Worthless

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am wanting to know if anyone else feels just worthless. And what they did about that feeling that creeps inside of you.

Thanks

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Sherie,

im sorry you don't get the support you need at home. My boyfriend is pretty good, although we come from different styles of family and his is far less "huggy" than I'm used to so emotions and feelings are sometimes hard.

have you spoken to your husband on one of your good days about what kind of support you need?

I've actually just renewed my passport and I've been saving and am now planning a trip to see my mum. I'm terrified though. Flying has not always been my friend in the past and I haven't travelled that far in a very long time. I usually try to have an "escape plan" and know I can get to somewhere I know and feel safe, so going all that way is very daunting and part of what is causing my anxiety at the moment.

ive got everything I need, I just need to actually book it. But every morning I wake up and that's what my anxious thoughts are about. It's so frustrating because I want to do it but it's also the thing that scares me the most.

My little man has tonnes of character. He brings me so much joy, even if he is a bit crap at playing with other dogs (he can be a bit of a snob). 

I actually have another dog and it's his birthday today, turning 6. He is everyone else's favourite cause he is one of those dogs that just goes to any person and asks for cuddles. Whereas the little one is a bit more discerning. But that's why I like him I think, you have to earn his love.

[Guest_1055]

Hello CW

Are you feeling any better now?

 I'm sorry that you have struggled with this feeling of being worthless. It truly is a horrible and for me a very alone sort of feeling. Hope you will receive a very soothing hug from me.  Which I am sending to you now....You know sometimes when I have felt a need of someone to just hug me, and there was no one around that is huggy. Well I would just kneel beside my bed, with my head resting on the side. Then I would close my eyes and just let all the built up tears just flow, get it all out, whatever it is that is hurting my heart. Then I remember someone that has brought me some sort of comfort  to me before. This someone is pretty much my mother. She must have comforted me when I was a baby by just gently caressing my head. It sort of brings a sense of comfort and soothing.  This reason I am telling you this is because maybe you could do a similar thing, or something since your mother lives so far away.

I am not sure if anything that I have written will help, but please, please know that you will be OK, you will be OK.

With many, many hugs to you

Shelley xxx

[Chicken_Wings]

Thank you Shelley,

your message brought a tear to my eye, in a good way.

my mum used to stroke my head when I was little too, my boyfriend does it now sometimes. I have actually found a way to curl up on the couch facing the back, where the cushions sort of cradle me. I guess that's similar to how you use the bed? It's a weird feeling sometimes when you cry and it feels good,  even though you don't like the sadness.

im still a bit teary, but I am better than I was earlier. We are going to a BBQ for dinner with some nice friends so hopefully I will be ok there.

thank you again Shelley, I believe you when you tell me I will be ok.

[Guest_5218]

I just read Shelleys beautiful post, and I'm glad you find that comforting too.  Shelley is always so believable dont you think?  And knows just the right thing to say.  I so wish I knew you guys in real life, I could talk to you.

Regarding hubby, no I cant really talk to him at all.  Thats part of the problem I think.  There is just never a good time to really talk.  He just gets really angry and impatient.  He is ex military and has ptsd too, so we are a fairly volatile pair.  He is also fairly typical of ex military and is of the belief that only Military people get ptsd.  He is aware that I was raped prior to meeting him, but we never discuss it.  He thinks that the issues I experience now is just me being neurotic, or silly and totally unreasonable.  So he isnt very understanging at all.  You'd think he would be, but he isnt.

So you're not a happy flier then.  Was the post I read a week or more ago called 'flying' from you?  I have flown a bit over the years, and I am one of the lucky ones in that I dont get overly anxious about it.  You do know that it is safer than travelling on our roads, dont you?  Bite the bullet and make your booking.  You wont regret it, and your Mum will be so pleased to see you.

I like that you have to earn your little dog's trust and love.  It makes them even more precious!  Pets, and expecially dogs, are just the greatest little buddies.  No 'black dog' here, just my little Holly who is mostly white.

