When all I can do is cry

[kath1]

And that's been me for the last 5 years. Tonight has been a little over 4 hours of crying. Mostly whilst sitting on my shower floor.

My story is a long one.More recently though the past year has finally caught up with me. 2015 , January I took my nephews to the safety of their nans house after their mother had lost her temper after numerous times and had the boys screaming and running for help. I got a phone call from one of my nephews who was 12 and begging for help. This night was a night i will never forget as i never knew the extent of the emotional and physical abuse occuring. What i did that night was for my nephews and their safety  what resulted was my whole family gunning for my blood.  I had turned on blood in their eyes and that was that. The following months would be consumed by their hatred towards me. The police even taking an avo out on my own mother because of her outburst towards me in public that would leave me so very shaken for months. Even to this day i am petrified to go anywhere incase i run into any of them. It felt like 40 of them against me. Vulgar threats and outbursts and public slandering has left me so hurt and broken but i fought everyday to hold my head high.  Family court decided that my nephews were better off with their dad. A decision i was happy with. This did not and still has not given me peace from them. The most heartbreaking thing was my pop. The one man i loved and cared for was turned against me and i have spent the last year worrying over his health and if i will ever get the chance to say i love you to him ever again. A long with this happening I also resigned from a mangers postion due to the fact i was shaking everytime I worked and was consumed with fear.

My boss at the time was not understanding and tried to demote me to eliminate my problem I guess.  The last tiny bit of confidence i had he took in one meeting that lasted 25mins max.

I have 4 boys who i need to remain strong for. They rarely see my tears or my struggle. 

 It has been 6 months since i quit. And i am 4 months into my counselling diploma. 

I am trying to remain strong. But tonight after finding out yet again someone is talking about me and needing to defend who i am.. i crumbled.... and this time hard

I am so scared of the overwhelming feeling to just give up. I don't know how to get the right help . I don't know where to even start. It is all just so overwhelming.am defeated. Exhausted and so very confused . And most of all scared. 

[geoff]

dear Kath, what has happened as a result of what your nephew did by ringing you for help is very admirable by you, and
there was nothing else you could have done, certainly not leave them with their mother who was obviously uncontrollable,
but also for the safety of these children.
It's unclear whether their mother is either depressed, drinking to much alcohol or taking substance abuse which has caused 
her to have these outfits, but it's certainly not a place where these children should stay.
It also worries me about what your own mother and perhaps what she also could be taking if this is so, and sorry to even
mention that, but she doesn't seem to be able get a grip on all the circumstances, but for the police to take out an AVO
on her, does seem as though there is a problem here.
Your nephews are going to be with their dad, and maybe this should have happened in the first place, but courts these 
days are so stale and not becoming or knowledgeable in knowing the true facts from realising that what has been said is
not the truth.
Can I just say that by having all these different circumstances happen with you, will be a great background for when
you do become a counsellor, because you know exactly what can happen.
Are you still able to see your nephews, I know that you have 4 children yourself, and that's why a nephew rang you,
knowing that you would be able to accommodate them and help them out, so you have done the right thing, and instead of
getting all of this abuse, they should be congratulating and thanking you.
Your mother and sister need help, but that's what you know should happen, but it probably won't, never the less you need
to see your own doctor, and when I say this it's not meant be upset you, however as you're 4 months into your course,
there are other factors which you may not have come across in those 4 months, which means that you will probably
find talking to a psychologist very helpful.
You are not strong enough at the moment to face your family, so please stay away from them, and your psychologist will be
able to give you advice on how to cope with their abuse.
I really hope tto hear back from you. Geoff. x

[white knight]

Hi KathCarrol, welcome

My friend Geoff as always, hits the nail on the head.

I've been through a few crisis like yours that left me stranded and my family broken. I fought corruption on a small scale with an employer and lost the battle but got pats on the back by some but still lost my job. I've taken out a avo on my mother as she was going to ruin my wedding as she did at my first wedding and had to overcome the guilt of that (I still don't and wont see her and its been 6 years).

Following my first marriage breakdown I looked into the mirror every day for 5 minutes at a time and said these words "you are a good man and deserve happiness". My first wife had squashed all my confidence.

So too right!!! you did the right thing and your family, like a mob, have turned on you. Ever thought your family are not morally straight enough for you? Without arrogance there are some individuals that grow away from family for that reason, that you stood up for children and you did what you believe was best.

If you have to move house then do so, if you need to get a phone on silent number then do it, if you need to move far away then so be it. Do what you need to do and as Geoff said- hold your head up high.

A friend of mine once said however- "the trouble with moral crusaders like you /tony is that while you may well be correct in the actions you take....you end up losing your family". Questioned further as I was very interested, he said "well, if you do nothing you would also be condemned so the best course is somewhere in the middle".

He was likely right. But in your case no one can justify their onslaught of you because you had to make the call, you were the one there that needed to protect the children. And your actions were justified in the end as their father now has custody. Well done I say.

My point is however that society doesn't reward good people very often. There are examples in this great country- "the Paddington bear affair" , the colour TV affair" and many others whereby customs officers and others stand up for whats right and like me end up losing their job and their health.

Your best friend is time. Time will change things. Your life will change. In the end if you passed by an estranged member of your family they might even break the ice and say hello. Good. They might slander you....and you'll keep walking still proud as punch. There is a saying "evil flourishes while good men do nothing" and women....

Well done

Tony WK