What is wrong with me.. I have had enough of feeling like this.

[Elizabella]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this forum. Am up late as don't want to go to sleep as am worried that my councillor session I booked for tomorrow morning will not bring the results I feel I need. I have a very good life but over the last 3 years I have had some traumatic things happen. My life seems to be a constant stream of ups and downs. More downs than ups. No matter what I do I am just existing.Not living.. Today was a bad day. I have noticed I have been struggling for a while but today was the day that broke the camels back. My mother is in hospital and I am all she has. I take on a lot of responsibility and feel really helpless that I cannot fix her and I have to see her suffer. I have been getting sick very often and have been feeling under the weather the last two weeks. I struggled at work this morning, a job I used to love, and I then got a call about my mum. The last time I had a loved in a hospital they died. Something just snapped in me. I couldn't stop crying. I rang my husband and I rang my aunty and I asked her to come with me as I had to be strong for my mum but I honestly didn't feel I could do it alone. My husband is really wonderful. I called him and he was just there for me. We have been through a bit together. It has changed us but also brought us together. I feel he is also struggling. I try to talk to him and he sometimes opens up. When I picked up my Aunty I broke down even further. I couldnt stop crying and I just kept telling her how I felt etc. I felt guilty for asking her to come with me. I got extremely lost on the way to the hospital. I cannot focus or concentrate much. Find myself zoning out very quickly. Cancelled the rest of my day and after making sure mum was ok I came home. Fell asleep on the couch.. ate something.. then hubby came home. The rest of the night was good minus how I feel. I already take something for anxiety. I remember going to the doctor years ago and said I felt unwell. He said nothing was wrong and gave me a prescription. Now everytime I go to the doctor I think it is all in my head. I have put off going to the doctor too at times because of this. I am also a very good actress so I am worried that I will walk into the councillor tomorrow and be perfectly fine. I AM NOT FINE! Anyway.I just needed to say that I had an absolutely awful day and have had an awful time at late. I do tend to isolate myself.. and everything is taking a lot more effort.Thank you for listening to my rant. Any replies would be great. 

[Zeal]

Hi Elizabella,

Welcome to the forum!

I can relate to staying up late because of intense worry. I'm sorry to hear you've had a really rough day. In a single counselling session, direct results may not be achieved. Recovery and mental wellness takes time, but is certainly quicker (usually) with professional help. Your Mum's illness is really taking a toll on your mental and physical health. She is very fortunate to have such a caring daughter. Talking to your counsellor about how your Mum's situation makes you feel is vital. Remember that counselling sessions are judgement-free zones and are confidential. You will have the chance to speak without interruption. Writing a list of topics/thoughts that are bothering you is helpful - you can take this into the consult with you. I've done this before with my GP and with a psychiatrist I used to see. It can make going into the appointment less stressful.

I'm happy to hear you have a supportive and caring husband, and that your relationship has been strengthened by difficulties you have faced and dealt with in the past.

Good luck with your counselling session! Keep communicating here if you feel it is helpful, as you are very welcome on this forum 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Smashtales]

Hey ElizaBella

I was in a very similar situation to you (a lot of responsibility to look after my mum etc) and so I very much understand how overwhelming it can be. You already are stressed and worried and the more and more care you focus on your mum, obviously the less and less you focus on yourself-so it's totally reasonable for you to fall a part.

However before going on, I have to say that you must be one very caring and selfless individual to put others first despite feeling so terrible- so don't take that away from yourself. 

With your GP- I recommend bringing someone you trust, with you. My friend used to come with me and would step in if I missed anything etc and it really helps having someone there who can explain it when you're feeling anxious.

I hope you're feeling a little less overwhelmed today

SmashTales

[White_Rose]

Hello Elizabella

Thanks for posting and welcome to the forum. I hope you read this before attending your session with the counselor. I suggest you print off your post and give it to the counselor. It's much easier than trying to remember all you want to say on this topic. Also it may be useful to let the counselor know you feel as though you are acting. In my experience counselors pick up when someone is 'putting on a face' so this could lead to a productive discussion.

