When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

[Elizabeth CP]

I was doing well for a while. After motivating sessions with psychologist & psychiatrist and life stresses easing somewhat I set some goals and started working towards them. I kept a daily record of how I was going with each of the different goals and this proved helpful by focusing on what I had achieved rather than what I hadn't done. I had a couple of bad nights sleep one due to my husband being unwell but still kept myself going. Unfortunately I remained tired and was unable to sleep in to catch up.  My problem now is that I am in the middle of a project at home which is taking longer than expected partly because pushing myself to work when tired has led to mistakes and inefficiency. 

I either push myself as I did last night and then when I stop I can't relax which then stops me sleeping creating ongoing problems or I give in and rest but then I keep noticing all the stuff needing doing so can't get the rest I needed. I have  had long term problems with pushing myself too hard and not caring for myself. If I am not being productive I feel worthless which makes my depression worse but fatigue is also a huge trigger for depression. This pushing myself has been a pattern since a traumatic event as a child which left me feeling guilty for doing nothing to help so feeling useless is a trigger for very negative self talk.

Does anyone else have problems balancing being motivated & productive & carrying out more relaxing activities / self care to remain well

[white knight]

Hi Mary,

You really are someone special Mary. I feel your heart in your words.

Dear Elizabeth. There have been few times here that I'm at a loss for words. Your life has been a struggle over and over. Now with hubby and his restrictions you keep battling on and on. For that reason alone I'm glad you have found BB forum and you seem comfortable here. This diverse community will stumble onto some answers for you and you can sift through them.

What I do know is that there is a risk that eventually you'll collapse in a heap if you don't get help. The best thing I've heard you say to day is to ask your psych to get to the root of the problem rather than fixing current issues. That is not only common sense its an intelligent assessment of your own needs. Sometimes the best help that can come along is your own decision making based on your growing knowledge from others including this site.

Pats on the back can help and you have a big one from me. I'm in total admiration for your efforts.

I hope you find answers here.

Regards Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Tony for your encouraging reply and to everyone else who has tried to help. 

I thought some more about Paul's analogy re ripples in the pond & decided to adapt it in the hope it will help me clarify what is happening & therefore make it easier to explain to my psych so I can get better targeted help. Rather than a pond I am in a sea & storms are the events creating the waves. I use the waves to reach
shore (my goal). I can get tossed about & seasick but the effort makes me stronger The wave of feeling 'not good enough by peers' caused by bullying became larger after the fire due to guilt feelings because I didn't do anything useful. I rode this wave to help me to achieve my goals -academic, helping others etc. The wave helped me get where I wanted to go so it became a positive force in my life. Similarly having little money due to the fire & my parent's health created another wave which I used as a positive force to learn to go without & save to get what I really wanted/needed.  
Unfortunately life doesn't remain still & earthquakes erupt changing the face of the land & changing the waves. These included my husbands illness & other challenges. I'm still riding the same waves but now I've been battered a lot & rather than gliding onto shore the waves toss me onto the rocks. I made the goal but the price is too high. What I need is to climb the path up to a nice spot away from the storm to recuperate before heading off again but I can't find the path so I give up & head back to sea to the next goal but never really being satisfied. Rather than the effort making me stronger it is making my exhausted & bruised & battered. What I need to do is find a way to rest & take time to identify what is important. Working hard is fine but becomes pointless if I don't get to enjoy the fruits of my labour. Being careful with money is OK if it allows me to afford things which are
important but if it stops me from getting things which might be beneficial it is bad.
I hope this makes sense
I welcome any comments which may help me sort out my thoughts. 

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth

You mentioned the "ripples". Metaphors are good help.

Join that one with with this post- (google) "Topic: depression- a ship on the high seas- beyondblue"

For me there are questions in my life that can surprisingly be answered with one comment. It's weird. But a Dr told me once, if your emotional life has been delayed in maturing then playing catch up can do that where a comment can make a lot of sense and fit like the missing link in  a jigsaw puzzle. Streetwisdom is the one I had delay in. Don't know why. I don't think its due to my mothers chronic BPD. But even with 40 years of working in careers like RAAF, prison officer and PI, I was still naïve. Once I was on a job with another PI. We were following two men suspected of stealing items from their employer and these two guys met up with several others throughout the day. At the end of the day I made a comment to my workmate that "gee, they met up with a lot of guys eh"....to which he replied "didn't you realise they were selling drugs". Der!!! It never occurred to me.

Other advancements might take more time and concentration. Your strategy to gather snippets of info to take to your psych is a good one. Otherwise it can be a wasted visit.

In life some are dealt a cruel hand with no fault of their own. My parents used to always say that. Their first son was a diabetic from birth. At 2yo his type 1 diabetes became clear. Them days 1954 diabetes was much less known to the Dr's and treated much more seriously. Add to that my panicking mum and you had a powderkeg of a home. As I became an adult however I realised that our family wasn't so different than normal in many ways and that there were many that were worse off. Eventually I told my mother "I'm living in a unit now mum and my new neighbours next door have come from Qld to start afresh...they lost 4 members of their family in a car accident."

