What it feels like to go insane

[Scared]

Been away a while and I dont know where I been.  But my life views have changed dramatically. Depression sufferers are amongst the toughest breeds mankind has ever seen.  The sheer weight we carry and still survive somehow is remarkable.  Its sad we have no strength to communicate this but I am bound with my brothers and sisters for life as we struggle for survival together. Yes I have seen death felt it lived it but I see the beauty in my brothers and sisters and if I could I would protect you all.

Yes my tone has changed as I have relived my hippie days during treatment. A long lost part of me that has been buried for decades.

A hidden aggressive non violent protest for change that I was lost in 40 years ago at the beat if Bob Dylan Neil young at the time of Laurel Canyon and Woodstock.

But I had to die first to get there and lose my mind on the way which was frightening to my core.

They tried to silence the hippie for what reason.  They exercised brotherly love and care for mother earth and natural lifestyles.  Their non conformity towards the way things were going in the 60 70s was about LOVE and PEACE.  And you stamped him out.  Why? Why would you do that.  Manson was never a hippie so dont blame hippies.

So I live in this world eons away from the beauty I was once involved in.  Not being able to tell you here where I go twice a week at hospital is a crime and yes I am anti establishment but not wrecklessly indifferent to things that make society run.  My treatment is out there and I cant tell you.

Thats crazy to the enlightened person because people need information but instead are bombarded by misinformation lies scams gag orders and integrity has become almost a mythical idea from a long lost time.  And all this does matter.  Its our health we fight daily for and it doesnt come cheap and without effort.

Respect to all my brothers and sisters and let your freak flag fly and above all peace in our suffering

[Scared]

Thank u for that compliment.

• Writing stories was something I used to do.  Last year I began writing a novel while having a rare brief moment of wellness. Gothic religious horror genre. A homage to Mary Shelly's Frankenstein but mine has purpose and that is a scientific approach to finding the existence of God and providing real evidence.
• I was truly terrified to even put pen to paper on this book.  But depression has shown me fear like one could never imagine and with that in mind what can a book do to me thats worse than depression.
• You got it.... Nothing.

[Scared]

Yes absolutely

But then a revelation hit me like a bus.

Neuro Plasticity .

What if after a long spell of a depressive cycle the neuro pathways became strengthened in their network that depression has had enough time to become its own default setting.

Because the pathways are so strengthened by now it takes quite a while to re route to a healthier network.

So if thats the case then depression in a cycled pattern would make absolute sense.  So if that is true then when health returns then we have to get very busy quickly to form new neural pathways before the much stronger more established depressive neurons can take control once again.

This needs serious debate as we are the ones who need to find a release from this nefarious disease.

I truly believe the science of neuro biology and plasticity is where are much needed answers are. For eg we excercise one muscle for enough time it will stay strong for a long period of time even after muscle wasting has occurred.

Muscles or brain does not matter as its all the same biology and operates under the same evolutionary principal as all mammals.  A thought in our brain is no different than a muscle flexing.  So a rabbit hole I think is not healthy because positive change needs quick action because of the race in time we are under.

To beat the default setting.

Im not Einstein just my gut common sense.  We all know the seriousness we are playing for.  We all have skin in this game and now I rethink the term and purpose of SSRI.  Perhaps its to give nero pathways time to strengthen time to out last the default setting before it comes back.

[therising]

Hi Scared

The subject of neuroplasticity is a fascinating one, as is the subject of epigenetics. Such subjects inspire a sense of wonder. 'I wonder what I can do with my brain and its networks. I wonder what I can do with my genes and how I can switch certain gene expressions on and off'. It all brings about this sense of excitement in various ways. 'How to master one's self?' becomes the question. 

I can recall the first time I came across the subject of neuroplasticity, within the book 'The Brain That Changes Itself' by Norman Doidge. This was mind blowing stuff, especially some of the ground breaking work of Paul Bach-y-Rita. Btw, one of the things I love most about researchers is the fact that they most often won't settle within the belief 'There's no cure for that' or 'That's not possible'. They open their mind to endless possibilities. They are explorers of what's outside the square.

