What way is up?

[Bert22]

Some days I wouldn't have a clue. I've said to people close to me that I couldn't organise a fight at a boxing tournament!

This is my first post. I'm early 60's married 36 years,3 kids and 10 grandchildren. Yet, it's a struggle every day to find a reason to go on.But I do.The best thing I do is to let go and surrender things into God's hands. This what AA members do so my friends have told me.

Can someone tell me what I'm supposed to do about my wife who absolutely refuses to go to counselling with me and has even not turned up at only appointment which she made.She says we've been to counselling but that was 25 years ago.I need to be able to speak about what's causing me to be very depressed and can't. An argument is no good because I can't win it anyway.

Don't get me wrong I don't mean to blame her as I have enough in my early life which caused anxiety then and depression now I'm older.She is not the cause of my depression but certainly is a contributor to it being a lot worse.

What do I do? Leave and tear the family apart?

[SubduedBlues]

I wish I was in your shoes Bert, as it is sooooo much better than where I am today.

If I were, all I would need to do is forgive her and then life for me would be bearable once more.

[White_Rose]

Hello Bert

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. I hope we will be able to help and support you at this time.

I'm not sure what sort of counselling you are going to. Are you talking about marriage counselling or counselling for your depression?  Either way you could go on your own. I hope you have a counselor or psychologist that you feel comfortable with and you you can explore your own feelings and difficulties.

Not sure what your counselor suggests about your wife attending but initially it may be more beneficial to get your own thoughts in order. I tried to get my husband to go to marriage counseling with me but he refused on the grounds that he did not have a problem. Eventually we separated for a number of reasons and I have wondered if the situation would have been different if he had attended the counselling with me.

Ultimately it's really up to you to get out of counselling what you can. You are only responsible for your own thoughts and actions. If your wife declines to be part of the process, don't give up. Do the best you can.

Leaving or staying will always be your decision no matter what your wife does. Have you talked to her about the way you feel? I wonder if you are trying to solve two problems at the same time. If I have read your post correctly you have depression which you are trying to manage and recover from. You also have a marriage problem. Is this correct? They are two different things although one will definitely affect the other.

May I suggest you discuss this with your counselor? It may help to decide what is the priority and how both problems are interacting.

I hope this is useful to you. Looking forward to your reply.

Regards

LING

[white knight]

Hi Bert,

Your comment " What do I do? Leave and tear the family apart?"  Leaving might well tear your family apart but that is unavoidable and to stay for the 'family's sake' is...well not right.

I've left a family situation. My then first wife used silence as a weapon. No one could convince her to attend counselling. When someone says they wont attend as it isnt "their problem" (eg LING's post above) is irks me. They are implying that their spouse's issues arent their issues- thats not right.

LING is correct- please seek counselling yourself and see what occurs later down the track. it wont hurt. Good luck.

[hopless_amp_helpless]

Hi Bert 22,

To me it sounds like you feel your wife is not supporting you in your attempt to get help and I'm so sorry that she is refusing to go to counselling with you.

I too think that seeing a counsellor on your own would be most helpful in your current situation. That way you can be really open and honest about your feelings without worrying what your wife might say or think.

It may also help you delve deeper into the root cause of your depression quicker on your own.

I'm glad to hear you attend AA meetings and I wish you all the best with your continued sobriety!

You need to be around people who will help, not hinder your recovery. This is just my personal opinion but to me, it sounds like your wife is not willing to work on your marriage and if that is the case, do you really want to stay with her?

Are you close with your kids? How old are they? I'm sure they want their parents to both be happy and if you would be happier being divorced then do it...

I think it is worse if a couple stays in a bad relationship for the sake of the children, nobody is happy and nobody wins.

Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with your wife one on one, no counsellors and talk about how you feel. She may be feeling the same way.

Also consider that she just may not understand your depression and if there is a lack of communication between you, she may feel like you ARE blaming her for your depression.

I hope this has been helpful for you.

Take care ~ Kylz