Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[Guest_5218]

Hi Durras,

The words I spoke of you were totally true and genuine.  No thanks are required.  I am very glad that you are beginning to find some confidence in yourself and to realise what a really good person you are.  Yes I expect it will be a long road for you, but you are now on that road and thats a good place to start.  I agree that it is nice to share things, good and bad, with someone who cares and understand.  I think many of us here dont have the ability and/or opportunity to do that outside of the Forums.  So that is a very important feature of them I think.

Only a two hour day at work today.  I wanted to get a head start on some financial reporting for an upcoming meeting.  It was bothering me last night after I was woken up by nightmares and couldnt get back to sleep.  One less thing for me to worry about.  At least thats the theory!

Actually I dont think I get migraines.  Usually I tend to get what is probably tension headaches, often after crying a lot or when I get really anxious.  That was the case this time.  Had a few obscure ptsd triggers lately,  which have resulted in a few interupted nights with nightmares, anxiety, etc.  And yeah, that knocks me around.

Thanks Durras, and a big warm hug to you also.

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Sherie,

I tend to get up when I've woken with a start. I was talking to my psychologist about it yesterday and he agreed getting up and doing something to redirect your thoughts is the best plan, in my case anyway. The likelihood of me falling back to sleep is low until I've gotten my brain to stop running a million miles and hour.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing myself harm by visiting the forums. I like the idea of having a place where I can be totally free to let slip all the things that are going on in my head and not feel judged. I do feel in the company of friends here and I feel understood. I find myself avoiding it if I think it might trigger bad thoughts or make my panic worse. But most of the time, I feel better after posting or even just reading and knowing I'm not alone.

I'm trying really hard right now to live in the moment, to appreciate the life I have right now and not worry constantly about the future or things that might happen. I think this is the hardest thing for me, I don't want things to change, I want things to stay how they are with everyone happy and doing relatively well.

I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with wondering what the point is. I feel old, even though I'm not really, like the best of it is done and its all down hill from here. I feel like I'm wasting my time and my life and in the end I will die anyway. I really don't want to, and I don't want anyone I love or care about to either. 

Wow, that got a bit bleak, I don't want to make anyone feel down with this fog that follows me at the moment.
I also avoid the forums sometimes when I don't feel I have anything positive to offer, like the above sort of comment.

I'm glad you had a few hours of work today. Were you by yourself again?
My work picked up a bit this morning which kept me busy and my brain actively working on productive tasks rather than worry, which was a welcome change.


 

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[Kazzl]

Aaaaarrrgghhh! I just spent half an hour reading back and writing responses to everyone and my internet dropped out again. Last time I tried to catch up the BB site wasn't behaving.

So, I shall simply say hi and hugs to you all, wish I could talk to you properly, but I'm being frustrated by crap technology. Will try again later.

Fingers crossed this posts!

Love to all

Kaz

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kaz, yes we got that one.  Understand your frustration ............

Hello and hugs back to you.  Look forward to catching up further when your internet decides to play the game.

Sherie x

[Guest_5218]

Thanks for your post.  It sounds like you are struggling a bit more just now?  Sorry to hear that.  Your post was somewhat bleak.  I dont understand that.  You are about to go and visit your Mum in what, a little over a week? And you have all of us here on this Thread packing our bags and preparing to go with you to support you.  Have you decided yet what to take with you to remind you that we are thinking of you, and that we are with you every step of the way?  You say that you feel old.  Can I ask how old you are?  A lot of women tend to go through a stage where they start to feel as if life has left them behind and they think they have left things like marriage and babies too late.  I think those feelings are quite common for many.  It is good that you can distinguish when you are not really in shape to tackle the Forums, and hence stay out of them.  I think its important that we can tell when it may not be so good for us, as opposed to when it can be beneficial. 

Your advice about when I wake up from nightmares in a panic, is sound.  Its the same as what my psych told me. That I should get up, turn the light on and refocus so that I can get back to some form of reality again.  Then I can go back to bed later, and hope that the nightmares dont come back again!  So yes, thankyou for reinforcing that for me.  I tend to forget at the time, and just lie in the dark waiting for the heart and brain to slow to a more normal rate.  And I know thats not good.

Change is a stressful thing in life, for anyone.  Thats why so many people make a living by introducing change into businesses and government, and helping people to adapt to those changes.  Wouldnt it be nice to take a snapshot of a moment in time and just freeze it for all time?  Some happy moment.

Yes I was on my own at work.  Happy to work in a team if necessary, but I think I work best on my own.  So I am quite happy that way.  This job will involve a bit of both, so a healthy mix.

CW, I hope you start to feel better soon, I really do.  I'm concerned for you.

A special hug for you, and pats for the 2 boys.

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Sherie,

I feel better now than I did earlier. I'm tired today and it got over 40 degrees. Right now I'm actually a little excited and thinking about the trip doesn't seem scary. This seems to be my pattern.  Came home and gave the dogs one of their special doggie ice creams.

Ive bought myself a blue pencil case and filled it with colourful pens which I will use to do my colouring. I will look at it and think of everyone here and I hope it reminds me of all of your support. You've all been so great.

