Withdrawal after a serious hospitalization

[LC80]

Midway through 2025 I was flown to Sydney to ne admitted to hospital with a rare and deadly serious bacterial infection of my windpipe. The short story is during early treatment I went into respiratory arrest, and near death transferred to ICU after intubation. I was sedated for a week and the tube was removed. Due to the rarity of my condition I was kept in isolation in the main during my three and a half month stay. My ongoing treatment as an outpatient will last a total of 12 months of antibiotic treatment, not including the IV treatment I was given in hospital. I have to return to Sydney from my county town every three months for follow up blood tests  and a clinic visit for more medication. Since returning home full time I have become more withdrawn, to the point that I avoid going out if possible. Where I was very involved in community radio all I do now is one two hour shift on air a week. I wouldn't call myself depressed, although I have suffered bouts in the past. Life is different because of the after effects of the infection and the damage caused to my trachea after the stent that kept it open was removed. The possibility of tracheal collapse plays on my mind sometimes, if I am having a low energy day. That is a regular occurrence and an ongoing after effect. My friends and wife, although they mean well, don't understand what I went through mentally. They saw the physical side of my hospital stay and it was very difficult for them, particularly my stay in ICU. "That's in the past now" is what I have been told, however mentally it's not. 

[Pete66]

in 2019 I became an amputee. Nobody mentions tyhis at the time, but most amputees go through depression. 
It took mt 3 years to eventually see my GP and I got some medication. 
IMV, this medication does not cure mental heath, but it did give me a chance to sleep, and with a good nigths sleep I could think more clearly and my mental health improved. 
See your GP, or talk to a social worker next time you are in the hospital

[LC80]

The word back from my Sydney based doctors, 400k's away from me, is that the hospital phycology team do not want to put me on any medications for my mental health. My body is being bombarded by a toxic cocktail of treatment for my lung issues, and they are wary of any chemical interactions. My body is losing weight fairly quickly and my mind is losing the strength to keep on top of everything that is happening to me physically. I AM trying to get help but living in a small rural town is making it very difficult. 

[Pete66]

That makes it hard.
As you said, this treatment will hopefully be over by the end of the year.
I wish I had a suggestion on how you can get through

[Croix]

Dear James~

Yes living in so isolated a place creates all sorts of problems, and I'd expect the team that is so remote from you could have a point. Too large a dosage  of the psychiatric medication I'm on depresses breathing, and as I have COPD together with other physical hassles it tends to be a balancing act. Not a good thing for you to be denied something that might help, very frustrating but sort of understandable.

I have had non medicinal treatment for various mental issues, and some have been a help, talk therapy being one with my psych, trying to control what I know will affect me adversely is another, Mindspot Clinic tailored courses too. I'm not saying they would suit you as they have me, just trying to let you know there are some things that might help.

In your current condition you may not have the mental energy to take on anything, however even talking can be a help (and it can be about ordinary or amusing things).

I found this several years ago when waiting 3 endless months to find out if I had lung cancer (a biopsy was not appropriate apparently) and constantly played dungeons and dragons with 2 friends to make the time go faster. Again I'm not saying what I found helpful would fit in for you, just a thought about putting extra things in your life.

Losing weight is a worry, has the hospital dietician been called in to give advice? I was lucky in striking a sensible one and the suggestions were reasonable, palatable and not expensive. Yes, I realise every time I speak I drag out another ailment/disability. I have more than my fair share to draw on but only mention each one when the occasion seems appropriate 😕

One thing you may already have considered is that the body and mind are a two-way link, so your physical condition may directly affect your mental well being as well as having the natural depressing thoughts about what has been happening to you - as may the toxic drugs you are on. You have mentioned your treatment may be reduced in the near future, hopefully you may feel things improving from then on.

It can be very easy to assume that future life will just hold unpleasant matters, it is an assumption though, there may well be unexpected things to enjoy and appreciate too.

