Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[Kazzl]

Hey Sherie lovely lady. I've just read a post from you from 5 hours ago on the Trauma thread. How are you feeling after posting hun? You are so very brave and generous to talk about it in support of someone else. I admire you immensely. Very big hug.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Sherie.  

 Ah that is way kind for you to check to see how I am, mighty kind. Yes I am OK, just physically a little tired that's all.

I have been reading through a few threads here on BB today, but not replying to many, so maybe that is why I appear to have a low profile. You know before becoming a member of BB, I didn't really have an deep awareness of other people.... well the inside story of what there life is like. And some of the words people say, well it breaks my heart. Even now as I write this tears are coming to my eyes. I truly cannot stand the thought of someone else hurting...... So I will receive your hug now, into my heart. 

I had noticed you visiting the cafe, and watching the cricket. And from some other posts that you have well... posted I found out you used to play sport a lot, so were you really good at it? Was it squash? I have a few fond memories of that, mainly the sound the ball made as it hit the wall. My parents used to play that when I was little, I think mainly for fun. We hung around above, watching and for me... listening to the ball noises, and I think their shoes squeaked as well. I have to say that I am not the sporty type, and I am actually frightened of balls hitting me. In fact and I am not sure why, but they seem to gravitate to me and I get hit. This is like in backyard extended family cricket or having to play sports at school.

Oh... we have a shower in our bathroom.

Hugs

Shelley xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kaz.  Yes I'm okay thanks.  It always stirs things up a bit for a while, so I probably wont sleep tonight.  But the young lady's story struck a chord and I needed to respond.  I know how she feels and I want to help her, but I know I really cant.  Nothing will ever make it right.  

I dont think that makes me brave or worthy of admiration.  Although I thank you for your kind words.  In fact thinking about it now, I have tears running down my face, which I cant seem to stop.  I hope she gets further help, and doesnt do what I did and battle on alone. I kept my closely held secret for 19 years and its like it just grew and festered. And other than a few people here on the BB site the only person who knows what happened is my psych.  She suggested I join these Forums so I could open up a bit in between appointments with her.  

And hey, thanks for the hug.  Feels good....

Sherie x

[Guest_5218]

Hiya Chicken Wings.  Good to hear from you again.  

Thanks for your suggestion regarding the 29th Feb.  Its certainly worth some thought.  Usually I am just far too fearful, anxious and aggitated to even consider doing anything around that date.  But I really should try to make a greater effort shouldnt I?  Maybe a 20 year anniversary is the perfect time to do that!  One good thing - the 29th Feb only happens once every 4 years  ( - :

I wont make any promises, as it just may be a bridge too far.  Not sure you know me well enough to say that I'm not weak and pathetic though?  But if thats the impression you have of me, then thanks.  

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Shelley.  Glad you're okay.  No wonder you're tired, you never seem to sleep!

You're such a kind hearted lady, you seem to take in everyone elses problems, take them to heart and make them your own.  I sometimes think you care too much ................

Yes, I used to play a lot of sport, in particular - squash, indoor cricket, basketball, athletics, tennis, golf.  I was good at squash and athletics, but very ordinary at most of the others.  But I enjoyed them all.  Memories are funny arent they - your memories of the squash ball for example, and the squeaky shoes on the squash court.  

So, have you got any hot water yet?  At least with a bath you can heat up water by jug and still have a hot, or at least warm, bath.  Not so simple with a shower though.

I hope you can get some proper rest tonight so you arent quite so physically tired tomorrow.

Your hugs are always appreciated.

Sherie xx

[Kazzl]

Sherie hun, I hope I'm not intruding or causing you pain, and if you don't want to respond I certainly understand ... But, when you say only your psych knows, does that mean your husband doesn't? God that must be hard for you. I feel very humbled that you have placed your trust in us on BB. And I sincerely hope with all my heart that opening up here helps you.

xxxx

[Kazzl]

Sherie, I have just seen your post about my post on the Suicidal thoughts thread. Thank you my dear dear friend. I'm not going to engage in the discussion further, especially as I'm steeling myself for tomorrow. My work was such a sad, bewildered place before the holidays. Everyone felt it, her immediate colleagues were riddled with guilt and they had tried to help her. I feel guilty because I knew she was suffering but didn't know her well enough to talk with her about it. But I must move on, not dwell, hopefully the break has helped everyone.

Hun please ignore my question to you ... it was tactless, I'm sorry.

I hope you sleep tonight. Xxx

[Guest_5218]

He knows very little.  I never knew him at the time it happened.  I only started to see him 6 months or so afterwards, and we married 2 years after the rape.  I freaked out once early on in our relationship, so I was forced to explain my irrational reaction to a bit of physical closeness.  I told him that I had been assaulted the year before, but nothing more.  We have never spoken of it since that day.  I think he would prefer not to know anyway.  And true, its not an ideal situation - far from it.  I would like his support sometimes, but dont feel I can ask for it.  It would mean telling him what happened, and I cant do that.  He is a very volatile personality and I dont know what he would do.

[Kazzl]

hey Sherie hun. I posted to you earlier but it hasn't come through yet ... and I think we've crossed posts.

I must go to bed now or I'll be no good to anyone tomorrow. And I must go to work ... because I've done my ironing 😳.

I hope this discussion hasn't stirred things up too much for you and you get some sleep tonight. I'll see you tomorrow my friend.

xxx

[Guest_5218]

Glad you got that ironing done!  Ha ha.  I do wish I had those little emoticon things to use.

I read your post on the 'Guilt' thread.  Wow!  Thats really all I can say.

In case I dont see you until after work - have a good day. 

Good night my amazingly couragious friend.  Sleep tight, and hopefully talk tomorrow.

Sherie xx