Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[White_Rose]

Hello Yggy

Nice to hear from you again. Those down days can be dreadful. I have been quite unwell for three or four months and not posted a great deal. I had medication after my radiation treatment which interacted rather unfavourably with my AD. A most horrendous time. Stopped taking both meds and no intentions of returning to ADs. I will be meeting with the oncologist in three months to see how things are going but I doubt he will suggest any other medication.

Generally I am finding more good days than bad days so I am able to plan ahead, so to speak. The trick I find is to keep myself busy and not sit around thinking. That's my big downfall. I had such wonderful support while I was having the radiation treatment and I still get emotional when I think about it. So I will not refuse help when it is offered in the future.

Staying less isolated means I have to make the effort to get out and about which can be hard. The amazing part is that since I have been ill so many people have shown they care. It's been a revelation.

I think helping others is the best cure for isolation. It works in the same way as posting on BB. When we lift the hearts of others we lift our own hearts also.

Mary

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Hope & Yggy,

isolation is a double edged sword isn't it, sometimes you crave it and then other times you'd give anything not to feel so much of it.

im the same with forcing myself. It's not always a success, but you have to keep trying, because trying is like medicine.

ive taken to watching terrible tv shows that I would never normally watch in an effort to stay in a positive frame of mind. Silly sitcoms and the like; sometimes your world just needs canned laughter.

motivation is tough, I guess I find motivation in wanting to beat depression. Basically weighing up my options and deciding that option one (crying into a cushion and shaking) doesn't sound like fun. So although option two (going out and seeing people) sounds daunting, in comparison to option one I prefer it.

i think remembering past success is helpful too. If I'm scared about going somewhere I remember a time I saw those people or went to that place before that was a success. I then tell myself to just expect success again. Sometimes I can will myself into a better frame of mind. Sometimes.

[Guest_5218]

Afternoon everyone,

Nice to see the new contributors to this lively little thread, so welcome to you all.

CW - it sounds like you had a great time at yesterdays BBQ.  I'm so glad.  Sorry to hear that sleep evades you though.  Thats a pain.  I seem to wake up every night and see the clock tick over 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am.  It doesnt help the frame of mind the next day, it just adds to the anxiety I find.  Plus you're dead tired with it.  I am yet to find a solution, so unfortunately I am unable to leave you with any words of wisdom in that regard.

I'm sorry if I caste a bit of a miserable picture yesterday.  In fact I was really feeling very sorry for myself in general, so it probably came through in my posts.  Hubby was drunk as usual last night and he gets very angry and abusive when he is drunk.  So my little dog got all upset and went and hid under the bed, while I retreated to a quiet spot to 'wait it out'.  I really dont want to paint a totally horrible picture, as hubby really is a good man, but has many health problems both physical and mental.  And he is always sorry the next day when he knows he's gone 'over the top'.  So my apologies to the readers here, I said more than I should have done.  And yes, I do find comfort in being able to express myself through these posts.  Joint psychology sessions would never work, he just refuses to acknowledge that they are worthy of his time.  And as a typical narcissist he only sees his own problems as worthy, and nobody else's.  

I am looking for some part time work and had a job interview on Tuesday.  It went well and I thought I had a pretty good chance, but I havent heard anything further, so my hopes are diminishing by the day. As a result of a long term chronic injury I have, it is difficult to find suitable work with the flexibility that I need. So opportunities are few and far between.  I will keep trying though, as working is important to me. I have found it difficult since I finished my last job in October, when the business was sold.

Hi Kazzl - your poodles sound like great dogs. I've never had poodles, but I believe they can be a bit 'hare-brained' at times.  All part of their appeal!   And I like how you use hon, chook etc as well. My little 11yo niece who died in a car accident a few months ago had the nickname of 'chook' amongst her family.  She was a very dear sweet little girl.  I hope you are enjoying your hard earned break from work.  Dont overdo the gardening, its too hot.

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

I've been thinking of you Sherie. Please don't worry about saying too much or painting a bad picture. Sometimes we have days where we just need to get those feelings out, even if they are only temporary. Although I must say nobody deserves to feel abused, even if the person is sorry later.

Ive been trying to think of ways to improve things for you so you can get more support, but really I don't have any great insights. My only thought was whether you could visit your family for a week or so, just so you can have break from every day life.

I feel a bit strange today, like I want to cry and tell everyone everything, but I'm also anxious and another tiny part of me just wants to give up.

sometimes I wish I could stop caring. If I didn't care so much about people i wouldn't be anxious about them. I wish I didn't care what people thought of me, so I wouldn't stress about being ok for them. I wish I didn't care what happened in the world or at work or to me.

im a bit jealous of my boyfriend sometimes as he is able to just not care. Or at least that's how it appears outwardly. Things just seem to bother him less. His issues are more about himself or how he perceives himself, so external factors aren't so much of an issue.

I know when we hire people at work it can take a while to get back to them, so try not to feel dejected about that just yet. I wish you the best of luck in finding something.

I hope you're feeling well today Sherie. Maybe take little Holly for a walk in the late afternoon as the heat of the day is leaving. Listen to some music and just get some time to yourself. You know I've met some great friends before at dog parks, maybe you might also? 

[Guest_5218]

Gee I'm sorry CW that you have been left thinking of me!  No need to worry honestly.  I dont want you to feel worse by caring about my predicament.