Enjoy your BBQ dinner with your friends tonight, I'm sure you will be fine.

Sherie x

[Chicken_Wings]

Yes, Shelley is wonderful. Everything is so genuine and heartfelt and that makes what she says so much more meaningful. I wish I knew you guys too, it'd be the best hugs!

I'm sorry your husband isn't more understanding. I'm glad you've found this forum though. Although I do hope you have a person you can talk to face to face as well when you need it. I'm also incredibly sorry to read what you've had to go through, I can only imagine. But you a clearly a strong and brave woman. 

yea, the post about flying was me. I'm not actually scared of the flying part, it's the distance from home part and the bit about being stuck there once it takes off. One of the legs is 14hrs. Some days I feel tough and like it's going to be no problem, other days it feels like it's insurmountable. 

Ive been to the UK before too, in fact I travelled a lot when I was younger so I know what to expect. But in recent years I've had panic attacks travelling across Aus so my brain has built flying up to be this thing that inevitably causes panic.

I know I have to do it, I know I want to do it, but each step closer brings out more anxiety. The day my new passport arrived was a big blow in my recovery.

My little dog is mostly black, the most colour is in his face. Last time I had a relapse in my depression I wrote an essay about the 2 black dogs in my life. One being horrible and the other being my little ray of sunshine that sticks with me through everything.

I think Holly would get along with my little man, he likes girls. Has she got some fox terrier in her? Dogs really are the best people.

my boyfriend is making is special pumpkin and pine nut salad for the BBQ and I've bought some fancy sausages. I plan  a nice time.

[Guest_5218]

Yes, I do appreciate hugs from you and Shelley Anne.  My family are a long way away and I only get to see them a couple of times a year.  I dont have any friends nearby who I can confide in, so I am fairly socially isolated. Hubby is a very jeolous and suspicious person so its just not worth the effort of maintaining any friendships locally.  So I keep pretty much to myself.  Hubby is an alcoholic, so life can be pretty difficult at times.  So yeah, the cyber hugs I get here are nice.  

There isnt anyone I can talk to as I have never told anybody about what happened to me almost 20 years ago.  I have always kept it to myself, never confiding in anybody until this year, when I told my psychologist.  I am able to talk to her.  Well sort of anyway.  I still disolve into tears whenever the subject comes up, but I have managed to tell her what happened throughout some CBT therapy for ptsd during the year.  More therapy planned for next year.  But I organise it for when hubby is away, so I dont have to explain my absences.  Funny you should say that I am strong and brave, my psych tells me that too.  But it certainly doesnt feel like I am.

The photo of your dog looks like he is brown or tan, not black.  So it is quite deceptive. I'm glad that he is such a comfort to you.  And yes, Holly is a miniature fox terrier crossed with a chiahuaha.  Long legged little thing she is, and fast!  But so very sweet natured and sensitive.

Pumpkin and pine nut salad sounds yummy.  I have a favourite salad that I make sometimes with roasted pumpkin, pinenuts and baby spinach.  Its very nice, and always a hit at BBQ's. And sausages are always good. I know you will enjoy yourself.  Just try to relax...

Sherie xx

[Chicken_Wings]

Do you work Sherie? I found a couple of nice people at my work who I can talk to if I need to. would your husband really be mad at you for seeing a psychologist? Does he see someone about his own ptsd?

Please tell me something good about your relationship, I'd love to hear about the positives.

Family being far away is tough. I'm without family here and as I said my boyfriends family aren't quite like mine in terms of closeness. That's one of the things I'm working on in my psychology sessions because feeling like part of a family is really important to me.

