When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

[Elizabeth CP]

I was doing well for a while. After motivating sessions with psychologist & psychiatrist and life stresses easing somewhat I set some goals and started working towards them. I kept a daily record of how I was going with each of the different goals and this proved helpful by focusing on what I had achieved rather than what I hadn't done. I had a couple of bad nights sleep one due to my husband being unwell but still kept myself going. Unfortunately I remained tired and was unable to sleep in to catch up.  My problem now is that I am in the middle of a project at home which is taking longer than expected partly because pushing myself to work when tired has led to mistakes and inefficiency. 

I either push myself as I did last night and then when I stop I can't relax which then stops me sleeping creating ongoing problems or I give in and rest but then I keep noticing all the stuff needing doing so can't get the rest I needed. I have  had long term problems with pushing myself too hard and not caring for myself. If I am not being productive I feel worthless which makes my depression worse but fatigue is also a huge trigger for depression. This pushing myself has been a pattern since a traumatic event as a child which left me feeling guilty for doing nothing to help so feeling useless is a trigger for very negative self talk.

Does anyone else have problems balancing being motivated & productive & carrying out more relaxing activities / self care to remain well

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

You are human...there is nothing wrong with you. Complaining? You never have Elizabeth...You vent...and thats smart...

Too tired to do anything physical..the jobs...paperwork etc. Don't do it....there is always later....I also havehad difficulty relaxing so now I never use the Relax word for many years....It asks for too much. I just gently strive for some calm...or a 'little peace'.....but everyone has their own way they cope

Kind wishes to you and your husband Elizabeth x

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth,

I wonder if this all has something to do with a pattern that has formed where if you don't do something your mind automatically and very unconsciously equates that with the traumatic experience you went through. If you stay busy now, then you can't kick yourself for not doing anything and you won't feel guilty. The pattern that may have been established is; inaction led to losing important things which still hurts, so keeping busy and doing a lot will prevent that from happening again.

What are your thoughts Elizabeth?

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

My thoughts are that I wish you could supply the magic wand or potion to overcome the problem. Maybe I should ask my grandson as he often makes magic potions (usually to turn his brother into a frog. I think you are right. There is no conscious connection with the trauma but the pattern of behaviour is there and well cemented in over 50 years.  "If you stay busy now, then you can't kick yourself for not doing anything and you won't feel guilty." is a perfect summary of the thinking pattern. It also helps the feelings of self worth. If I achieve something or do something worthwhile then I'm OK but if I don't I'm not. Last time I saw my psychiatrist he agreed this was the real crux of my problems and described it as like a mouse on a wheel and being unable to get off without feeling really bad. While bringing up my children & caring for my mother & now my husband I could go out & do fun things with them because this was for their benefit so I got pleasure from making them happy but really struggle to do anything on my own. Knowing I need to care for myself doesn't help. It just makes me feel like an idiot not being able to thik of things to do  

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for sharing more about your traumatic event.

I certainly don't want to minimalise your experience, your regrets or anything regarding your situation, but I have a little story to share with you all.

Three years ago my husband and I moved to the country. In those three years, this town has been threatened three times by major bushfires. I joined the local Country Fire Service to see what I could do to help out.

Late last year our town was under threat, thankfully the fire did not make it to us. I was up at the fire station helping out for 8 hours. My husband called to tell me he had the cat and one of his collections in the car and he was ready to take off.

I asked him if he had thought to pack himself any clothes, a toothbrush, to grab important documents, not to mention what about some of my stuff, the chooks, canaries and so on.

Like I said, thankfully the fire did not reach our town. My husband and the cat would have been okay at least!

Regrets, I hope you are able to find ways to let them go.

I know a little about regrets. I have been pregnant 5 times but have no live children. I dearly wanted to adopt or at least to foster children, but my husband did not. I spent a lot of time with other people's children over the years and have loved every minute of it. But the regret and the sense of loss is still there.

It is how I deal with those thoughts that makes all the difference to how I live now.

