Absolutely Lost

[Bec775]

Hi, First post & brand new to this. It's been 10 yrs since the death of the one I mourn for but although its a but easier, its still a struggle. Seeking tips from other members who have dealt with immense grief. I have been to a psychologist, done what I think I can within my reach but I just cannot get over the daily burden of grief. Welcome to all suggestions.

[Paul]

Hi Bec,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. It's really difficult navigating our way through grief and having lost someone. Sometimes it feels like it will never end and we'll carry the pain with us for a long time.

That can be the case, but there are a few things that can be done to help us along the path of grief.

I'm sure the psychologist you saw would have explained that there are different groups of emotions we all usually go through when we lose someone we care about. We step through the stages generally in order but jump back and forward as well. Sometimes we get stuck at a particular stage because it's so painful it feels like getting past is out of our reach.

1. Shock/disbelief/denial/isolation

At this stage we go a bit numb initially and things don't really make sense, our protective shields go up and we sometimes just close off.

2. Anger

We get angry at the person we loved for leaving us, at ourselves for not doing more, at whatever happened, at the world, at everything, at particular people. We just get angry.

3. Bargaining.

If only I did x, y or z. It should have been someone else. I could have given more. There are so many ways we bargain to make it better for ourselves to try and make sense of the emotions and resolve them.

4. Depression.

This is more a prolonged sadness, it can turn into a deep depression. It's something to keep and eye on and talk to someone about if it lasts longer than a few weeks. Remember we can move back and forward through these stages of grief.

5. Resolution and acceptance

This is not the end missing someone but a new start with that person in a special place in your heart rather than consuming all of our thoughts and feelings.

I'm sorry if I have told you things you already know Bec, I wanted to lay those out though as a bit of a map and to go back to the point that we can get stuck at a particular point in grieving. The important part is for us to talk about what you're feeling. It could be that because of the immense pain you mentioned, that we need to talk gently about what's going on and to know that the ultimate path through is being able to be open and honest with yourself about how you're feeling and where the feelings are coming from. It's difficult - I really do understand. Perhaps we could stay in touch here and have a bit more of a chat at your pace.

There's also a section on Beyond Blue dedicated to Grief and Loss. In the menus, "The facts", "Grief and Loss".

Hope to talk soon.

Paul

[Music_Freak]

I lost my mum almost 10 years ago and can relate to the stages Paul wrote about. It's one of the hardest things I"ve had to live through, and some days, I still ask "why?"

Sometimes, talking about the one who has passed helps, and you're more than welcome to do that here 🙂

I used to write to my mum on the anniversary of her death, just telling her about my year etc. then I'd burn the papers. So, perhaps you could do something as a tribute to the person you have lost.

I hope these suggestions help, feel free to come back and chat 🙂

[Bec775]

Hi Paul & Music, thanks so much for your response.. means more than you realise. Paul, I've gone through 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, bounced back to 1 then 4 then back to 1.. isolation. I am coping somewhat but internally really not and I'm at a loss as to what to do to make my life more bearable. On top of this I have a very high stress job which I face up to and have the ability to leave all of this behind the minute I walk into work.. I shut it all off to turn into "work Bec" mode. I'm stuck in no. 1.. shield up & isolation. I'm only 38.. I shouldn't be like this but I guess I choose to be by myself all of outside of work time and isolate myself from everyone because it's so much easier than dealing with people/sharing myself/their issues.. I find that anything can tip me into turmoil .. something so small. I think I'm wise, learned and probably have an inflated sense of my own mind but I am struggling with just coping with it all. I dont know what I'm seeking here.. I know deep down that the resolution lies in me, but I just feel like screaming.

[Paul]

Hey Bec,

Thanks for writing back. I'm glad I have to opportunity to chat with you again.

There's a few things in your post that tell me you are bashing yourself up! "I Should", "I Choose to be" and some other wording. Would someone choose to remain upset and in grief?

I mentioned stage 4 - depression and how it is usually a profound sadness but passes. I get the feeling it's gone beyond that and hasn't passed, rather than stage 1 where isolation is used to let what has happened sink in. We all put on our mask when we go to work, that happy face that lets everyone know you're fine when deep down your are screaming "I'm not fine!"

I feel that part of that mask is still on when you write in here and possibly when you think about your loss. Having part of the mask on in here is completely understandable.

I also got the feeling in your first post that there is something you are not letting yourself feel because it is perhaps too painful. A loss is painful in itself, but if we don't allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel to stay well, we get stuck. The only way out is to let ourselves feel or think what is keeping us from being truely honest about our loss.

Bec, do you feel like sharing what happened and tell us about your loss? I can promise you one thing at least. We're here to help and lots of us know what loss is like so there will only be understanding support.

There's also the Beyond Blue helpline (number at top and bottom of page). The folks on the help line are trained and the support service was set up for people like you and me to use when we need to.

Take care, chat soon.

Paul