What is wrong with me?

[Elsye]

I am a failure at everything. I don’t know how to do life. I’m almost 40, I’m not married, I haven’t even had a boyfriend since 2004. My family are super close with each other but not so much me. They all drop in on each other every day and hang out, but I’m never invited. I’ve brought this stuff up before a few times and they make an effort for a few weeks then just stop again. It’s always me calling them, or visiting them. I actually decided, I’m not going to call first as of New Year’s Day, to see what happened. Well it’s the 9th of Feb and I still haven’t heard from them. 
I have no friends. My career is going nowhere. In school I got HD’s yet my bosses have never seen my potential even though I always give 200%. Whenever I leave and get a new job the new employer doesn’t see my potential either and offer me a more junior position with less pay so I’m literally going backwards. 
I’ve been in therapy since my late teens, but my situation hasn’t improved. I just don’t know what to do. I feel as if I’ve missed the boat on the career and a husband and kids, and I’m so lonely and sad that I feel physical pain. Is this really the point of life? Just to trudge through one miserable day at a time? 
The thing is I’ll never have what I want, it’s now all too late. at best I’ll be a really old mum with no support network and my kids wouldn’t be close with their cousins who’d be years ahead of them in age etc, and I’ll always be junior for my age career wise.

there’s this thing women do where they make you feel so inferior if they’re married/have kids and you don’t. So I just spend my whole life feeling inferior.  People have taken to saying to my face patronising things like “you’ll find someone someday” when I didn’t ask, or worse, “if you were going to be married and have kids you’d have done it by now”, or my personal favourite, “I’d die if I was still single at your age”. 
I think I’m a nice person. Im intelligent, I’m driven, I’m caring and generous, I just don’t understand why I can’t find a relationship or even friends, or succeed at work. Who doesn’t have friends?? The only negative is I’m fat which seems to be a dealbreaker for men. I didn’t used to be but 20 years of comfort eating just to get through the night will do that to you I guess. What can I do?

[Elsye]

I wanted to add, I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve tried numerous times to talk to my mum but she acts like she does with some friends of hers who are quite negative and she just cuts me off with an “oh well” as if she thinks I’m whinging rather than crying out for help. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Elsye,

Thank you for sharing here. We're sorry to hear that you're feeling like you don't know how to do life. That must be incredible difficult, and we can understand how the behaviour of those around you would make it even harder to feel understood or recognised. We’re really glad you could share this here, as it must be really hard to sit with those feelings on your own.

It sounds like it could be good to try to speak to someone about this. We can hear you may not be feeling able to confide in those around you. We’d really recommend getting in touch with the Beyond Blue support line on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat 24/7. They're a lovely bunch, so this is a great option especially if you're not sure who to talk to.

Doing the things that make us feel happy or balanced is so important. Is there anything that makes you feel this way that you might like to share a bit about? 

We really don’t want you to feel like a failure, that’s a horrible thing to feel. Some of the lovely community members here on the forum may be able to relate to that feeling. We expect they’ll come across your thread soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things it might be helpful to look at while you’re waiting:

• When your inner critic is giving you a tough time
• How to ask for help
• Developing a positive body image

Thank you again for sharing here. It can be really hard to do that, and so we hope you can feel some pride in having done so.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[trappedinqld]

Hi Elsye,

Thank you for sharing your story and how you feel. It sounds incredibly difficult and I wish I could give you a hug. If you need someone to just chat with then I would be happy to listen. 

I am also struggling. I am 38, in a long-term relationship with 2 kids and a stepson but life is not going well in my mind and I feel very low. I have distanced myself from my family and the few friends that I have too. I hope that you're able to find someone to talk to and realise the positives in your life. 

[quirkywords]

elsye

Thanks for honesty. Life can be hard . This place is nonjudgmental and welcoming. 
feel free to post here when you like. 

[quirkywords]

Trappedinqld

welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are struggling.

if you want can start your own thread and get support.

you are nit alone and we are listening.

[Petal22]

Hi Elsye,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Please don’t think that because the way other people treat you that there is something wrong with you.

It’s the opposite, the people who are treating you way are are showing you who they are ..this is a reflection of themselves.

I understand you haven’t made contact recently with these people and they haven’t made contact with you, I believe this shows that they simply aren’t your people and that’s ok .

I believe that by walking away and keeping your own integrity is more important. You deserve better. You will find your people once you let the wrong ones go… it will also bring you inner peace.

Ok you’re almost 40 and haven’t met your person… can I ask how you treat the most important person in your life? That’s YOU speak to yourself like someone you love and once you can do this you will have more love to give and I’m sure your person will be attracted to this.

What other people think of us is none of our business.

Please start building yourself up and fill your own cup.

I understand your aware of your comfort eating, now that your aware of it begin to change it.

Our reactions to every day things matter because it will define how we feel internally.

Change your thoughts and then watch how your world begins to change for the get better.

Stop beating yourself up and start feeding yourself with self LOVE. You deserve this.