What happened to my happily ever after?

[Vitsyra]

Hi All,

I'm Dawn and I'm new 🙂

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my early teens, but I think overall I've managed pretty well on my own..

I'm turning 30 in two months.. and the most amazing thing just happened, I finally moved into my brand new house after 3 years of building misery. I have two beautiful cats, two beautiful bunnies and a pretty good job.

So why aren't I happy? 😞 I feel annoyed at myself, while my life certainly isn't perfect I think its pretty good and most people would be more than happy to have it. Silly me thought once I moved into the house and settled in everything would just be perfect, my own happily ever after..

Unfortunately moving into my new house caused my anxiety to go AWOL.. then my depression decided to join the party. 6 weeks later and I am starting to feel better, but I thought I would try some counseling anyway.. but I don't think it really went well and I'm not convinced I'm going to go back.

I guess what I'm trying to ask (while also introducing myself) is have you ever gotten everything you wanted (or something you wanted) and then found yourself not as happy as you were hoping? What did you do?

[Vitsyra]

Hi Dory,

Thanks for your warm thoughts. I didn't really click with the psychologist, but once I was happy I stupidly thought I was free and clear, so cancelled my sessions..

I have rebooked now, same clinic but different psychologist, mostly cause I need someone on a different day but doesn't hurt I can try a second doctor. Unfortunately its a 4 week wait, praying by then this is a long forgotten nightmare..

I have thought about a room mate, but I'm not good with others XD My sister was thinking of moving in which I was excited by, but after a 3 day stay I'm sort of glad she's changed her mind. I wish I could find the right man to share my place with. I actually do like being on my own when my anxiety is down, I just wish I was closer to friends and family so I could pop by for a coffee, etc.. they are all over an hour away though and I haven't met anyone in my new area yet..

The garden has been a big project. Dad has really been a big help, the whole house has been landscaped, I have plants, tree and turf down, paved steps, a cat run for my girls and starting a herb garden. Also have a lot of indoor pots, love the greenery. It is nice to come home and sit outside with the cats and bunnies and read a book.

Oh, the anxiety has stopped... fingers crossed its for good this time and not only half hour or so.

Hi Mathy,

Yes, it does tend to come and go. I find the depression easier.. yes it makes me miserable and down, but its slower, longer.. anxiety so full on. I hate the tingling, the gut clenching, the fear.. and neverending need to cry.

I don't have anxiety that much, usually in response to an actual event..but this whole house move has shaken me. So I think I was a bit tricked by it, and I thought once I got over the initial move anxiety I would be fine... but guess not, so back to the psychologist.

I am trying a few things, like exercise, positive thinking, eating healthy, spending time with my pets..It doesn't help that I currently have a chest infection, which I've had about 3 weeks and it just isn't clearing up 😞 but am feeling a bit better tonight sharing this with you all.

Thank you!! I will try and update more. I would like to help others, but hopefully sharing what works for me.

[Vitsyra]

Thought I'd do an update.

I saw my new psychologist last week, I think I finally connected with someone!! It was difficult, and left me with a knot in my chest, but I'm not too stressed about going back this week. I liked their thoughts on treatment, and am tentatively hopeful they can help me.

I also decided to do something a little crazy and outside my comfort zone, but that I've wanted to do for a while. I became a foster for a cat rescue group. I met the group last weekend, and joined up.. I've picked up my first foster kitty, and so far so good. The people have been lovely, and the kitty seems okay.. and my own cats aren't too bothered like I thought they might be.. so far so good. I nearly pulled out heaps, but I need to do something and stop giving up before I start on things... so wish me luck, hopefully I can find this sweet kitty a good forever home.

[quirkywords]

Vitsyra,

Hi, I just discovered your thread and am pleased to find your update.

I am glad you connected with your psychologist.

It is wonderful you are a foster cat carer. It sounds like it will be a good thing for you and the kitten.

Thanks for the update. It is so good to hear things are going well for you.

Quirky

[Vitsyra]

Thanks Quirky.

Well second day with kitty, and some problems.. kitty has some behavioural issues, but may not be so bad. Got myself some scratches 😞

I just need to take deep breaths and not freak out, its only been a day XD I just worry too much about everything, trying to practice remaining calm. Second appointment with the psychologist tomorrow, hope we can look at some treatment ideas.. *fingers crossed*

[Mathy]

Hi Vitsyra, so glad you checked back in 🙂

I really like how proactive you’ve been - tried a new psychologist and become a kitty rescue Mum.

You’re great at making decisions and acting on them, I’m in awe of you, and so happy to read this post from you.