Wearing a mask is a common action, especially when we have troubles, but after a while it becomes fixed in place and stops us revealing our true feelings where it would be good to do so. You lost your mask yesterday and asked for help which sounds like a good thing. We also tend to manage everything on our own because we don't want to bother others but we eventually get to breaking point. So if I may suggest, please let go a bit and ask for and accept help before you are the one needing care.

SM has commented that therapy takes time so please don't feel everything will be resolved today. I would like to hear how you went if this is OK with you.

Mary

[Elizabella]

Hi everyone, 

Thank you for your posts. I finished with my councillor this morning.  I am ow sitting myself down and forcing myself to have lunch otherwise I would do my normal thing of bot eating till 5pm.  

 I told her exactly how I felt and told her everything from the post. As I am going away on Monday on a cruise for a week. One I had bought for my mum and I... but am now going on alone. She told me to up my dosage of antidepressant that I take and I am booked into the doctor tomorrow. She is going to speak to me and most probably refer me to a psychiatrist.  Those words as scare me. As well as the prospect of taking medication that can have sideffects. But as I spoke about today whatever has to be done to get me back to a place where I can function and not just exist needs to be done. It is unusual. I can almost see myself being extremely irrational but there is nothing I can do to stop it. Mum is coming home I think today or on the weekend. I'm regrouping. I have to be kind to myself. My councillor said to help build my energy levels I should go for a 10 minute walk tonight with my husband. It's sad that after that I wold probably be exhausted. I am so frustrated with the exhaustion.. I think that us directly making me depressed. I am depressed that I am depressed. Thank you for your responses. If there is anything I need it us having people around me who understand what I am going through and who can give me advice on how to get through.  So far my coping mechanisms are crying sleeping and isolation. 

I  going to finish my lunch now and get going home. Might sit outside and read my book for a bit today.

Talk soon...

Elizabella ​

[Elizabella]

Hi everyone, 

Thank you for your posts. I finished with my councillor this morning.  I am ow sitting myself down and forcing myself to have lunch otherwise I would do my normal thing of bot eating till 5pm.  

 I told her exactly how I felt and told her everything from the post. As I am going away on Monday on a cruise for a week. One I had bought for my mum and I... but am now going on alone. She told me to up my dosage of antidepressant that I take and I am booked into the doctor tomorrow. She is going to speak to me and most probably refer me to a psychiatrist.  Those words as scare me. As well as the prospect of taking medication that can have sideffects. But as I spoke about today whatever has to be done to get me back to a place where I can function and not just exist needs to be done. It is unusual. I can almost see myself being extremely irrational but there is nothing I can do to stop it. Mum is coming home I think today or on the weekend. I'm regrouping. I have to be kind to myself. My councillor said to help build my energy levels I should go for a 10 minute walk tonight with my husband. It's sad that after that I wold probably be exhausted. I am so frustrated with the exhaustion.. I think that us directly making me depressed. I am depressed that I am depressed. Thank you for your responses. If there is anything I need it us having people around me who understand what I am going through and who can give me advice on how to get through.  So far my coping mechanisms are crying sleeping and isolation. 

I  going to finish my lunch now and get going home. Might sit outside and read my book for a bit today.

Talk soon...

Elizabella ​

[White_Rose]

Congratulations on your psych appointment. I absolutely understand why you feel exhausted after today's activities. Make sure your GP is authorising an increase in your medication, not the counselor.

Don't be scared about going to a psychiatrist. They do not bite and it is not a refection on your mental illness. At the moment you need additional help and the psychiatrist is best placed to give it. Your post is bit confusing but I understand your GP will be referring you to a psychiatrist. If your GP is OK with prescribing your medication you can ask about being referred to a psychologist if a psychiatrist sounds too daunting. I am presuming your counselor is not a psychologist?

If you are concerned about the potential effect of taking an increased amount of AD before going away, I suggest you discuss this thoroughly with your GP. Make sure he/she knows you are going on a cruise alone. If the AD causes any problem while you are away you could be in for an uncomfortable time.

Exhaustion is a direct outcome of depression, crying, worrying etc, not the other way round. A reasonable amount of exercise and a good diet are essential. Being depressed because you are depressed is also normal. I feel like that myself and yes it is frustrating. Crying and sleeping are OK but only a little isolation. Be kind to yourself and rest.

Mary