What is wrong with me?

[Guest_1573]

Hi All

I am here now as I suffer severe depression and do not know what to do. I am on medication. I am so tired of this awful world..the awful people that I encounter daily (selfish, rude, entitled). Daily I go through road rage as it appears everyone on the road thinks they are the best drivers...yet they continually flout the rules. I do everything by the book. I am honest; drive carefully, treat everyone with respect. Treat my customers like they are gold...go over and above my job description. Never get any thanks. I really just want to stay alone with my darling dog. And go to the dog beach. Dogs are my one passion in life. They are the only joy in my life.

I doubt the medication is working. Again...nothing seems to work! I have multiple health issues and mental health issues. I am 55 years old with a 16 year old (whom I love totally) with zero help from his 'father'. I feel so alone in life and I have become a fat lazy slob. I just don't care anymore. Yet I have to for my son! I need some motivation but I simply cannot find it. I feel totally dead inside. All I want to do is sleep. Or go to the dog beach. Everything else....zero care factor. I guess I am lucky I have my dog passion. If it weren't for that i would be totally lost.

I am scared because I am doing everything the professionals tell me to yet nothing is changing for the better. I am now on other medications to counteract the first medications....I have side effects ( dry mouth, throat, headache, weight gain)....should I just stop all of it and try to resolve things in a natural fashion?

I constantly fear for my son. The World has become such a horrible place...I am totally gobsmacked daily with what goes on. I would NEVER bring a child into this World now. It has become a festering sewer pit of mad people.

I would really love to speak to others who feel the same as I do. Life shouldn't be such a drama surely? I have had plenty of drama since the day I was born and I just want peace. I just want to believe that there is some good in the World and my son will have a happy future.

Thanks for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Hey panicmerchant, 

Thank you so much for reaching out to the community today, we understand how difficult this can be when you're feeling so low. We are so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with severe depression on top of health issues, which must be especially difficult when you feel like medication is not helping. It sounds like you must have so much on your plate to cope with right now, and we can hear the love and concern that you have for your son. Please know that our community are here for you, and you never have to go this on your own. We are also currently reaching out to you through email with some extra support.

It's great to hear that you've been working together with health professionals, but we understand that it can be a really difficult journey in finding the right support that works best for you. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. But please know that our Support Service are always here for you to talk through these feelings and concerns, anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or also through webchat (1pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

We would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are always available to you day or night, as often as you need whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the kind words from our community, and please  feel free to keep updating us here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.
 

[autumntree]

Hi Panicmerchant,

A while ago I was feeling like you. The world seemed like such a horrible place. The only thing that made me feel better was my dog, so I'm glad that you mentioned that you enjoy going to the dog beach. Going to the dog beach really helped me when I was feeling low, just seeing my dog enjoy the water and hang out with the other dogs brought a smile to my face. I have a saying which is that 'it is difficult to be sad at the dog park'. I often take videos of my dog at the beach and watch them when I'm feeling sad. Often it can make me feel better. Maybe this is something you could do? Just an idea. Regardless, I recommend spending sometime doing things that you enjoy such as going to the dog beach, for a walk, to the Cafe or even art gallery. I found that doing things I enjoy really helped me to feel a little better.

I do agree that the world is full of some nasty people. However, I believe there are some good people out there. Take this community for example, there are lovely people on this platform that will take the time to go through people's posts and try to make people feel better. There are also lovely animals such as dogs that are so full of love. But I acknowledge that the good can be really hard to see in the dark times. The only advice I can give is remember that this will pass. With some time (and maybe some treatment: physiatrist, psychologist etc) I do believe that you will be able to feel better and the world will seem a little brighter for you and your son.

Hold in there and hope you feel better soon,

Autumn Tree

[Guest_1573]

Thanks Autumn Tree

Yes I thank the higher powers daily for dogs. They are such wonderful creatures and truly bring me joy. I ensure I take my darling out daily...she would not forgive me if I didn't!

I just spoke to my psychologist and I am seeing him next week. Along with a psychiatrist. I am so low because I have been on this roundabout for years now. I am so disillusioned that anything can help but I will keep trying.

I know I have to be firmer with my son as currently I run around and do everything for him. It is entirely my fault. I have wrapped him in cotton wool since he was born due to traumatic birth and him almost dying age 24 hours. From that second on I felt I couldn't leave him for one second! I had severe post natal depression that was not addressed. I then divorced his father when my son was only 2 as he was violent and the marriage was a disaster. From then on I have been alone with my son. Now at my age with all my issues and menopause as well it is all too much.

I just really hope these professionals can finally help me.

Thanks so much for your reply. xx

[Guest_1573]

Thanks Sophie

I am very grateful to have this community to help me. I do have a new group of professionals to try to resolve some of this stuff. Plus a gym membership and dietitian. I have let myself go so badly but I just can't seem to care. Not when pretty much every waking moment is spent feeling horrible and thinking there is something sinister going on in my body (and mind!).

I will update once I have seen these new people....I just hope and pray I can get some help and motivation from them. I know it is up to me too but I need that push!

xx