Will it ever get better?

Blue_Collar · ‎22-10-2013

Hello,

I am new to these forums, sorry if this topic is not interesting. I just need to vent.

I was diagnosed with depression over a decade ago. Back then I went to my family to hopefully talk to, they didn't agree with the diagnosis and convinced me to go off the medication that my GP had put me on. For years afterwards I dealt with it alone, believing that I was just overreacting to a bad day when I felt completely useless and worthless.

I was extremely lucky to find someone to support me when he can. I appreciate that he is willing to support me any way he can, but he doesn't understand fully the feelings of blackness I experience. There are aspects of our future that have become problems for me to deal with also. I see friends and family around me getting married and having children. While I am engaged, there are no plans for a wedding in the near future (even though we have been engaged for 5 years). I would also love to be a mother one day. I am nearing 30 years old, I know this becomes harder the older you get. My fiancée told me recently that he doesn't want to have children. This has hit me hard. We have been together for 11 years, I love him and don't want to lose him, so I have agreed to put it on the back-burner for now but I know I am running out of time.

My mood swings and depression have been having negative effects on our relationship. He does his best to help me, but I can see that he can't take much more of my problems either.

I tried a couple of years ago to go to my family again for support. One of my sisters responded with "Stop crying, you are being silly" and proceeded to change the subject. The others I tried talking to seemed completely oblivious to what I was saying. I understand that people don't know how to deal with this type of situation, but that left me with no-one else to talk to. I am not overly close with my friends, this is not something I would be willing to talk about with them.

I went on medication again last year, I thought it was starting to help but people around me started to say that I was just a zombie. No real reaction to anything. It was also effecting my health in a very negative way. I struggle to lose weight at the best of times. While on the medication I put on 15kg. I went off the medication a few months ago and the weight is slowly starting to come off again. Even with this bit of good news, happiness doesn't come easy for me.

Onto the job front. I lost my job due to "company changes" almost two years ago. No matter how hard I try and how many applications I put in, I can't find a new job. This doesn't help my self hatred. I have always had an excellent work ethic. When I am working, I can't stand leaving work undone, or sitting around doing nothing. Yet not one person is willing to even give me the smallest of jobs. I don't want a huge pay cheque and I am not looking to get promotions and the like. I just want to feel like I am contributing to our household again. I feel useless.

I know that my life has no big issues, and I don't really have any reason to complain. I just feel like everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared for good. Does depression ever go away? I hate feeling like this and I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting this.

Sorry for rambling. Like I said, I needed to vent.

vip · ‎23-10-2013

Hi Blue Collar i have found with my depression family are the worst they dont get it please speak to a gp or a psch ect you obviously still suffer with dpression and may need medication. Totally get you i put on 20kgs with my medication after 22 yrs finally off them and losing weight is slow but i did join a gym and im getting there. But ignore the weight gain get your mental health on track first and seek help with the professionals. Your boyfriend not wanting children thats a hard one unfortunately you have to consider if this is the person you want to remain with? He has been honest enough to let you know what he wants but in this relationship you have a voice too so you must do what makes you happy and you dont want to live with any regret here. Maybe you need some couples therapy here to tackle this issue im not sure. I know i was never keen on having children and my husband was so we have 1 chiil and he is 7 and he is the best thing that has happened to me so i did change my mind somewhere in the marriage and gave in . Although we did rule out no more children because my son has been diagnosed with mild autism but he is high functioning so i have to be grateful for that. Nobody around you will be better off if you disappeared that is the depression talking so please seek the help asap. Goodluck and take care.

geoff · ‎24-10-2013

dear Blue_Collar, whow I can see so much lack of self esteem in your post ' sorry if this topic is not interesting' and 'Sorry for rambling', plus there are other comments you make in your letter.

If your doctor decided that you should be taking medication, then only you and she/him know the full extent of where you sit with your depression, your family doesn't have a clue, and just like what your sister said to you, so it's your decision and not theirs to make.

As Nes has said to ignore 'the weight gain' and get your depression under control first, I do realise that you hate the weight going on, but it's a choose between being depressed and losing weight or taking the medication and try to control your weight.

Once you feel better then it will be a challenge to lose the kilos.

Being a zombie will change as the medication adapts to your system, as it's a new drug that your body has to cope with, it will eventually wear off.

I can see some underlying concerns with your boyfriend at the moment, which would really need to be sorted out before any wedding, and these are, his tolerance for your depression, having children and I'm not sure, but is he complaining about your weight gain and that's why you want to lose it. L Geoff. x

Blue_Collar · ‎24-10-2013

Thank you both for replying. It is nice to know that someone is actually willing to discuss this.

I have seen a couple of professionals (both medical and psych wise) in regards to this. None of them really seem to have the same opinion or offer any sort of lasting help.

Unfortunately I can't ignore the weight gain. It is not my fiancée that has a problem with it. It is my doctor that has said I need to loose weight. It is a bit of a catch-22. I am either more stable mentally but very overweight, or at a healthier weight but less stable. At this point I am hoping that being at a healthier weight will help my mental state as a side effect. I have had a full lifestyle change and it seems to be starting to pay off, but only time will tell. My fiancée has been very helpful with the change, he himself has lost over 40 kg doing the same thing. My genes just don't seem to want to let me work quite as fast.

As with my family, I have come to realise I can't really count on them to help me. It just hurts that they don't even make an effort to understand.

Thanks again for your replies. Have a good weekend.

The_Real_David_Charles · ‎24-10-2013

Dear Geoff,

Good response Geoff, mf. The topic of being overweight or mentally OK seems to be a constant worry. It's almost like the understanding is that when you are overweight you can't be at your mental peak. But then, without acceptance of both it would be very hard to move on.

They use Big models now so maybe this weight anxiety will lessen in time.

Adios,David.

geoff · ‎25-10-2013

dear Blue_Collar, that's good, but can I just say to you is just take it easy, because if we expect to lose multiple kgs overnight and it doesn't happen then we become dejected, and this then worsens our depression. Geoff.