In answer to your question, yes I do feel a little better today thankyou.  I find that my anxiety builds and builds until its like I cant hold it together any more.  Then I usually end up in a flood of tears.  But thats usually helpful, like a dam bursting or a boil lanced, it releases some of the pressure.  Yeah, a pressure valve!

Its very hot here so I wont be venturing out for a walk until it cools down considerably.  Trouble is, if I wait until after dark, there arent any street lights where I am, so I dont feel safe.  And we dont have any dog parks around here either.  But we do live on 3 acres so plenty of space for Holly to roam safely and hunt for her bunnies.  And if it rains we play indoor 'fetch' games with her squeeky toys.  She likes that.

Regarding visiting family.  That is an option, but they live 7 hours drive away, so planning is needed.  And I dont like being on the roads at this time of year anyway.  Its going to be very difficult for my brothers' family this Xmas after the loss of their little girl in the car accident in August.  At this stage I will visit them in early January.  If I do hear back about the job I applied for, and I happen to get it, then that may mean I need to change some plans.  But I will deal with that if and when it happens.

I hope you have a good day.

Sherie x

[Guest_5218]

Hello to all my friends on the 'worthless' thread.  I hope you've all had nice weekends?

I wanted to quickly share my good news with you all.  I was interviewed last Tuesday for a new job.  I just got a phonecall to advise me that I have been successful in getting the job.  I commence on Tuesday.

So I am a happy lady.  I think?  Maybe this will help me get myself back on track again.

Thanks to each of you for your reassuring posts of late.  I really do appeciate having you all there lending a sympathetic and understanding ear when I need it.  

From a very grateful Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Sherie, I didn't mean to imply that my anxiety has been worse for thinking of you. I promise it's fine. I'd much rather be thinking of ways to be helpful than what's usually going on in my mind.

I can't imagine how your brothers family will be feeling with such a loss. My cousin died in a car accident when I was younger, my aunt was completly inconsolable. 

I hope things become easier for them over time. My aunt found a rose with the same name as my cousin and planted a little garden with a sculpture in memory of her. It's brought her some peace.

I hope you are ok too.

It's lovely that you have so much space. Id love to have a big property. I'd love to have lots of animals, the more the better. Holly must love having so much space to race around. Do you have other animals too? 

I've had an alright day. I went and saw a friend about dog sitting. I felt anxious but she was really lovely and gave me a hug. I needed it.

I came home and felt sad, and a bit frustrated. But my boyfriend said to lay down with him for a while and I ended up sleeping for a few hours. I needed that too I think.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Wayne and little Lucy

I was just reading one of your posts. That is pretty interesting how you flew in small planes to your work. Was the plane like rocky? Maybe you didn't feel it because you were asleep though.

I'm so glad you had a grandmother and grandfather that loved you.  And some grandmother's can give such comfort in their special ways, like yours did to you. And I am sorry your mother doesn't recognise you, that can be part of dementia I'm guessing. So you have a brother, do you have other siblings then?

You know a few people have suggested it would be good to meet up like face to face. But truthfully, I think I actually would be scared in a way. I would not know what to say at all..... But there may be a lot of hugs going around..

And to you remember how I mentioned I was going to my extended family Christmas thing? Well that was today, And Wayne I am so so glad I went along. Thankyou for your encouragement in that regard. I was feeling a little sick, with anxiety at first, and I did feel like some were staring at me. But it was one of the best Christmas family things that I have been too. So so thankful........yeah, yeah

Shelley xx

[Guest_2350]

Hello All,

It is awesome to have such a lively thread! Thank you for all the welcoming messages. I’ve been reading it throughout the day. I hope you all coped ok with the hot weather today.

Dear Hope4joy, so proud you went to the event on Friday, that is a huge achievement! Sorry you had a bad time at work though, I can relate to feeling so disconnected to everyone and no one can cheer you up. If there
are children at parties, I try and goof around with them, that cheers me up at times. It is great that you have some people to talk to. It took me a long time to feel confident to open up and there are only a few selected people so far. I try and push myself to go out, I am so worried I will stop altogether at some point, if I let myself go. I am not happy when I hide inside the house either.

Dear Chicken Wings, how has your day been? I hope the visit to your friend went well. When are you flying? I’ve been getting anxious before trips lately and I try to cut them into chunks – pack my bag, drive to the
airport, park my car, check-in, go through security... and I tell myself that I can stop and go home at any step if I feel too uncomfortable. I also pop in my earphones and listen to calming music and do colour in on my phone. Breathing exercises help too. Good luck!

Dear Mary, I am glad to hear that you are feeling a little better, I have missed you on the forum. When you had radiation treatment, what sort of support did you receive? Apart from the forum here, are there self-help
groups or online chat groups you could engage with? I also believe that helping others is a great way to keep connected.

Dear Sherie, I am so sorry to read about your niece. That is horrible. I cannot find any words to say how I feel about this. I am just so sorry for you and your family.

Sherie, what kind of job are you looking for? I wish you all the best and that you find something suitable soon. Don't give up, I am sure you will find something good for yourself.

I listened to a talk today about letting go of resentment, what other people are thinking, past hurts... and start the year 2016 in a fresh way and focus on one special theme for the year. It was inspiring, but unless I start feeling like I am in charge of my life again, it is a dream far away.

Have a good night! Yggy

[Chicken_Wings]

Sherie this is wonderful news! I'm so happy for you.

this is going to be so great, you're going to get out and about and have something that's just yours.