Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[Guest_1055]

Hey Sherie

I am unsure of your meaning about me taking other people's problems as my own. I'm sorry I wish I could understand your words here, perhaps my brain isn't working properly, due to lack of sleep.

I hope you slept peacefully last night Sherie, I was thinking about you last night, hoping you were OK.

I was just reading your reply to Kaz, your husband doesn't physically or emotional hurt you does he? So what would happen if you told him more about what you went through? Would he get angry? And do you feel any better about being more open about your past on BB? I too have read what you wrote on the other thread, in the trauma forum. And my heart did hurt after reading it. And even now, as I write this I feel sad that you were treated in such a way. Humans can act in cruel ways. As I mentioned before, I am writing here now with caution, as I really don't want you to feel distressed in anyway. 

Well I am unsure on how to end this post. So I will just send you some love.💞

Shelley xxxx 

PS  I found some of those cute little pictures on this device, so did the bunch of 5 pink hearts come through on your end?

[Guest_1055]

Just sending out some love to you, at your workplace.

Shelley xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kaz, your earlier message did finally come through and I've just read it.

I hope your workplace is a slightly less sad and bewildering place than it was at the end of last year.  That would be so difficult for everyone, I cannot even imagine.  The only experience I have had with suicide has been an uncle who suicided about 10 years ago.  And a couple of young country neighbours who suicided when we were on the farm, and that would be about 8 years ago now.  Although I was not really close to any of them, it still left me feeling badly shaken and with so many unanswered questions about life and death.  There are times I get feelings that things would be so much easier to just not be here, and that nobody would miss me anyway, but I havent ever seriously considered suicide.  But I understand  how people can get desperate enough to do it. Your feelings of guilt regarding your colleague are unfounded, you know that.  Her colleagues who were closer to her than you, were unable to help her.  Lets just hope that she is now at peace.  Unfortunately for those left behind, the pain and confusion continues, and will for a long time.  As will the feelings of guilt for some for not having been able to help her.  But that guilt is unfounded.

No need to apologise about your earlier question - I did not see it as showing a lack of tact, but rather as a show of compassion.  If someone cares about someone then it is normal to be curious about them.  I hope my earlier brief explanation makes sense.

I hope your day is productive, if not happy.

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Shelley,

Thanks for your message.  My husband has never hurt me physically.  Psychologically and emotionally is a different matter however.  I think I do feel better for being able to talk about things on BB.  Something about a problem shared is a problem halved?  In some ways it makes everything more real.  But in accepting what happened, it is hoped that I can finally learn to deal with it.

When I said that you take on everyone elses problems as your own - I meant that you seem able to put yourself in other peoples shoes and somehow know what they are feeling.  That you are able to take it all on board and really care deeply about the pain and suffering that they feel.  Almost as if you are trying to take away that pain and absorb it yourself to relieve them of it.  To really share that pain. Have you considered giving yourself a bit of time out occasionally from the BB forums?  We would all miss you dreadfully, but for your own health its worth considering.  You probably get too emotionally involved in everyone's problems.  That is definitely not a criticism of you, in fact quite the opposite.  But it cant be healthy for you, and you must be totally exhausted.   

Your little picture with the hearts - I got a sideways square with little black hearts on each corner.  Cute tks.

I hope you get some rest, as I read earlier that you were heading off to get some sleep.  Sleep soundly.

With love,

Sherie xx

[Airies]

Hi Sherie,

love the photo of your dog. Is he a Jack Russell or similar. Just woken up here windy as and no energy. No suicidal thoughts but I can't be bothered doing a thing. Medication and beer are not a good combo.Been abusing my Prn meds a bit .will feel guilty as my wife's has worked and I haven't done a thing. Used to be an excercise junkie but struggle to exist some days. Having said that this is a good day and I hope you and others are having the same hugs to all 🙂

[Guest_5218]

Hello Igbran.  I have seen your profile photo before.  Cute dog - he looks like a Tenterfield perhaps?  My little dog is a she, and her name is Holly.  She's a mini foxie cross.  Only very slight build, long legged, lean little bundle of love and energy.  She's about 4.5kgs, so is only little.  She turned 7 on Christmas Day.  I think the Cross bit is a chiahuha (never can spell it properly). Great company arent they?  I really dont know what I'd do without my little girl.  She is curled up at my feet now while I am at the computer.  Having just finished lunch, she is wanting to go and have a bit of a sleep.  So she is waiting for me to do that.

It is just lightly raining where I am, but nice and cool, which is lovely.  I really dont like it hot!

No suicidal thoughts - thats a great start!  And no, meds and alchohol are not exactly recommended!  Now that the silly season is essentially over, perhaps you can start getting back on top of your meds to give them a proper chance to have the desired affect.  And then, if they still seem to be ineffective, then request for a change of meds.  I'm sure they have alternatives, which may sit better with you?  

