over the years, my mother has told my family that my abuse report to Police was a lie and I was only out to get money. My blood family not contacted me since my report and subsequent 5yr court battle until recently one of my cousins I was close to growing up called me and told me never to contact him again as he had to protect his children from people like me. I know that says more about him than it does about me, but man it still cuts deep and really hurts your heart.

Day to Day now its not so bad, it shifts, if that makes sense? Id love to connect with others in this boat, How do you manage your estrangement?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

How do you manage your estrangement? Great question. Some of us here have become estranged from blood family. It's hard but doable.

Firstly, there are some things in life that is unforgivable, or should be. We blood family though tend to forgive in the hope the leopard spots change and they don't. Such to and fro situations come and go throughout our lives until the string snaps by an act that is unforgivable.

EG my first wedding spoiled by my mother and for years I didn't know why she got temper tantrums that week, 5 days before my wedding. I forgave, then she was instrumentental manipulating her granddaughter (my niece) away from her mother then finally in 2010 she threatened to ruin my second wedding. That straw that broke the camels back was enough for me to take the matter to an AVO to court to prevent the 79yo mother from going anywhere near the park we were to have our wedding. I haven't seen her since and never will. My sister the same.

So, back to you. You have to make up your mind when is that straw that will break the camels back? Is your mothers action in accepting him back the straw? Is it acceptable for her to accept him back after such a Heinace crime good enough? If you had a step dad to your kids and you found out he sexually abused your children- would you continue with your defacto relationship? If not then there is your "straw". Your difference in values and ethics dictate your future.

My youngest daughter I no longer see. She uses narcissistic tactics to hurt me as her mother did (my first wife) in the form of using silence as a weapon, a cruel thing to do. So, my values are centred in a world of zero abuse. That is my "straw".

Finally, blood and none blood. Since stopping contact with my mother I've got two older women in my life that adore me, one a victim of crime where her two adult daughters were the victims of crime and one that has been in my family 50 years.

In a world of freedom, I choose to have them as my mother figure.

I hope this helps.

google - beyondblue topic fortress of survival part 2

TonyWK

[Lonelydan]

Hi Aimee Jo, I haven’t spoken to my family for over 25yrs. I was sexually abused at home and at primary school. I left home at 13 and was safer living on the streets and quickly made friends with the 1000,s of kids who had experienced the same be it at home or in a foster home I believe you Aimee. Don’t be surprised if you find out his Sexually abused other members of the family they never stop at one. Anyone who can’t understand this should really watch that Michael Jackson documentary it explains grooming so perfectly. I don’t want to talk about family and community services in my opinion they are of bunch of licensed child abusers. I have one sister who has never experienced The treatment I did. In 1992 my sister had a baby who she never cared for and would often leave her with me. I decided that I will keep her because I love her so much and I knew that if I didn’t step in the same thing would happen to her. By this time I was in a stable relationship had my own place and could provide a safe environment. Two years ago the wonderful people at community and family services contact me to tell me I have two more nieces aged 16 and 17 and they need a place to stay would you be interested. I was shocked I had no idea my sister had two more children as I have not remained in contact with her and she never Enquired about her daughter. Horrible things happened while they were in foster care and for the past 2yrs i’ve been crawling through a tunnel of it trying my best repair the damages caused by my sister/family and the licensed child abusers. My my sisters first child now is happily married with two children and is a functioning stable adult and I do take full credit for that. My second Just found her first job that has really made aHuge difference in her confidence and my baby is still finding her way But has improved dramatically she’s no longer self-harming which makes me so happy. It’s been so hard. Now I’m 46 I will never ever speak to my family there’s just no point there’s no good that can come from it only bad. I think my father died I’m not sure I’ve never enquired the only thing I ever wanted from them is I have no pictures of myself as a child that’s the only thing I want from them. I have been speaking to a solicitor about suing for the abuse my nieces received In care. Ive seen what happens to victims in a court room. So I’m scared I would be protecting my daughter from your family like mine there’s just nothing there . Dan

[Aimee_Jo]

I appreciate you sharing that White Knight, thankyou.

My mother in law is amazing and I'm lucky to have her as my maternal influence. Shes def my rock.

[Aimee_Jo]

Thankyou Lonelydan,

Sounds like some wins amongst all the noise, that's fantastic. Well Done!

[Guest_36960997]

This resonates so much with me and my current story. I think truth tellers are a treat to self preservation; but I will never understand how pushing family members away makes sense.

[white knight]

Pushing family away has everything to do with tolerance and standards. With mental health issues we have a lot less tolerance. Also some people including family members can be quite nasty and revengeful. What a lot of adults suffer from is the school yard mentality whereby dominance and control is ok in their mind but in an adult world if you try to control people they can lose family members quickly. 

Another trait I've seen is lack of respect. Time and time again I've had family members gamble with their relationships. I was informed that my mother told a friend that she believes her son (me) will never leave her life because "I'm his mother". It summarised her belief that she could do anything to me and her ownership will guarantee I'll always be around.

15 years ago I came off a nightshift at 6am, drove 4 hours to her unit and painted the whole unit out in 24 hours. Then crashed to bed. When she returned she was so grateful but I told her there was a wall in the kitchen that only had one coat of paint as I ran out then I asked her if she wanted me to buy more- "no dont worry about it". The next week two relatives phoned me to tell me that she said to them "Tony didnt even finish the job, I was so disappointed". She confirmed the comment to me when confronted and justified her mentality on my fathers passing years before. It was something I found hard to overcome. Then a few years later she tried to ruin my 2nd wedding and that was the end. She had ruined my 1st wedding 25 years earlier.  

Sometimes having toxic people remain in your life is akin to self abuse and the removal of them is your first day of freedom from that jail.

TonyWK