What’s wrong with me please

[Goldenribbon]

Outwardly my life looks amazing and I feel guilty even writing this . I have so much to be grateful for but I feel so alone , so desperately lonely . I have adult children grandchildren and a husband . In my family I am the one who listens to others and no one would guess that I’m in deep trouble myself . My husband is distant and aloof but others tell me he’s always been likes that so I have to accept it . I married him because he felt safe and like what I needed after a violent relationship so yes I guess it’s true . I simply don’t inspire any passion in him , none and I mean in any way .
Everyone in my life sees him as perfect because he provides for me and came into my life when I was a single mI’m. Even my kids favour him over me and when I left they took his side . Effectively I almost lost my

family over it so I went back . Now I’ve lost any tiny bit of self respect. I have horrible health ( chronic pain) making holding down a job very hard , I cry all the time and the worse part is I’ve been seeing a counsellor for almost two years in secret ( because I’m terrified of letting anyone know how much I’m falling apart ) and I can’t even bring myself to tell her that I am so incredibly depressed that I lay awake in the middle of the night thinking how much I hate myself what a bad person I am and how no one cares about me not really . I can’t even think of a way out and if I could I’m sure I wouldn’t find the inner strength to take it . I used to be strong or think I was but not now . Even the pain I’m in I can’t share on any kind of level that people take serious because people are dismissive

of me.

I’ve looked back at my life and realised that as a child my parents didn’t like me , my two biggest relationships before marriage were very abusive and my husband now although he says he loves me is lukewarm . Basically people don’t like me . Men have only really liked me to use me for sex and women in

general have never liked me . My own mother only started to act like she liked me in the last few years . I used to think it was a case of like yourself them others will follow but I really don’t think so . It must surely be the case that some people are born less lovable or likeable than others.

. There’s a lot more . Things I feel bad about but I’ve written a novel already . Why can’t I tell anyone all this horrible stuff about me . What is wrong with me ? Thankyou to anyone who has taken the time to read my rant

[Croix]

Dear Goldenribbon~

Welcome to the forum, most of us have had pretty bad experiences and that makes for care and understanding . Strangely bad experiences make a lot of us, me included, feel unworthy and at fault. I guess it is human nature, don't know why. Then follows shame and embarrassment.

I seriously doubt you are unlikable, even thogh it may seem that way to you.

I'd agree a husband who is not intimate is a real downer, however the sex drives of different human being cover a very wide range, from a lot to nil. Humans differ. Similarly just being close and not cold, almost everyone needs that , and without it those thoughts of being unlikable come back even more.

I'd suggest it is your husband's way, not a reflection on you. As for going and returning, it is perfectly natural putting being with your kids above thoughts of pride, that's love.

To be used by others in those two previos relationships will have left a huge mark on you.

I know you are visiting a counselor, but if after two years you have not realy benefited and are leading a life that is so horrible it must be time for a change. Crying and feeling so bad each night is no way to be. Then trying to hide it just makes matters worse, I should know I did that and just made myself more isolated and feeling at fault.

You can't easily find answers to problems unless the problems are identified, and you say yourself you cannot bring yourself to describe your life.

May I suggest you print out or show your post to your counselor, or if you feel that too difficult wiht the counselor hen in a long appointment with a GP. You may find, as I have, that having something written down is a whole lot easier.

You have not written a novel, in fact you have simply written you have had a very hard time in your past life, that you have taken it to heart and it is eating away at you. While you not see the way out at the moment you have actually made the first step by coming and talking here, the next step is proper medical support.

Life can be so much better.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Goldenribbon

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum. I am so sad to read your story and see how unhappy you are at the moment.

It's hard to feel you are second best in someone's life when you have loved and cared for those people all their lives. I cannot give you an answer about why your children prefer your husband to you and I wonder if it is entirely correct. Although you say no one knows how unhappy you are I wonder if your children do know to some extent, but cannot understand how or why you feel this way. Is there any of your children you think you could confide in? I know this sounds horrifying to you and I can appreciate that. Can I ask you to consider this option.

It seems you have not moved forward during the two years of seeing a counsellor. Can I confirm this is not a psychologist or psychiatrist? Sometimes these titles get used as being interchangeable where in fact they are very different. It may be you need to see another therapist such as a psychologist or perhaps psychiatrist. Your GP can help you with this. Print out your post and show it to your GP as Croix suggests. If nothing else it breaks the ice immediately and allows the GP to understand in part what is troubling you.

I wish I could give you answer to your question, what is wrong with me. You sound very depressed. You also sound as though you are contemplating suicide. Is this correct? I hope not but if this is the case then I do urge you to see your GP and get more help. Having been in you position myself I have some idea how you feel even though we are all different.

Please take care of yourself and come back to write here. People do find it very useful.

Mary

It becomes very easy when others do not acknowledge your struggles to feel it must be all your fault and there is something wrong with you. That you are unworthy of deep love and affection because you are such a bad person. I believe you are a person of integrity, one who cares deeply for your children and grandchildren and who would like to care deeply for your husband. May I ask, is your husband's attitude to you the same now as it was before you left?

Feeling unwanted as a child must have been very painful. Did you have any sort of reconciliation with your mother before she passed away? How do you feel about seeing another therapist? Staying with someone who has not registered how unhappy you are after two years is extraordinary. I do suggest you look at other therapist with the help of your GP.

[Goldenribbon]

Thankyou Croix , I really appreciate you taking the time and replying . I should explain that when I say my husband isn’t intimate I mean more in that he won’t communicate open up or share any part of himself with me . But I think what you say still applies . I never thought about printing out what I wrote and showing my counselir . That’s a scary thought right now but one that makes sense . I will definitely consider that . Thankyou again

[Goldenribbon]

I also wanted to Thank you White rose. You’re right in that my counsellor is not a psychologist . Do you think there would be some benefit to me seeking out someone who is . I think in truth the problem is me . I am the one who cannot open up around this . Before I saw this counsellor I went ( very briefly to a woman who was a psychologist ) maybe only for a couple of visits . To be honest I was quite open with her about my state of mind and was very hurt at the time . She seemed pretty disinterested , yawning etc , I stopped going and she never called so I figured maybe a counsellor was better but every time I am with her I seem to get stuck and focus on mundane problems .
So I don’t blame my therapist it’s me who is the issue I realise

Thankyou so very much

[Croix]

Dear Goldenribbon~

No, it is not you that is the issue.

I think you need someone with more skill, and that means GP plus psychologist or psychiatrist. In a session it is not up to you to do all the work, or all the steering. A good practitioner will concentrate on the important matters, not the mundane, and will have a plan with you, with steps and goals. They should also constantly find feedback so they know if they are on the right track.

Your councilor has not progressed in a very long time, and does not seem to have addressed the issues you think most important. While it might seem easier just to keep on going I'd question it's worth.

Do you think that Mary right be right and that more professional support could be a way to go?

That psychologist was not typical, in fact sounds most unprofessional, you were right to dump her.

With the paper, I just about guarantee it makes it a LOT easier.

Croix