Worthlessness off the charts

Richard_C · ‎08-12-2018

Not sure why I'm even writing this here but, I guess I'm looking for help, something positive, anything really.

I am seriously at the end of my tether. 2018 started out so fantastic and I was super grateful for everything coming my way in my business and in general. Then something happened. I started drinking again, was completely off it in January/Feb which was great, it does me no favours. Then the months rolled on up till now. My business is dying with a lack of clients, good clients and I feel like I have made all the mistakes a person can. It has cost me dearly. I can't even pay myself a wage and contribute to the home right now. My Wife is working and she covers it all. I know she's not happy about it at all and fair enough.

The last 2-3 months have almost killed me. We tried to get finance to buy a new place and move, it took that long because they stuffed up! At the last minute despite being told it was all ok, they declined it. It all fell back on me and my inability to have good money coming in. We lose out because of me not having all this and miss out on doing good things. I know my Wife is pissed off about it all, let down because of me.

I feel so worthless, unwanted and unloved (with the exception of my little girl). Feel like my Wife regrets getting involved with me, she's not interested in me right now because of all this. I have nothing, no assets, zip. I'm not lazy and I do work hard to do well but, obviously, I don't have what it takes, should have stayed an employee. It is my fault that it all happened. She wants me to get a job which is fair enough. It depresses me so much that it's come to this, I've failed, ruined a lot of things, it's very embarrassing. I have no one to talk to about it, get help from, advice, ideas, nothing. Feel like my Wife doesn't want to hear it, we can't even have a friendly conversation about it.

I am trying to do things, get a job and manage things in the background. It's a bad time of year for it though. I am stuck in concrete and can't move, think clearly. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I'd be ok with that, except my little girl would be devastated. I have nothing and no one right now and it really sucks. Feel like we should get divorced so she can get on with it and not have me around dragging her down. Sorry if I'm ranting here, just really stuck. Thanks.

Star_Jasmine · ‎09-12-2018

Hi Richard C

Welcome to the forum. Glad you came. And I bet it felt good to get things off your chest?

I really feel for you and I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. It sounds like not only are you dealing with business/financial problems but a very strained relationship too.

Only answer if you feel comfortable but are there other issues other than your business situation which might be contributing to the strained relationship with your wife?

Please don't think it was all your fault or that you are worthless. Starting your own business is not easy and perhaps you could have done some things better but perhaps you were unlucky. Rather than feeling ashamed or embarrassed you could try to see it as a learning experience. Like you said, it's much easier just to be an employee. But unfortunately that can have its downsides too!

Be kind to yourself Richard and please know that things will get better, just hang in there! A new year and new opportunities will arise soon.

Your mention of being ok with not waking up tomorrow was a bit of a concern though - I would recommend that you book in with a GP as soon as you can and get a referral to a psychologist or counsellor. You really do have a lot on your plate right now and I think it'd be useful to talk to a professional about it.

Hope you're feeling a bit better Richard and maybe talk to you again soon if you're up to it.

Star Jasmine

Richard_C · ‎09-12-2018

Thanks Star Jasmine,

I really appreciate your reply, nicely said.

Today's a new day. I actually feel a little better, stayed away from self-medicating using wine last night and enjoyed good old boring soda water, I actually really like it. I do know that mistakes in business should be seen as a learning tool and you can become better from it. It is hard as I don't have someone to talk to, it's a very lonely life doing this solo. I thrive off good conversations with people like me, they're just super rare. I'm actually up early and doing some work in a course today on this very thing which is great so far. Go me lol.

I just feel like our relationship is strained due to money, my Wifes job which can be full on even though she likes it, it's busy. Then she comes home and has to keep going with children who do stuff all yet demand everything.
That's an issue if I say something about it, well I'm the bad person despite the fact that it's justified.

I am looking forward to the new year and planning to do good things. Just need to be prepared for it physically and mentally.

I can say I am not going to doing anything to myself, too chicken and I'm not that bad, yesterday I was though. I have seen a great Psychologist in the past who helped me a real lot. I haven't been back of late as I can't really afford it and can't get the 10 visits plan yet via my GP. I also go to a Kinesiologist who is amazing and a wonderful person, I love it.

Venting is good, thanks for reading it. It has been really hard of late, to say the least, but, I know I need to reprogram my mind, habits and rise above it. I don't like failure, I've always been a go-getter and it's worked for me quite well. See how I'm travelling Monday and trying to be positive and achieve good things.

Thanks so much once again.

