What to say to my "helpful" friend? - feeling harrassed

[Lost_Girl]

I have major depression and have just had a visit from one of my closest friends after avoiding everyone for some time.  She has started sending me messages every songle day asking if I have showered, if I have gone outside in the sun for at least 5 minutes because you know vitamin d is good, did I eat the dark choc she gave me, etc.  If I write back and say no but I made it out of bed into the lounge room and ate a piece of bread she still emphasises how good it would be to shower and go outside. I feel like someone should be throwing a party that I moved but it's not enough for her.  Don't get me wrong, I know it would be great to do those things but I just can't. I also know she is trying to show she cares but the end of the day when she is "just checking in again" I just feel annoyed and I can't help thinking she will end up annoyed with me. What can I say to her?

[Guest_1055]

Hello Lost Girl

I think I can understand why you get annoyed. For me sometimes I really don't want advice. Even if it is from people that love you. Sometimes I just want a hug or even just someone to hang out with for a tiny bit. Is that like you?

And good on you, for getting out of bed and moving out on to the lounge. Three cheers for you! I know how hard it is sometimes to even climb out of bed. I am still in my bed at the moment by the way.

As to what to say to your dear friend..... and I do agree with you there, she is caring about you. I am glad you have a friend.

Anyway since she is your closest friend, I would just tell her the truth. Maybe..... "I know you care about me, and I am thankful for it, but I can't handle all this advice at the moment. I was wondering if you could just give me a hug. Or could you just tell me about your day, that helps me sometimes to feel not alone"

I don't know, maybe something like that??

Also if you didn't already know about this, I think there is some fact sheets on depression on here. Have you considered maybe printing some information out to actually give to her. Maybe that would help her to understand more about what it is like for you.? I am just throwing that out there, in case you hadn't thought of it.

Well it has been an honour to write you a reply post. And

Hip Hip Hooray.....Hip Hip Hooray..... for your accomplishment of making it to the lounge.

Many hugs, if you would like some that is

Shell xx

[pipsy]

Dear Lost Girl.  It's good you've contacted us as you need to talk to someone who'll listen instead of telling you what you 'should' be doing.  You're right to believe that your friend is worried and checking, but the way she is going about it is making you feel harassed.  When you're really down, just getting out of bed is a major work of art.  You and I both know that sunshine is good, so are a lot of other things.  But you're going to have to tell her gently, but firmly, I know you mean well, but you're asking me to do things that I'm simply unable to do right now.  Your friend has no idea what depression is, you're the only one who knows exactly how you feel and what's making you feel that way.  Everything she is suggesting is positive, but the 'dark cloud' over you is stopping you from having those positive feelings.  Have you thought about seeing a Dr for some mild anti depressants, that would help you start feeling better.  Perhaps your well-meaning friend could go with you to see a Dr, ask her to wait while you go in.  Or maybe see about getting a referral to a counsellor for some guide lines about how to overcome what's hurting you.  You are in a great deal of pain and you definitely need help.  Your friend, doesn't really understand because she can't.  People often think with depression, all you need are 'positive' thoughts, easier said than done.  Your anger and annoyance is also being triggered by your inability to dig yourself out of the black hole (incidentally, the black hole is not your fault).  Depression doesn't care what your life is or was.    If you're really concerned about black thoughts you could also ring BB's 24 hour helpline.  There are some marvellous trained counsellors who would be able to give you guidance as well.  You are not alone. 

Hope I've managed to open a door for you.  If you can go through the door, that's a good start.  If you need further help to open the door wider, try our 24/7 phoneline.

[Lost_Girl]

Thanks Shell I appreciate your reply and the hugs. Yes you're right I much prefer the hug and for her to tell me about her life as it's hard for me to talk in person right now.

Thanks for idea of giving her some information. I just didn't want to hurt her feelings or have her think I sm pushing her away as she is trying so hard.  I don't know why I feel the way I do so it's hard to explain it to others.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Big hugs back to you.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Pipsy, thanks so much for the reply.

You have described exactly how I feel and I finding this is a great place for people to listen without trying to fix me.

I have been seeing a gp, neurologist for chronic pain and have started seeing a psychologist. I am on a plan to increase antidepressants but only started taking them 8 weeks ago and it has been a really rough ride.  I have read up on depression and am starting to engage my friends as I start to feel less anxious and because I want to make sure I keep them. It's just really hard and harder still for them to accept I am not my usual self at the moment and that that is ok.

I will have a better look around this site for information to give her to help her understand.

Thanks so much

[pipsy]

Hi L.G.  Please don't take this wrong, were you informed when you started with the anti depressants, that it might take a while before you benefitted from them?  Some people take longer than others before they notice a difference in how they're feeling.  If you're concerned in any way about them, please don't wait till your next appointment to see your g.p or whoever prescribed the meds.  Hoping your neurologist can help you too.  Once some of your pain eases, you may be able to engage with your friends more. 

Keep us informed how you're going.  Let us know also, your bad days as we can listen and maybe give you some guidance when you're not seeing your psych.   

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Pipsy,

When I first went on them I was not told about the time nor the side effects. I had one type for 4 weeks and had a very bad reaction to them making me much worse than I initially was. It took a while begore I thought to look up yhe side effects and then I realised it wasn't all me. I have since seen a different gp and was changed to a different antidepressant.  The neurologist then agreed it was the right type and has me on the plan to increase.  I have been more nervous because of the adverse affect to the last type but I am hanging in there and I know it may be rough for a few weeks.

I am blessed to have some wonderful friends, all of which have been happy to support from afar except it's been some time now and some are keen to try and help.  Things are hard on hubby as well but I suggested and he has started counselling through his work.

Thanks so much for the support. 

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Shell and Pipsy,

 I spoke to my friend and it went really well. I think I was just so worried about pushing her away. She understood and had already started to do some reading on depression.  It must be so hard for someone who hasn't been through it to understand. I am going through it and I find it hard to understand. It is also hard waiting for the medicatiob to get to the right level and to start helping.

Thanks so much for your support. It really means the world right now.

Warm hugs

Lost Girl

[Doolhof]

Hi Lost Girl and all,

I have just come across this thread. It is great Lost Girl that you are seeking advice, understanding and suggestions regarding your depression and how to engage with others. You have already received some great help here.

There really are some wonderful threads here on this site. I see you have popped into the BB Café a few times. I like it there too.

It is wonderful you have some supportive friends. As you mentioned, depression is hard for the person experiencing it to understand, let alone someone who has never had it. One of the things with depression is that the effects of it can be so different every single day of the week!

Regarding the medication, as has been mentioned, it can take a while for the medication to kick in and work well. Once again, the reaction can be different in everyone.

I've had depression for quite a while and still find reading about it and finding information to be beneficial.

If you have a day when you don't want to communicate with just friends, just let them know you are having a not so good day, and you will catch up with them soon.

If I feel like I am having a bad day, I will let my husband know other wise he might think he has done something to upset me. I also try to do something that I enjoy to help change my mood.

Hopefully your husband will be helped by the counselling he is receiving also. My husband came to couple's counselling with me...once... and thought everything would be fixed then Ha. Ha.

I've waffled on again!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Fairywings]

Hi hunny, i would just say to her that your having a little bit of low point in your life atm that you have wonderful support around you and that you need some time alone to figure things out. If she is a really good friend she should and will do her best to respect ur wishes. Telling her in such a way as i have mentioned should hopefully give her the hint in a very nice way. Hope this was of some help to you.