When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

[Elizabeth CP]

I was doing well for a while. After motivating sessions with psychologist & psychiatrist and life stresses easing somewhat I set some goals and started working towards them. I kept a daily record of how I was going with each of the different goals and this proved helpful by focusing on what I had achieved rather than what I hadn't done. I had a couple of bad nights sleep one due to my husband being unwell but still kept myself going. Unfortunately I remained tired and was unable to sleep in to catch up.  My problem now is that I am in the middle of a project at home which is taking longer than expected partly because pushing myself to work when tired has led to mistakes and inefficiency. 

I either push myself as I did last night and then when I stop I can't relax which then stops me sleeping creating ongoing problems or I give in and rest but then I keep noticing all the stuff needing doing so can't get the rest I needed. I have  had long term problems with pushing myself too hard and not caring for myself. If I am not being productive I feel worthless which makes my depression worse but fatigue is also a huge trigger for depression. This pushing myself has been a pattern since a traumatic event as a child which left me feeling guilty for doing nothing to help so feeling useless is a trigger for very negative self talk.

Does anyone else have problems balancing being motivated & productive & carrying out more relaxing activities / self care to remain well

[Bluey_moon]

Elizabeth, 

I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of advice! 

But I want you to know, you are important and wonderful! 

Take the time if you can to rest! Recharge! The things to do will wait! 

Love and hugs, 

skye

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth,

After reading and replying to your other thread I'm starting to get a grip on your situation.

Yes, like the others I was similar to you say, 20-30 years ago. Medication and in my case aging along with changing circumstances led to a more relaxed and planned daily routine.

But in my case my therapist in the late 1980's could sometimes say one sentence that hit the nail on the head and the answer to my problems was so clear. One day I attended his office and chatted and he recognised my habit of running ragged doing chores and tasks. He said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world".

It's just a thought I have for you. I think this forum will be very good for you as you slowly find answers to your queries.

The above replies are good examples. These contributors throw ideas at you and one might just be the one comment that makes so much sense. Hope it works for you.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you for your replies. Pipsy, Your analogy of the boxes is correct. When stressed I can be illogical trying to do multiple things as one thing doesn't work after another in the hope of succeeding in something. Tony I can't remember how many times I've been told to learn to say 'no' to allow time to recover and cope with the essential things. 

One issue for me is grief for the loss of the life I thought I would have by now. I used to enjoy going out with my kids including camping and exploring different places and enabling them to have different experiences. I enjoyed seeing them enjoy themselves, learning new things and reaching their own goals. One delivered pamphlets for years to pay for the flying lessons he wanted. I enjoyed helping people so I did volunteer work " school helping students struggling with maths and also did private tutoring. As a teenager I planned to look after my parents when required as mum was becoming disabled and dad had a chronic illness. I enjoyed activities were I felt I was helping others. Maybe this was to compensate for negative feelings of self worth but it gave me lots of satisfaction.

After mum died and my kids were older I retrained as a health professional were I could use the empathy I gained as a carer. It is very satisfying to know you are helping others but now I don't have that because I can't cope with work & caring for my husband. 

I thought by this time of life we would be able to still enjoy camping travelling hiking etc but now it is so much harder because my husband can't see so he can't help much. In the past I would do work in the house and garden and feel satisfied when projects were completed but now I can't get help from my husband particularly with the difficult tasks plus I am older & therefore not as fit which annoys me. It sometimes feels like there is nothing to look forward to. 

Attempts to do things I used to enjoy have failed. I was given a free ticket to a movie last year but couldn't wait for it to finish as I was tired and the movie (which most people loved) reminded me of how bad people have been treated in the past & made me really upset. A holiday was a disaster as I spent most of the time looking after my husband who became very ill.  

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

I hope it is helping you to better understand how you are feeling through reading other posts here, and by sharing more of your life and experiences.

As Tony mentioned, we are all here to help each other and we will never know what our comments might mean to someone else. By sharing, you may make someone else more aware of their own needs and how they can help themselves or even someone else.

Never think that any one else's problems are worse than your own. We can never walk in someone else's footsteps, no one will ever know how I am truly feeling about something, and the same with you.

Each one of us experiences things our own way.

When I require a blood test, I need to lie down so I don't faint and fall to the floor. Other people are willing to give blood donations! I don't cope with having blood taken. Who is to say that anyone would cope better or worse than you are coping right now if they were in your shoes?

Our life experiences shape and mould us. You have experienced some terrible events and have had a lot of caring to do! As a fellow person who was bullied at school, I know it is not always easy to feel secure and self confident after experiences like that.

Bushfires can be traumatic events also. I am now involved in the Country Fire Service. Even with trucks and all the equipment, fire fighters are not able to put out fires. As a 10 year old, you did as much as any 10 year old could have done. Hindsight, maturity, thoughts of What If can make you feel inadequate.

I have discovered I need to let go of regrets and what ifs. It isn't easy, but it is worth the fight!

Cheers from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Dools, 

Just to clarify I have never felt I could have done anything to fight the fire. If mum could do it with her huge effort my effort as a 10 year old what not have changed anything. My regrets were more about not thinking to collect photos & some of the small precious things family members had made & couldn't be replaced. It is easy to say I need to stop the regrets but not so easy to change a lifetime of trying to make up for it by trying to be helpful

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth,

To anyone who says "you need to stop..." I say "How? Can you give me a practical solution to stop these things, isn't it like being told to stop smiling sometimes?" The more we think about the act of not smiling the more the impulse is to smile. Unconscious minds are like kids!

I wonder how you make peace with the regret. Instead of pushing it away, letting it in and breaking it down to see where the expectations that you would have done the things you were "supposed to do" come from.

I know I have over simplified the mechanics of a situation however sometimes I find it helps to dive in and trace back (as I call it) to try and uncover the layers so I can understand then make peace with the bottom layer.

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Paul, Thank you for you post. I agree. I have put up my own thread re looking a

@ +ves arising after a traumatic situation in the hope by writing something each day will help to change my focus over time. It won't stop the negatives but maybe leave less time for the negative thoughts to take over. 

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth,

Your thread about positives arising from the negatives we feel is awesome, as you know I've used it and I'll be using it more too.

The difficulties you have faced have got you to this point where you look at the positives and write to them in a thankful way have helped me and likely others because we can use that method too! This in itself is another positive and I'm really grateful for that positive being shared with me.

Thank you.

Paul

[blondguy]

Dear Elizabeth

I am fortunate not to have gone through the Trauma you have experienced..

I understand that Mrs Dools is being supportive and very caring. Just a humble note from me Elizabeth if I may..

Regrets...I wouldnt fight them at all....Doing so only burns up precious mental energy....Same as people that 'fight' anxiety....doesnt work.

Acceptance of the regrets...they are  'thoughts'  sure awful ones but still only thoughts..

Be kind to yourself Elizabeth (Hug) if thats okay

Thinking of you

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Paul, 

I don't know what is wrong with me I need to get to a point where I am doing things because I want to rather than forcing myself because I should. I am tired because I haven't been sleeping well & then had to get up early to get my husband organised & drop him off. Went to a carers expo but felt worse afterwards because the help available doesn't fit our needs. I know I should'' relax this afternoon but finding it hard I can't do nothing. I am too tired to do anything physical & the jobs sitting there like sorting out papers in the study I can't get motivated. If I could have gone to my friends it would have taken my mind off things but that was postponed. 

Sorry I feel guilty for complaining. I wish I knew how to relax when I feel like this