Alone and losing best friend to cancer

[BradyBird]

My world is crumbling again.

In January 2010 I lost my aunty to a car accident. 2 months later I lost my dad to an overdose of drugs. 3 years after that I lost my Nan to old age and then 2 years after that I lost my Pop to old age as well. (My Nan and Pop raised me). My 4 closest family members all gone within 5 years.

Now only just last week I have found out my best friend of 8 years has been diagnosed with stage 4 incurable liver cancer and has been told he only has a life expectancy of 12-24 months or in some cases maybe 5 years, depending how his body reacts to the treatment.

My world has been shattered and my heart broken into a million pieces once again. I don't want to lose him!! I don't want to say goodbye!!!

I don't have any other real friends and the only family support I have is one sister who is just about to start a family of her own. So I feel so lost 

I'm 45, single, no partner or kids, I live alone and I'm so scared about the future and feel so lonely. I can feel myself spiralling into a deep dark depression again.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for on here, maybe a friend, maybe someone who can relate, someone to talk to, I dunno but I needed to reach out to see if it would help. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Much love!! 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear BradyBird,

I feel for you so much. It is extremely tough to have your close friend diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, especially after all the other losses you have been through. I am imagining that spending quality time with him when you can may be helpful and just being in the present moment as much as possible. I have found those memories count for a lot later on, those special times we spend with those we love, even if we know they may not be around for a lot longer.

I have had a lot of loss through the passing of family members and friends over the past decade and also live alone, so I really relate to the loss and loneliness. I am 50 and also struggling with spiralling depression at present. So at the very least I can offer someone to talk to if it helps. I think it’s harder at our age to form new social relationships and doubly hard again when feeling depressed.

I am wondering what kind of situation you are in, whether you are in the country or city? I’m in a small town that I moved to from the city three years ago and I’ve come to realise that was too isolating for me. I’m thinking if you are in a city you could try meeting some new people through something like the online Meetup platform or attending a group that links to a hobby or interest you have. But I know how hard it can be just to do that.

It sounds like you had some tough times growing up too, with your grandparents raising you and your dad sounding like he was going through his own struggles with drug addiction. I think that can make us more prone to loneliness later when things have been rough early. I’m diagnosed with complex ptsd because of early trauma and I know it’s played a huge role in feeling isolated in my life. So I’m at least here as an empathetic listening ear and happy to give you a virtual hug if you would like one.

I try to find some small things each day that give me some respite and peace, even if it is just enjoying a cup of tea and looking at birds in my garden. Are there any small things that bring you peace from time to time? I think we have to start small and somehow connect with and ground ourselves in the present. I had a lovely man serve me at a cafe today and I could feel it lift me, even if just temporarily. So I think realising it is possible to have some good feelings counts for a lot and is a reminder that things won’t always feel awful and lonely. Take good care of yourself.

Much kindness,

Eagle Ray

[Croix]

Dear BradyBird~

I'd like to join Eagle Ray in welcoming you here to the support forum and feel for you with the deaths of so many of you family, something I'm familiar with too.

To hear of your bast friend's illness would be shattering for you, and probably for your freind too if he was not expecting it. How you react and what you do depends a lot on your freind's character. Recently I had two friends pass away after long illnesses, and wiht one we reminisced about thier early life in Paris, where I too had been to school.

She had lost non of her character and was very strict wiht me and my attempts tp regain French, setting me straight whenever I stumbled. I think it gave her a measure of control as well as being a mutual interest.

The other freind I mentioned was quite different, had plans for what ould happen when she died, but kept a pretty lively sense of humore, so I teasd her and she grumped in return (she liked grumping)

Wiht both we had a frank conversation on what was going ot happen, but did not dwell on it unless there was an important change to talk about. They remained themselves and talking wiht then was often fun, a pleasure.

Wiht you best freind I cannot say what approach to take except it needs to take him away from being overwhelmed  long-term by his illness and getting him   to concentrate on the ordinary things in life, together with as much fun as you can pack in. 

As ER has suggested now is a good time ot seek out more friendship by associating with other peple  as well as being as close as circumstances allow to your sister.   It may be you can lend a hand with the new family

You know you are always welcome here

Croix