It's fantastic that you've begun to open up. Don't worry too much if you're not talking heaps yet, the fact that you've told someone and they know why you're crying is huge. Of course you are strong, it takes such strength to keep this all to yourself for so long, many people would have crumbled! And then you're brave because you've made the choice to be better and told someone what happened.

xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi CW,

I was working part time as bookkeeper up until end of September, but the business I worked for sold when the owner turned 65.   I was offered the same position by the new owner but it was at the time my brother was involved in a car accident which resulted in the death of my 11 yo niece and serious injury of my brother.  So I was away visiting family off and on for a month or more, and I didnt feel able to accept the new position.  So I havent been working since then, and I find that very difficult.  Work gives me a sense of worth and achievement. But I certainly would not talk personally with anyone I know from work anyway.  I've not been able to talk to family, limited friends, or any body else for 20 years, so that probably will never change.  My psych actually suggested I look at this site so I could 'open up' a bit.  Thats why I'm here.  

Any yes, my hubby would see my problems as being somehow reflective on him.  He is, I believe, a narcissist. My psych suggested that he is, and after reading about exactly what they are, the description fits him like a glove. Regarding his own PTSD, he sees a psychiatrist and is on medication to help him.  But he believes that psychologists are, in his words, 'useless and good for nothing'.  So he sees it as a waste of money, and does not approve.  But I personally find it worthwhile, and will continue to go while ever I can.

Positives?  I believe that he does love me, in his own way.  And he does need me, so I feel responsible for him.  

Regarding family, I think I may be quite the opposite to you.  My family were always very remote and hands off. Never any show of emotion.  Very much old school and country.  And its the way I grew up. Its probably another reason why the rape affected me as badly as it did 20 years ago.  My husbands family are much more demonstrative and always hug whenever we meet etc.   So I have become more that way since being  with my hubby over the past 18 years.  And its nice, I like it now. But it did take a while and was difficult initially.

The photo of my little Holly with one of her squeeky toys was taken a year or two ago.  She is about the only dog I know who still has the same toys she had when she was a puppy.  She is very gentle.  Unless there is a rabbit involved!  And then she turns into a killer..........

Let me know tomorrow how the BBQ went.

Sherie xx

[Guest_4987]

Hey CW,

I've read that you have been BBQing I hope you had a good time and you are feeling a bit better. I went over to my bro's for dinner but actually all I wanted to do was sit in front of his air-conditioner so really hot in the steel container that I am living in at the moment, how good was that I went over to get cool and got a feed as well.

I have read all the latest posts on this thread and gee how nice, comforting and just lovely Shelley,Sherie and Kaz are, to coin Shelley I would give all four of you a big hug too.

I feel for you in respect to the flying thing, I too have a problem with flying but not quite the same issue as you mine is that I flew to work for 20 years to isolated locations and was just fed up with it so what I did was get on the plane and go to sleep asap then wake up when we arrived at the location these were 18 seater or smaller planes so the only place to sleep with any comfort was on the floor..what a dag I am!

Sorry to hear the your mum is not well, my mum is in a  home with dementia and doesn't remember me but does my brother, so sad. I really hope you find what it takes to visit her I'am sure it would be good for both of you.

I grew up without my mother in my life till I was 18 and then she became part of my life, my father was a alcoholic and never part of my life at all, my grandmother on my fathers side raised me and I loved her and my grandfather so much it took so much away from me when the passed. My grandmother used to rub my back when I needed her touch, anyway the touch of some one that cares is so precious do you think?.

I was so pleased to see the photo of your little doggie and seeing that Sherie changed her photo to her little dog holley I couldn't stop myself to change mine to a pic of my little girl Lucy cause I wanted to be part of the pac haha.

Well CW you look after yourself and I hope you feel better after your BBQ and I just want to say I care about you as the others do.

STS aka Wayne

[Guest_1055]

Hey CW, hope you have woken up nice and rested. And that you are calm today. That couch position that you mentioned that you curl in, does sound like a comforting hug.

I read through the conversation between you and Sherie that you had last night, and it sounded like you were feeling a bit better. So perhaps this was a distraction for you, a bit of a respite from how you were feeling.  I think it does us real good to sort of voice out, well write out in this case, what is happening inside of us and also the lighter aspects of our lives as well.

Well I do hope this post finds you feeling loved and you realise how special you are. And you do sound like, a sort of just get up and do it sort of woman, a bit of strength there, is what I see.

Warm hug for you, and your dear mum.

Shelley xxx