I guss you may see me as someone always chanting "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"" as found in Monty Python's "Life of Brian", I'm guilty of that I'm afraid:)

Croix

[LC80]

Croix,

           I am waking up each day to a day of fear. I am scared about what life has in store for me post treatment, or even if treatment will be continued in some form for a length of time that has no end. I, along with my wife,  moved to country NSW from Sydney seven years and eight months ago to escape the city. Four years ago I had major back surgery that has largely been successful, and for the last fourteen months I have been on treatment for my rare illness. My working life was about structure in my life. When I retired I was healthy and I regularly cycled and bushwalked for fitness. Since relocating my health has dropped away and my mental health has suffered. I have been doing community radio for the last seven years but my love for it has gone. Our brand new caravan is on the market, without it ever being used. My love of traveling has gone. The joy of living has gone.  I am in the darkest of places. More than I have ever been, well at least since I was in ICU last year and begged the doctors to let me die. I am trying to access some mental health support but as I said living in the country has it's draw backs.  I just wish I could get one win, just one, to help lift my mood just a little. 

James

[Croix]

Dear James~

It is a truly horrible time for you, not only the current physical symptom but also having to wait to see if you treatment can come to a conclusion or need to continue in some form or other. I can well understand your wanting the hospital let you die, it would only be natural under the circumstances at that time.

Yes, you have lost a lot of things you had been anticipating and that is a great pity, the new life you were planning on living, that brand new caravan, even your loss of enjoyment in radio.

You have been a person that, together with your partner, have seen ways to improve your lives in the past, with travel and with moving into a rural environment. That seems to show you had the ability to see the shortcomings of your then life, and were able to take action to remedy them, something not all have the ability to do, even in retirement.

Now you are faced with a new more pervasive set of issues. This does not mean your character has changed and your ability to adapt still remains, even if it might not seem that way at present.

While you are waiting to see how things turn out please to try to combat that fear while waiting by distraction, Smiling Mind as I previously said can help, as can other things. Small victories may be the only things attainable just at the moment - for instance making your partner smile may be one. They are nevertheless victories.

Croix

[LC80]

Croix,

           My wife would be better off without me. That's the reality. There have been many times in the past whereI would not make the big financial committment to buy a house. We are not badly off financially as we have a good income, but now I regret everything I have done in the past. My wife is everything to me, and now my fear of living is a burden on her. I would never take my own life, but every day I wake is a burden on her. My physical and mental health is a burden on me, and her too. I can't see a way out of where I am now. I am slowing losing everything I have enjoyed during my life. 

James

[Croix]

Dear James~

I'm afraid you have fallen into a trap, I fell in the same one when invalided out of my career and depended on my wife. I believed how I was right then, and the decisions I'd made in the past where an impossible problem.   There is no denying it was a pretty long hard time for her, and I was no help believing everything was my fault. I too thought she would be better off without me.

Later on looking back I told her of this belief, and she was devastated, she asked me what I expected she could do without me. She said I was a major part of her live, she loved me and most importantly wanted to be with me and help me.

I'm not saying our experiences are identical but similar. There are things you can do to make her life easier, and as an intelligent person (your writing here shows that) I'm sure you can put your mind to that. If she has to do a lot of physical caring for you then get her some help, if she has to grieve because you are sad be more cheerful, watch shows together ... lots of things are within your power.

I understand the gravity of your position however I believe you are selling both your wife and yourself short.

Croix

[LC80]

Croix,

         I have had a mental health assessment with my GP, with my wife along side for support. I broke down during the appointment, and the results of the assessment is pretty damming. I was referred for a clinical phycology video session, but the first appointment available was on the 27/10/26 and that is after my next scheduled procedure at a big hospital. In the mean time I self referred to our local hospital mental health unit and I am seeing them tomorrow, 8/10/26. We spoke on the phone for quite a time today and the initial thoughts are that I have 60 years of built up trauma that has never been fully treated and I have now had a breakdown. I am frightened about seeking treatment, but I can't go on the way I am. I think all I can do is trust the people who want to help me with my mental health, the same as I do with the doctors who are looking after my physical health. 

James

[Croix]

Dear James~

Consultations over mental health can be most upsetting, and if you broke down it would be nothing unusual. I'm very glad your wife was with you, facing that initial consultation alone would have been very hard. I guess you are right to allow trust of mental health professionals, the only thing I've found is not all were a good fit, and it was only after a few swaps I found one who I could trust, and that helped the therapy immensely.

To ease your worries instead of thinking that pent up 50 years is going to be like a dam bursting disaster, more like introducing a spillway to reduce pressure and going from there.

By now you will have seen that local therapist, I hope things went well.

It pays to remember two things, the first is you are the expert on yourself and secondly you are in charge and can make decisions about treatment as needed. That's not to say you give up too quickly, but please be frank with the therapist, say how you are reacting,  and get them to explain what they are trying to do and their plan.

Croix