SPOONO · ‎09-12-2018

I'm bypolar. For heavens sake go to your GP and get a mental health plan first then. this works for me I guess you've heard of mindfulness, this is a good way.
1. put on some relaxing music that you like or noises of rain or wind, thunder can all be found they don't relate to anything as much as music.
2. Get comfortable anyway you like I prefer laying down but whatever you like.
3. Breathe in deep for count of four, hold for count of four, breath out for count of six or longer as you feel yourself melting down onto bed or whatever.
If that doesn't work, Noah Elkrief gives lectures in a good way on YouTube and teaches mindfulness and living in the NOW.
Cheers. Spoono

Star_Jasmine · ‎09-12-2018

Hi again Richard,

You do sound much better today, that's great. And good on you for choosing the soda water last night too 😉

Failure is really hard to deal with, but it is part and parcel of taking risks and trying new things, such as starting a business. That's why most people don't do it, they are afraid of failing.

It is hard when you don't have anyone to talk to... The negative thoughts can take over and things get blown out of proportion. Maybe try talking to your wife again at some point?

After readung your post, I am interested in finding out about kinesiology... I might have to give it a try.

Take care

Jasmine

Richard_C · ‎10-12-2018

Hi Spoono,

Thanks. I've already done all that and have an awesome Psychologist in place.

I'm a musician so I'm all over the power of music, been doing it for a long time. I have so much good stuff that I tap into as I feel.
I do meditation and breathing + exercising which works great!

End of the day it's the literal situation we're in and how that came about. We're working on new plans now and hope to have something sorted soon. Just need some positive action that delivers, well money. See how Dec pans out.

Cheers,

Richard_C · ‎10-12-2018

Hi Jasmine,

Thanks again. Much appreciated. I've gone through so much soda water, we bought 10 more bottles haha.

It is and I know that. It's really hard being Han Solo with it all, failure teaches you things. I just need to get some positive actions in place that help correct the problem of $ and move forward on that. We have been discussing things more so hopefully, we can bed down a good solution that is achievable soon, post Xmas and all.
I might try speaking with a Mate who does well for himself and is in the biz to get some Mate Support.

Yesterday was great until the afternoon though. My Wife met with her 19yr old who unleashed on her in a fury at Westfield, attacking ME for her current situation, how everything I have done and said has created her depressed lye in bed all day, get overweight on Pepsi and junk food, be sleep deprived lifestyle. She had a bad night so machined gunned me and my Wife. Just lovely, more pressure on our relationship. Once upon a time she was ripped for leaving our house all unlocked almost 10 times in a row and laughed and said it was my fault, as you can imagine, I wasn't happy being pushed over the edge like that, disrespected and panicked that my vintage music gear would be taken, she was doing it deliberately to get a reaction, have it stolen, disgusting behaviour, so it was justified. Anyway, it really took the shine off the day. This has been my environment for some years, hence my use of grog and desire to move asap, just toxic. Back to soda water!!
Thank God she doesn't live here any more...

I'm swinging back into positive action taking today so I'm happy with that.

I highly recommend Kinesiology. It makes such a huge difference, you have to experience it to understand. I've been into it for many years. Find someone you feel comfy with and it will be great.

Tashh · ‎14-12-2018

Hi Richard C, You do sound a lot better from your first message but just so you know it is not your fault and never enough to fall asleep and never wake up. I know that feeling and it's awful I am sorry you feel that way. My husband and I went through a very tough time also in 2015. His business was failing because he had severe depression after losing his father to a heart attack it got so bad we had to sell our house. I then fell in to depression also it was the toughest time of our lives. We have a 10 year old daughter as well. We both wanted to run away because we couldn't see our way out of it. BUT having come through the other side now we both are so grateful that neither of us did anything silly. We are still building our lives again but having gone through this it has made us stronger. We didn't give up and it has made us stronger. I feel like I can handle anything these days. I think if you start having those thoughts again do speak to your GP it was the best decision I ever made. Admitting I wasn't handling my life was hard to do but it was so worth it! Take care, Tashh.

Richard_C · ‎15-12-2018

How do I have this deleted? Clearly, my last rant was of any worth and I'd rather it all not being here.

Please let me know. Nothings changed, improved, in fact, has gotten worse. Just don't want others having to go over it. Thanks.

Star_Jasmine · ‎17-12-2018

Hi Richard,

What's going on?

I'm not sure about deleting posts... I guess you'd have to ask the administrators.

Sorry to hear you're feeling worse. We can chat about it if you want...

Jasmine