With a passion for knowing what certain researchers have discovered is what has led me to become a reader of books based on research, as opposed to a reader of novels. I imagine you also have a thirst for knowledge. Drinking in ideas and research based on neuroplasticity is what helps satisfy such a thirst, for a time, until the thirst to know more returns. A sense of wonder is an incredible thing, until it becomes time consuming. A healthy balance of research and living can be a challenge to master.

Beyond neuroplasticity and epigenetics is what I feel completes the trifecta. Certain elements of quantum physics covers so much in regard to who we are and how we tick. A fascinating book that touches on all 3 combined would be 'Becoming Supernatural' by Joe Dispenza. The idea is that these 3 elements that go toward making up the whole of who we are aren't just natural but perfectly natural or super natural. It's perfectly natural or super natural to be able to change our brain/mind, change how our body expresses itself and change how we function on an energetic level. With every cell in our body vibrating at a certain frequency (according to quantum physicists), determining the level of excitement we feel from a collection of billions of cells within our body, the question becomes 'What's it going to take for me to vibe up (experience the vibration at a higher and healthy level) in order to truly feel life running through me?'. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Scared,

Those we’re the good days, Love and Peace, Woodstock, I didn’t get to go but I do have a great dvd which shows the building of the stage, the traffic, setting up tents and all done by the marvellous back drop of Crosby, Stills, Nash  singing “It’s a long way gone”…those were good days….

The way the world is today, is sad….Keep that beautiful person inside you alive…Don’t let this world change you….Stay true to yourself Dear Scared…

Sending kindness, peace and a gentle caring hug…♥️ ☮️ &🤗…

Grandy..

[Scared]

Hi Ggrand...

Yes I know and yes its sad they have gone.  Last year I had a panic attack regarding yester year and OMG every ones gone and I cant bring it all back.

I got numb when David Crosby died and quite upset knowing CSN will never be again.  Did you know Neil Young played with CSN at Woodstock as they were know as CSN n Y. There is no footage of Young tho as he threatened the camera crew with his heavy guitar if they came anywhere near him. I think that was only the 2nd time csny played together as a foursome.  That era was simply the richest output of music I would argue in all time back there in laurel and topanga canyons.  Im not happy Neil never accepted Davids apology before he passed.  Because I modeled my whole life around Neils music and Im first to accept an apology on brotherly love.

So Im very confused by neils stance.

I love csny take on Joni Mitchels song 

"Woodstock "

Regards Not scared

[indigo22]

Hi Not Scared (love that!),

To this day the music of the 60s and 70s is what makes me want to sing, they were such amazing writers and the harmonies can move me in ways I cannot describe. CSNY were amazing with their harmonies and many after them were equally special in their own way. I never went to Woodstock but it felt like a mass statement from the citizens of this world that things need to change. Here we are so many years later and while some change has occurred, not nearly enough has changed. It was unfortunate that so many of the great bands of that era could not get along with each other and held grudges for decades. I am not sure what the issue was between Neil and David that you are referring to, but I know there was almost always friction between the members. I think the use of the "happy pills" etc., sometimes became the downfall of those involved.

The majority of those songs of rebellion still have a place in the here and now. How long does it take to change things for the better? My personal opinion is that there is too much control imposed by the 1% that don't want things to change. I had a discussion with my nephew the other day about this and he expressed that he was unsure we could change things, my argument is that if the 99% of us took a stand, the 1% wouldn't stand a chance. Unfortunately at this time there are not enough of the 99% pushing for change, but I absolutely believe it will happen and in my lifetime.

If you were going to consciously choose a time when you were at your best, it would likely have been then, makes sense that your subconscious would lead you there. I know you said that it has been a difficult journey with a lot of hard work, but the result speaks for itself, you have come so far in just a few months, I can only imagine the changes in you that will take place in the months to come.

