Worthless

[Bok124]

I don't even know where to begin. Today I woke up just really upset and I started crying. I've had a few of these episodes but today felt the worse. It's all a feeling of guilt, worthlessness and a lot of other things.

What really gets me down the most is thinking of my partner who has been so supportive. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't make him as happy as he should. I notice when I am just snappy and irritable towards him, I sometimes see the look of hopelessness in face and then I think about why he's even sticking around and dealing with me. He tells me he's not going anywhere and I believe him but I think he just offers me so much more than I can offer him.

At the moment I am working part time after getting made redundant from my last job. I've found it hard to find full time work and while the job I'm in now is not ideal, it's paying the bills. So some feeling of hopelessness and being stuck stems from the job I'm in and not being able to find full-time work. There has also been a massive pay difference from my old job to this new one so that's also a contributing factor to feeling down.

In all honesty, the job thing is such small potatoes when I look at the big picture. I have a loving partner, I'm close with my family and friends and I get along amazingly with my partners family. I have everything that I want and more. When I am in the right headspace, I can step back and be so thankful for everything that I have. My family and friends don't know about my depression so I think they think that my life is perfect, though I don't pretend my life is perfect, I have just never told them that I've seen a psychiatrist for help in the past.

I stopped seeing the psychiatrist after a few sessions as I couldn't make my last appointment cos of work and I thought I was feeling and coping a lot better. Only to realize that I didn't just develop depression recently, I think I've had it for a few years now and due to the redundancy situation and not working for 10 months just gave it a lot of time to boil and worsen.

I took the day off work today cos I couldn't stop crying in the morning and I have this immense guilt from not going to work. They know that I've been having personal issues but at the same time I can't expect them to just keep understanding. I guess I'm afraid that they'll ask me to step down from my role.

I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[white knight]

Hi Bok,  welcome here

You could go to your GP and ask for an antidepressant to help you along without attending a psychiatrist? Sometimes a help me along does wonders.

You family situation with in-laws and the like seem great, so how about some special time with hubby, a picnic, horse riding, ballooning??? followed by a romantic dinner over which you tell him your love and thank him for being so wonderful? Spice things up a bit- be proactive. 

Can your boss be approached to explain that you are struggling at the moment health wise but you appreciate their patience?

Self doubt is a big issue among a lot of people. Sometimes we have to fight against our lack of confidence to proceed.

Good luck

[Bok124]

Thanks white knight!

We have an anniversary coming soon and his birthday and I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on finding something to do for us to both enjoy. 

One thing I don't ever want to get on is on anti-depressants. I know it sound stubborn and silly and I'm sure there are good ones out there. 

I don't know I feel like I'm telling myself that the worse thing for me would be to take something for it. I want to be able to work on it physically and mentally rather than taking something for it. Please don't take this as me judging people who are on AD, there are different stages and kinds of depression and some need to be on it. I guess for me, I want to be able to try and fix it with Cognitive behaviour therapy without the aid of ADs incase it doesn't work for me. 

But in saying that I guess I can't always run to my psychiatrist when I feel low so I might ask her advice on this. 

Thanks again for your suggestion. 

[AGrace]

Hi Bok,

I understand you wanting to do this on your own. Sometimes you want to feel like you've tried everything before you hit the last resort.

Given that you want to do some cognition based therapy it might be more worthwhile to se a Psychologist than a Psychiatrist. If you would like to do this you can go back to your GP and request a mental health plan to entitle you to 10 free Psychology sessions. Choose a Psychologist that has hours and is in a venue that are convenient to you, otherwise you could end up in the same predicament - missing appointments. A lot of people will choose one near work and go to appointments in their lunch break.

What sort of work are you looking for? Have you had a chat with your current employer about the potential to make your new job full time rather than part time? Have you studied in the past? Or are there some courses you could do to reinvigorate your resume while you are in a part time capacity?

Is there a reason why you haven't told you family/friends? Do you think it might be helpful to tell someone else do that you don't feel like the only person you can rely on is your partner? When we feel so blue it can be difficult to see that our partners are still with us because they love us good, bad, and ugly. But it sounds like your partners a keeper. Be honest and open with him. Men tend to want to make things better, so it can also be useful for you to give him things to do that will benefit you, and then let him know your appreciation.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

AGrace

[Bok124]

Thanks AGrace,

How silly of me, I didn't know there was a difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I am actually seeing a psychologist and we have started on cognitive behaviour and her suggestions on improving my moods were working but I feel like I've gone back to feeling unmotivated. 

I don't know why I haven't told my family and friends. I guess I thought seeking a professionals help that it will get better and go away and that there's a timeframe and once I'm better I won't have to tell them. I'm only really learning that there's no such thing and it needs constant attention so I have less bad days. It's not that I'm scared to tell them cos I think they won't understand. I know they will as my sister has been through this before. I guess I just don't want it to be an added burden or for them to have to worry about me. I guess I hate the thought of people thinking I don't have it together. Not that I'm putting up facades but I just think everyone has their own issues and I'll tell them about it eventually. 

Theres the issue of I don't even really know what I want to do career wise. All I know is that I want it to be in a creative field. I've studied Fashion Design and at the moment I'm waiting on an internship opportunity so I don't really want to commit to any more hours at work. Right now its just a job and not a career. 

You mentioned a health plan about getting 10 free sessions. None of this was ever mentioned to me. I remember the psychologist asking if I was on one at the end of the first session and I didn't know what she was talking about as the GP who referred me didn't say anything about it. I just went to my GP one day and asked to be referred to someone to talk to about my always feeling low. 

Would I still be able to go on this plan? Would I need to go back to my GP and ask or can my psychologist arrange it?

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. 

[AGrace]

Hi Bok,

Not silly at all, it's a very easy mistake. Psychiatrists have a medical background and tend to deal more with medication, they can also do talking therapies as well. Psychologists are more involved with cognitive strategies. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can be challenging, especially maintaining the motivation to keep it up. After a while you will probably notice thoughts that can be challenged a bit more easily.

It always amazes me to discover that professionals don't always disclose relevant information to their patients. It's sadly pretty common. You will need to go back to a GP to get the Mental Health Plan, but you can definitely still get one. It's everyone's entitlement under Medicare. The number of sessions can also be reviewed by your GP toward the end.

Wow, fashion design. I used to work for a number of different luxury brands and I always loved seeing the latest fashion designs. Your internship sounds really promising. You don't have to have your career all mapped out. Often us creative types like to get inspired by things as we go along.

Sadly this thing doesn't just go away overnight, you've possibly seen evidence of this with your sister. Don't lose hope though, there are definitely ways to manage the symptoms better.

AGrace