I just turned 35 so it's probably natural to be feeling a little the way I am about life. I spoke to my boyfriend last night and my psych yesterday and I think I will make a plan to feel like I have more direction and purpose. 

Please don't fret too much about me. I think sometimes my comments are glib and probably make me appear worse than I am. 

I do hope you remember to get up next time you wake with nightmares. It's been helping me a lot and I'm sure it would be good for you too.

Sounds like you've found yourself a great job, I'm very pleased for you. Has your husband been supportive and happy about the new venture? It must be nice for him to see you having something you enjoy.

[Guest_1055]

Just noticed you popped in CW, and wanted to say good night to you.

Hugs

Shelley xx

[Guest_5218]

Good morning CW.  Thanks for your message last night.  It  lessened my concern for you somewhat.  Your emotions are a bit like a roller coaster at present it seems.  Ahh, Perth is back up to the typically hot weather over there. 40C temperatures, or anything over 30C really, just sucks my energy.  Thank goodness for doggie ice creams!!  

It is nice to know that we will all be keeping you company on your UK trip via a blue pencil case!  We can each be one of your coloured pencils.  Work out which colour represents each one of us.  Any ideas?  I think you will probably be leaving while I am visiting family down South.  We leave Wednesday 13th and are not back home again until Monday 18th.  Back in time for work on the Tuesday.  But while I am away I wont have access to internet, so I wont be able to wish you bonne voyage.  I must remember to do that next week before I go, just in case you leave before I'm back.

Ahh, isnt sleep a wonderful thing?  I had an uninterrupted sleep last night, and got about 5 hours in.  Fantastic. Feel so much better for it too.

My husband doesnt like me working at all, but so far hasnt been outwardly obstructionist about it.  Thats a plus. So although I wouldnt say he has been happy about it, he has been accepting of it.  I have tried to explain how important working is to me, so perhaps he is finally starting to understand.  As soon as my work starts to interfere with anything he wants however, that will change.

35yo is still so young.  Plenty of time still for doing anything you want to do.  But I think many women in their mid to late 30's do go through a similar concern.  I know my (step)daughter did.  But then she married a wonderful man when she was 36, and now they have 2 kids.  She is very career orientated too, and still has a great job.  She is a journo by profession, but does a lot of work in the PR field.  After taking 6 months off for each of the 2 children, she went back to work full time work again.  She couldnt be happier, and is a great Mum.

I was just thinking - do you still have a Kiwi accent?  Accents are pretty odd, some people change with the wind, and others retain their accents forever.  I'm curious as to which you are.

Stay happy and excited CW.  And have a good day.  Hope it cools down a bit over there for you.  I think our cool weather is about to come to an abrupt halt over this side of the country too.

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

Thanks for popping in to say hi Shelley. Hope you had a nice day yesterday.

Sherie I am very up and down. It's a bit frustrating to be honest and I get a little annoyed in the mornings when I wake up and my fear is back, but I'm doing what I can to work with it. It does make me sad sometimes though because I just want to be my old self. I'm just chatting with my dad online seeing what advice he can offer me. Sometimes he surprises me with good insights. 

I was expecting you to say your husband was glad for your new position. I hope at least you can continue your work unobstructed. Very exciting that you are going to see family. Is this your immediate family that live a few hours away? You will be back before I go so don't worry about that. 

I think I still have a bit of an accent. Mine was never super strong because my parents accents weren't strong kiwi accents. People still notice it with certain words, but most of the time people don't pick it up. I've found the Australian accent over here in the west not to be as strong as the east coast.

glad you had a solid block of sleep. I had trouble nodding off due to the weather, but managed about 5 hours also. Did you get up straight away when you woke up? I think I will sleep well tonight. It's 37 or 38 again today but dropping right down to 27 on Saturday which I'm looking forward to. 

Im about to get ready to go to work. Hopefully a relatively busy day so I can keep my brain active and occupied. 

[Guest_5218]

Hi CW.  Thanks for the message this morning.  I dont recall you mentioning your Dad before.  Is he in Kiwiland?  It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with him anyway.  So thats good, you still have your Mum and Dad as a support.

Yes my Mum, Dad, Sister and Brother are all 6 hours drive south of where we are now.  Mum and Dad are in their 80's now and quite frail, but still at home and independent.  My brother is on a farm near where they live, and he has his wife and 2 teenaged boys.  It was his 11 yo daughter who died in a car accident in August, so thats going to be a difficult visit.  

My older sister and her husband live in Canberra, but I will catch up with her when she visits my Mum and Dad. Thankfully I dont have to go to Canberra to visit her as the ACT always leads to triggers for my ptsd.  Thats where it all happened 20 years ago, and I know he still lives there.  Which is the reason I left many years ago.  I hate going back as I am always on edge and expecting to see him everywhere I go.  Cant relax at all.

Yes I got up as soon as I woke up, which was around 6.30am, after finally getting to sleep around 1am or 2am.

I hope you arent anywhere near all the bushfires around Perth?  Have a busy and productive day at work.

Sherie xx