That being said, I am happy for you that today is one of your good days.  And I am happy that you have felt able to come onto the website here and share your thoughts.  Thanks for the hug.  Always appreciate a good hug, and I feel like I need it just now, as I am not having such a good day myself.  Anyway hugs back to you.

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

Sherie you know how I know you are not weak and pathetic? Because you are fighting. 

A weak and pathetic person would just give up, but you have not, you are fighting to be better, fighting to feel well, fighting to work, fighting to have the life you deserve.

Someone with that much fight can surely not be weak or pathetic. It doesn't matter if life knocks you down every now and then, you don't have to win every time. One of my favourite lines is "fall down 9 times, stand up 10".

I feel as though you have had a less than wonderful few days and I hope today is finding you better. Are you scheduled to work tomorrow? It must be nice to be getting a routine.

[Guest_5218]

Thankyou Chicken Wings.  Not sure you're right, because I often feel scared, weak and pathetic.  But I do try to fight.  Sometimes it just gets harder I guess.  Falling down 9 times and standing up 10 is a good analagy isnt it? Trouble is, sooner of later you become 'punch drunk'.

Yes, it has been a difficult few days.  And it shouldnt have been.  I thought I had things back on track and feeling much better.  So I just dont really understand.  A couple of sleepless nights doesnt help either, and I have been wandering around today feeling highly anxious, shakey inside and out, with my heart beating through my chest and into my head.  I know its just anxiety, and that I will be okay.  But it doesnt seem to want to go away today.

Yes I am due into work again tomorrow, and maybe again on Thursday.  So that will be good for me.  And a routine is good, yes, because it forces me to do things.  You're back at work already arent you?  

Are you feeling a bit better about your upcoming travel to the UK?  I loved Kazzl's suggestion about all of us imaginally going with you.  About you taking something with you to remind you of us, perhaps something Blue.  Great idea, coz I'd love to do a trip  to the UK with you.  I've done a bit of travel, but never to UK or Europe.  I wish I could take your little doggies under my wing and look after them for you in your absence too.  I'm sure Holly wouldnt mind.  But I know you've made other plans for them, and I'm sure they will be quite safe and happy there.

Thankyou Chicken Wings.

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

I know how you feel Sherie, when you do well you don't notice until you're not doing so well. Then it feels like you're slipping backwards.

But I feel like I've seen you make progress, its ok to have bad days. Its so hard not to get overwhelmed by the disappointment of it, just know that you will have good days again. You will.
If you feel like having a cry about it, do it. But make sure you give yourself a cut off time for your anguish and then push yourself to do something active, like a short walk or even just vacuuming to music!

I know you don't feel strong right now, but I have faith in you. I know you will continue to improve, I know it. I hope you to feel how strongly I believe that and it helps.

I'm still nervous about travelling, more so in the mornings, thats when I shake.. Its a nice idea to take something with me isn't it. I will have a good think about what exactly that could be. 

I bet my boys would have the best time with Holly, does she like to chase balls? Mine are all about chasing balls.
I bought them some special dog ice creams I found at Woolworths. They are lactose free. Its a full week in the high 30s here and they love the nice icy cold treats.

[Guest_5218]

Thankyou for your very understanding reply CW.  You obviously do know exactly what its like.  It is very disappointing every time you feel yourself go backwards.  I know I will pick up again, I always do.  But its still hard. And yes, I've done the crying bit over the course of the day.  I manage to hold it all together until I'm alone and then the tears come.  I am working tomorrow, and we are meant to get heaps of rain.  So I wont be able to go out walking for a couple of days probably.  Poor Holly!  Vacuuming to music?  Mmm, I guess I'd need earphones to do that, and I dont currently have any.  Maybe just turn up the stereo instead?

Holly likes to play fetch.  Usually with her soft squeaky toys.  Like Moo in the picture here.  And we can play with those inside even if its wet outside.  Her picture is her bringing Moo back and wanting me to throw him again. She is poised ready to go, ears pricked.  She is good at jumping and catching.  She will chase balls too, but prefers her soft toys.  I think most balls are a bit big for her.  Dog ice creams?  I've not seen them, must have a look.  Where in Woolies are they kept?  Eg Ice cream section, or pet section?  Is there even a freezer section within the pet area?  Holly likes real icecream.  And she doesnt have an intolerance to lactose anyway.  I know many dogs do, but she has never had an issue.  She likes a tiny bit of milk with her kibble breakfast in the mornings.  As you might gather, she is dreadfully spoilt!

So when are we heading off to the UK.  I dont recall you mentioning just when you are leaving.

Sherie xx