I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you and your achievements and I have a bug hug also for my brother.

indigo 💜 

[Ggrand]

Dear Scared,

I’m sorry you had a pain attack last year regarding yester year…🤗…

Yes, I have the 4 of them on a DVD called “Woodstock” along with the other musicians that played there…My husband was a guitar player and growing up in the 60/70s learned to play most of the songs from Woodstock…Jimmie Hendricks was one of his favourite players  along with CSN &Y..,Billy Thorpe & the Aztecs, Meat Loaf, he would play for many hours trying to perfect their style and sound of their music….wow scared, you’ve brought back so many memories, memories that were buried deep in my brain…

The 60/70 singers and musicians, the sounds that came out from their instruments and their voices were not distorted by any computer….they were genuine and pure talent…..Thank you so much for bringing some good memories back….

Kind thoughts and care Dear Scared..

Grandy..

[Scared]

Thanku so much Indigo.

David called Daryl Hannah a predator or words to that effect regarding Neils marriage to her after Neil divorced his long time partner Peggy.

That was the last straw for Neil regarding David.  Today was my 6 th treatment and I was not ready for a larger dose.

You are right about the power  of % 99.

So as far as my insights of todays session this is what I saw.

Everybody has a bright beautiful light they carry inside and are not even aware of the time energy and effort that it takes to keep it lit.  Buddha searched and found it Jesus was born with it and taught it and the enlightened understand its internal not from external sources.

It is not Religeon but rather awareness that is most often not even visible because life gets in the way of ever seeing it.  We are too busy with life to ever truly see life.  Its a paradox.

Many people have this revelation in hospice care and get it so profoundly sadly when its too late.

Young people are key in change because they can have ideals for change as they often do not have the burden of children mortgage and lifes  weighted responsibilities  In short they can have clarity they can afford it.

Ask any parent who has finished work cooked dinner pay bills ran baths and beds for children and ask them to then find strength to change the world.

No.  Its not going to happen as much as they want to.

We are too busy in crisis as it is let alone campaign against logging in Amazon or slash and burn farming for palm oil.

My father said it right.

He said son in the 50s thru to the 80s you could have achieved anything but now its not the same world.

Governments focus on young men and women as our next leaders but my question is this.  What should that look like because what we producing now is still missing crucial points and my fear is by the time we evolve at our present rate its too little too late. The burden on young peoples mental health is of utmost importance as I feel it will only get tested further.  How do we keep young people from losing their momentum and ideas of change before the machine of life gets to them first.

Im sorry Indigo I not mean to become political but I cant see how we can help younger generation without governments. 

[Scared]

Yes please do go back and visit the past 

We may often carry baggage from our past that weigh us down like a sea turtle full of growth on its shell but forget the good baggage we also have hauled 1000 miles thru our life   Music from a happy time.   Time to get some music going again.  Why not we carried it for so long time to use it.

Happy peace love and reflection on a much loved time.  We deserve it

[indigo22]

Hi Not Scared (I am going to call you this as it is more fitting),

I am not sure we can rely on our current governments for anything, they are all corrupt to a large degree. If you can be bought, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. It is our education system that needs to change first and foremost. It is still producing brainwashed young people who are not taught anything of real value, it is all left brain facts and figures about how the world has always been (which is untrue to begin with) and the right brain is suppressed. It's not surprising there are so many people in the world with mental health issues, they have all been beaten down by a system we no longer need or want.

My personal opinion is that all kids should be taught the basic foundations at primary school, reading, writing, math etc. Helping them discover how they learn best, visually, audibly, experientially etc. But high school should be about nurturing and encouraging their natural talent whatever that may be, teaching them about self esteem and self worth, the many ways in which we can be of service to others in life, their value in the world, their rights in society, how to become independent adults when they are finished with school. These are the things that matter that are never taught.

I don't know about you, but I hated school, even then I felt like I was forced to learn things that I had no interest in and would never use again for the rest of my life. I had no interest in science, history, etc. I was creative and right brain by nature but had to study and pass exams on left brain subjects I couldn't and wouldn't retain.

It's time for change, that's for sure.

indigo 💜