Cheers to you Elizabeth, from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Dools for your reply. I am trying to avoid comparing my situation with others because that only leads me to feel worse because others have gone through much worse situations. I couldn't join the CFA because I would fail. I can't treat burns patients because it makes me so sick & anxious which leads me to feel really worried about making it worse for the person. I have accepted this and try to do other things to contribute to society. I'm really sorry for your loss in not being able to have children and I admire the way you have dealt with it. I am slowly working on the negative feelings re the trauma & subsequent events. I am using one thread to post positive outcomes from the event as a way of moving forward & changing my focus. 

I know I can't change what happened & regrets don't help. At the moment I need to find things I can do when I'm on my own which are enjoyable/ relaxing  to help me get off the threadmill of trying to feel useful & ending up exhausted & then back into the black hole of depression. I need to learn to like myself so I can tolerate my own company 

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth,

The difficult part of all of this, as you mentioned after my previous post is that none if it is able to be reasoned with. How can one reason with something that isn't really conscious!

I asked my psychiatrist the same question phrased "So what the hell do I do!". His reply was "just be conscious of that pattern. He explained it like someone throwing a pebble into a river. The traumatic even is the moment the pebble hit the water and the effect on our thoughts and feelings are like the ripples that are created. So whenever I have moments where I find it difficult to do things or feel myself falling in a hole, I trace backwards to explain the difficulty so I'm conscious of it and that makes it a little easier to know what to do next. Things have become clearer for me in that I'm able to see the ripples and know that, for example, I find it difficult to be assertive with authority figures because of my traumatic event.

Being able to visualise like this has also helped me make peace with what happened to me and also helps with some reasoning and short circuiting some emotions now. For example; I was 4, how could it have been my fault! That ripple compels me to make sure I please people so that I am not left again, because last time it was my fault, so unless I'm liked, I'll be left. The pattern even makes me act as if I am that age again and the same situation will happen.

So I think by really knowing the ripples it helps explain, which helps unconsciously understand then emotionally things become easier because of the understanding and that the ripples come to the surface and smooth out.

My short explanation from my own experience has likely made this sound so easy. I know it isn't and it takes time and a bit of work.

Finally - one of those ripples seems to be the feeling like you don't deserve your own nurturing and love. You said "I need to learn to like myself so I can tolerate my own company". As you know, self talk is really really important. Would it be easier to say to yourself "I'd like to understand more about myself so I can care more and be more comfortable with myself"

Brains are like kids! Tell them "you need to learn not to touch ...", they do the opposite. A gentle "I'd like you to look at that only please" gets a better result. Same with us unconsciously. "I need to do xyz" translates unconsciously to "xyz just became harder to do now because I'm your unconscious mind and I don't like being forced!"

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Your example of the ripples makes perfect sense. The other issue is there isn't just one stone in the pond. Subsequent events cause new ripples which interact making a complicated pattern. I think I need to sit down with my psych & come up with a plan to work on the problems to work on the root of the problem rather than just getting through individual crisis. I guess the top priority is learning to do things for myself on my own until I actually feel comfortable doing this.

[White_Rose]

I have just written on your other thread and said I would not write here as there are many people giving you amazing help. But the best laid plans of mice and men etc.

Many stones and many ripples are just too many to keep track of all at the same time. No wonder you are exhausted. While you are working with your psych stop trying to solve all your other problems at the same time. If I can suggest, take one problem, preferably a small one to start with, and work on that. Ignore the others. Their turn will come. When the other things start to clamour for attention tell your brain you can only manage one thing at a time. Put your energies into that one problem and get it out of the way.

You have answered all the posts above in a similar manner by saying you cannot do A because of B, C, D, etc. and getting nowhere. As Tony commented, "When are you going to stop saving the world?" One step at a time, one job at a time, one problem solved at a time.

And as a psych once said to me, "Love yourself, you are worth it."

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry if I sound like I'm making excuses for not changing. I am not trying to save the world I am just trying to keep myself going. I don't know why I have gone down like I have. I wish I knew how to 'love myself' This would make it much easier.