I mentioned that only in terms of - that life throws things at us without warning and we cant everytime adapt so quickly. In your case you are working your butt off and financial restriction adds to the mix. Advance seems slow. In fact money woes can easily and regularly trigger depression. We can spend little but on the odd occasion we need that little fix, be it a lunch, a gift or even gifts for others. Without it we feel we are only existing. Money indeed makes the world go round,unfortunately.

My only remedy to lack of money is finding more enjoyment with less cash.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Tony. You are right in that life is not always fair with many challenges which are no-ones fault The challenge is being able to adapt. when I was younger we had a number of challenges but it was easier to adapt. Over the last few years my ability to cope with even minor challenges seems to be compromised. Stress, depression & fatigue combining to make everything harder. After seeing my psych I have come up with a strategy  to try & break the cycle. Will write a list of activities that may give me a break & then just try each for an hour at a time when I'm alone. Hopefully this with give me a chance to find out what helps & what doesn't 

Will then have a more in depth discussion re my lack of self worth & purpose to help break the cycle of trying to be productive & becoming exhausted & feeling worse

[white knight]

Sounds like a good plan Elizabeth.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hi Elisabeth

Mary was spot on with not doing A...because of B C D...you are trying very hard...and also the small steps..

I am the same with 'Love Myself' I know what it means..I just dont use those words (and yes maybe I should) I replace them with something much simpler and easier..I am 'kind' to myself

'Not being able to change yourself'...Good...dont. You can self improve and 'let go' of 'hanging on so tight'

You cant please all of the people all of the time...but pleasing yourself is a 'gentle' starting point

We are similar to a car engine....It feels good to be running slower now and again...no need to rev so high

Ive read Tony's, Mary's and Pauls comments....some excellent help for me there too...thankyou 🙂

Be Kind to Yourself Elizabeth....you deserve it (Great Topic 2)

Paul

[white knight]

See Elizabeth, this is what I meant. Pauls' comment that he is being kind to himself rather than loving himself has struck a cord with me...just what we all have been saying about phrases or comments that - strike a chord.

For years I've tried to love myself - as people tell me I should as my lack of confidence has been telling. I simply cant do that, there is too many things about me that I'll never love- particularly my thinking processes. But I can be kind to myself. I could for example be kind to myself by not focussing on the things I don't like about myself. Now that makes complete sense to me. Why punish ourselves by constantly not liking parts of ourselves.? Be kind by stopping your own torment. These phrases make so much sense to me I make advancement and that makes me happy.

I have a friend that cant get motivated. He is feeling burnout. He has worked double shift work for many years. I asked him what he needs the motivation to do. His answer- to build another carport for another vintage car he just purchased..he now has 5 in total. He wouldn't sell any of the other cars. So I asked him if he should purchase a tarpaulin for this new arrival.  Funny as it turned out, he hadn't thought of that answer at all. He could then wait until his motivation returned rather than feel desperate in forcing it upon himself.

Sometimes the obvious escapes us. I don't know if this helps at all Elizabeth. It just works for me to bounce things off others. Hope your day is a good one.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Paul & Tony, 

I know I need to take time to recuperate as feeling exhausted physically & mentally is no good for me or anyone else. I remember when I was young and in 1st year uni I went away often on weekends rockclimbing (until I fell down a cliff saved by the rope but lost interest after that!!!) or did other activities with other groups of people. I ended up with very high results & had a great time. The following year I got behind & stayed home on weekends & spiralled downhill. Still passed but struggled to get that balance right. I realized that for me to be effective I needed down time to have a complete break and that then allowed me to be really productive. I share this because it shows how important balancing my life is to enable me to be effective. Unfortunately knowing this doesn't fix the problem when you are caught up with competing demands & have forgotten what you enjoy or the things I used to enjoy are no longer appropriate. Hopefully my plan of trying things off a list when time permits will help. Maybe my goal is to just take a few hours on Friday afternoon when nothing is scheduled & just experiment with a couple of more restful activities. 

[blondguy]

Hey Elizabeth

I just read your last sentence....and I noticed the word 'restful'...

I cant respond to the word 'relax' (but thats just me of course) probably because to me it doesnt mean anything...after many years of people that mean very well but telling me to 'relax' I find it somewhat meaningless.

Thankyou Tony for articulating so well what I was 'fumbling' with.....I dont Love my own thought processes too but I am slowly getting used to be 'kind' and 'gentle' to myself...

Sorry Elizabeth to interrupt your topic. I also have to thankyou for suggesting the best header to create a new thread about Pixi. I will be taking your advice 🙂

I do also find there are many things I used to enjoy that I miss doing...a lot. I have no choice on this now though Elizabeth. I have to do the best I can on a day to day basis. I have difficulty with plans or goals anymore. They are great to have of course but I cant climb a skyscraper when I am only attempting to reach the second floor.

Right now the 2nd floor is all I interested in....anything else higher up is not relevant to my recovery

Paul