What would you do if you were in my position?

[Guest_9466]

I am 59 years of age, a survivor of  anxiety and depression. Currently, I have hubby who was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Out of interest, does both conditions naturally go together?

Of course, now I find myself being the 'strong' one, trying to support him as best as I can. I thought I was his caretaker but a member here said that I shouldn't label myself as a caretaker. What is the definition of a caretaker, I wondered?

Early this morning, I received an email from my nephew who sadly informed me that my older sister is dying of cancer. So, now, I find myself in a pickle, what shall I do? What would you do if you were me?

[Doolhof]

Hi Morning Glory,

I am certainly no expert in any shape or form to give you proper information about all you are questioning. I can just share my experiences and offer advice.

I personally have suffered depression for decades but never suffered from anxiety and stress with depression until the last two years. That has happened to me due to changes in circumstances, including my husband loosing his job and his continuing ill health.

As regards to being your husband's caretaker, if you mean you are loving and caring for your husband, then I guess you are his caretaker, and using that title to me doesn't seem derogative at all.

If you are receiving a carer's allowance for assisting him, then I guess that might be classed as a label. To me it all depends how you yourself look at that word.

Regarding your sister, does she live very far away from you? Is your husband capable of looking after himself for a while if you go to see your sister? Is it possible for your husband to go into respite care while you are away? Can your Dr. advise you on this? I'm not sure where you live or what facilities are available in your area.

The least you can do is to phone your sister! Then try to work out if you can plan a way of being with her for a while. Does your nephew know your mental health issues? He may be able to suggest something for you both.

If I were you, I would start by phoning my sister and the nephew and find out what is happening there.

Hope this has been helpful.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[white knight]

Hi MG, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I dont believe anxiety and depression do go together.  I have both also and my anxiety has diminished almost entirely over 25 years and my depression I still have although its cycle has changed with correct medication.

My partner also suffers depression of a different sort. Essentially if one of us is down the other can support. But when we are both down we are in trouble. So we made rules covering that. eg If we find each other down we lean on the other only to find the other cannot help. Initially one feels anger etc so we both acknowledge this and back off, leave each other alone for a few hours and then chat about it. It works. Mutual respect is the key, not self centred focus.

Havent heard of the "caretaker" tag. carer is an accepted tag though and I dont mind it.

As for your sister I'm sorry she has cancer however nowadays the survival rate is much higher. So good luck and dig deep to support her.

[HA1]

Hi MG

Just to add to what mrs dools and WK has said, the term carer (as opposed to "caretaker"), has a specific meaning within the Mental Health Act.  I would need to refresh my memory to make sure my recollection is true, but to put simply, there are cases where the 'consumer' is released from hospital only if they have a nominated carer appointed.  If they did not, then the mental health facility could involuntarily commit you if they felt you were not safe.  A verylayman's   recollection and there might be holes in my explanation. 

The term 'career' also has the usual non-legal definition of someone who cares for  the ill because they 'care'.

K

[Guest_9466]

Hello all,

Thank you for your kind responses. 

Not sure why I used the label caretaker? I meant that I am his carer but we definitely did not claim any benefit from social security or Centrelink. Even though hubby is diagnosed with high levels of anxiety and depression, he is functioning, just. He said that his mental health is not affected by the job, just the workplace. 

We have discussed about visiting my sister but he would rather not as having seen his father in the terminal stage was depressing and he would rather not experience it again. Quite understandable really. Besides, it also meant arranging for a house sitter which can be overwhelming. He thinks he will be fine as long as he doesn't have to face work. 

I have been in touch with both my niece and nephew. It looks like it is the terminal stage. She was in intensive care for quite awhile but I was told that if I want to visit my sister, to make it sooner rather than later.

To complicate matters, my sister decided she didn't want to have anything to do with me because many years ago, unknown to me, I offended her. I did try to find out how I had offended her and also apologise for any offence caused. However, my sister being illogical and also suffering from depression and paranoia chose to ignore my apology. Perhaps it was the way I apologised but it was rather difficult to make a 'good' apology when I didn't know how I had offended her. Sorry, to be so long winded in my explanation. Quite honestly, it was a relief when she decided to distance herself and her family from all contact with me. No more dramas to deal with. No more having to listen to her tales of self sacrificing and how ungrateful were her children towards her. I think I deserved being nominated for sainthood after all the years of listening to her complaints. Such a relief to be able to unburden myself, so thank you for your sympathetic ears.

So, now I am faced with wondering if she would agree to see me, if I travel o/s to see her. Yes, it would be a rather lengthy journey, it would involved a plane trip and at least 8 hours journey. 

Having had time to think about it, I have more or less decided to go for a week. It is pure selfishness on my part as it would then be her decision whether she wants to 'kiss and make up'. This way, I won't live with regret. I won't even consider it a waste of time and money, even if she refuses to see me. I think I prefer that, to being subjected with more drama.

Thanks for listening.