Where do I begin

[Joya]

I feel so alone, I feel so ugly, I read so many help books on how to love yourself but I can't seem to find the right solution. I'm 38 years old and I've been in recovery for almost 18 months now and I'm very proud of myself. But,  without the mask of drugs and alcohol, I really don't know myself. I don't have any friends because I'm so anti social, my social skills suck because I'm not comfortable talking to people sober. I really want to enjoy my new life but it seems all do is get angry or cry all the time. I was recently dropped from my insurance so my depression is at an all time high, all I think about is what's wrong with me and my life. I'm sure this isn't the way I should be living.... I'm just so sad all the time.... thanks for listening. 

[white knight]

Hi Joya, welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

This might seem odd to you but my sadness is my saviour.  20 years ago after a lif of sadness (I was 38 then) I put my sadness down in writing. I became a poet. All my sadness went into it. It was only when sad I could write them and my cycle was 10 days of sadness/depression every 8 weeks.

It was discovered in 2009 I had dysthymia among depression and bipolar 2. So I'm wondering if you have dysthymia but that is for the pro's to figure out.

The main message I'm giving here is that you could try to find ways to embrace this sadness.  eg google "famous people with depression" and you'll see the many people over decades that are intelligent, humourous, creative etc that have it. And they capitalised on it.

Sometimes accepting yourself is the biggest struggle in life for some.  And others can bring you down to. My ex wife was so abusive and hurtful that once we parted after 11 years I ahd to physically look in the mirror and tell myself i am a good man and deserve a good woman. I was and I got one. We are happy etc

You have been so honest here in your post except the bit about being "ugly". I dont believe that. We humans come in all shapes and sizes and it is society that has painted this picture of the ideal person, the beautiful person, the "hunk" etc. The right person is there in this world for you and you can find them.

Dont be so hard on yourself. You are still recovering. You've done so well with yourself.  Give yourself time. It will all work out.

So glad you posted here.  take care.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Joya, 

Thank you for your post. White Knight is always a hard act to follow but here goes. 

We all read so many posts about each other on here and we always read the self deprecating comments people make about themselves. When we read them, or at least when I read them, I think, that person can't be that bad, or ugly, or worthless, or {insert your own negative adjective}. Then I wonder why we can think that about everyone else except ourself! 

You, my dear Joya, are not ugly. I don't know if you are in therapy now but it seems that some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) might be very helpful to you in “seeing” who you are. You can be assured that the people on here are not judgemental and, without exception, supportive. If you want to post more to help us understand your situation (and are comfortable doing that) I know I would not be alone in wanting to learn more about you. In the meanwhile, try to be nice to yourself. You must be so proud of yourself for being eighteen months into your recovery. (I wish I could honestly say that!) 

Please keep posting. 

Kind regards, John.

[Joya]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will definitely ask my doctor about the "d" word that you suggested. I'm sorry I don't recall the correct spelling. I haven't been to the psychiatrist in over 3 months now because my insurance was cancelled , but I have new insurance and I plan to see a new psychiatrist soon. I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar in 2010. That is amazing that you noticed that you had 10 day cycle of depression, I noticed that my cycles happen every month about 2 weeks at time. I feel like l let people down around me because I'm not able to speak to them when I'm depressed and I feel like a fraud when the good feelings reappear.  I hope that something good comes from this experience because I'm tired of being sad.

[Joya]

Thank you John for your reply to my post! I'm trying to find some light in this dark tunnel I won't give up, but the pity party is becoming repetitious cycle that I am tired of battling. I guess you sound cliche to just want to be happy but honestly thats all I want