I would totally expect a rescue kitty to have some issues, but you seem to be doing a great job of integrating kitty into the feline household, which in my experience, is not an easy thing to do.

I’m writing this on the 7th December, in the wee hours of the morning. I hope your second appointment with the psychologist went well for you.

Please post back, after having introduced us to your rescue kitty, I want to hear more news about how he/she is going, along with how you’re doing, bestest, cheers M 🙂

[Vitsyra]

I will try to keep posting 🙂 At least while I'm mostly up.

As to kitty, she's got a nickname Kiki XD She is very sweet and cuddly. She dislikes my cats, so will need a home without other pets. I do feel bad because she just wants to cuddle, she will curl up in my lap.. but I can't spend too much time with her, as my own cats get grumpy and I work long hours. I have relaxed a bit, and reminding myself that being in my spare room with toys, food and occasional cuddles is still better than a shelter. I just hope she finds the perfect home, she's so precious. I do get impatient, have to stop and remember that these things take time, and she's not going to be adopted over night.. might take months really.

As to the psychologist, went back, went well. Will have a two week break due to work commitments, but I feel like we are getting to the heart of the issue (at least my anxiety issues). I've been given lots to think about. Quite possibly I have meta-anxiety, which I understand basically means I'm so anxious about being anxious.. that I get anxious. There is also an element of avoiding feeling certain emotions, e.g. sad, scared, depressed.. it is very interesting and sounds pretty spot on. Apparently my social anxiety is less in my control than I thought too, I basically struggle with being lonely.. which is different to being alone. I think we are going to start looking at ways to work through these things, though of course when I'm not anxious I feel fine anyways.. but next time it hits will be good to be able to either avoid it or better cope.

I have been having some other issues, mostly to do with stress and work, but haven't really mentioned them to the doctor yet. Basically I get stressed/frustrated, and I feel overwhelmed by my emotions and thoughts, to the point I have my hands over my ears and am telling myself to 'shut up' and 'shush' out loud, which is really just trying to drown out negative thoughts. Makes me look completely crazy, but thankfully no one seems to notice. Lately I have found that sometimes I can't concentrate or deal with really detailed information, get irritated easily and just get 'overwhelmed' with thoughts and feelings, usually bad ones!!

I'm hoping once some stress at work passes, that will stop though.

[Mathy]

Hey V,

Completely understand the issue with Miss rescue kitty, gorgeous as she no doubt is. Yes, she is better off with you, than being in a shelter.

Regarding the meta anxiety and avoidance of mostly other emotions, I understand, have just had a very similar session with my psychologist this week.

Don’t know how it is for you, I’m feeling a bit scared and apprehensive of where this is going to go - yikes!

Anyway, lovely to hear back from you, congrats on how you’re travelling, you sound like you’re in the groove and doing well, bestest M 🙂

[CLMFP]

Hi Vitsyra,

Thanks for fostering! I did it for a couple of years and it was a great feeling to help those cats/kittens. I had to stop because i felt I didn't have enough time to share with my fosters and my two cats. It definitely makes it more difficult when you can't have all the animals in the same room together, so you have to kind of ignore one to give love to another.

My perspective on my anxiety and depression is that it will always be with me, I am just getting better at managing it. They only tend to pop up in stressful or unexpected situations, which has happened right now (my old cat had to be euthanised a few days ago).

When I notice that I'm crying a lot or getting irritated very easilly then that means my anxiety and depression is taking me over. It's an awful feeling, not being able to control yourself. I find myself not wanting to feel better sometimes because of their fear of feeling better and thinking everything is going well and then something happens again to bring me down.

How are you going socially? I have socially isolated myself which makes me and my emotions feel more lonely. I like being alone but I don't like feeling lonely. Hoping to see my psychiatrist soon to re-evaluate my medication and therapy.

I hope you're doing well..

[Vitsyra]

Things have been going well.

Have been seeing my new psychologist regularly.

And now its Christmas 🙂 and I have 3 weeks off work... which I am happy about.

But I'm worried about my anxiety triggering while I'm at home.. when I'm at work, busy, busy weekends it doesn't have much opportunity... but 3 weeks sitting around the house alone..

And I'm worried that my worrying will trigger my anxiety 😞

[Mathy]

Hey V,

Good to hear from you again 🙂 And may I wish you a happy festive season 🙂

Perhaps planning/writing down a schedule might be an idea? Nothing too restrictive, because it’s 3 weeks of R & R, after all. Just enough to put some structure into your days. I seem to recall that you have a garden you want to make happen - perhaps some thoughts on what you want and how you’re going to go about making that happen? Some social things - coffee with friends. Some relaxation things - research a new hobby and how to get into that in the new year?

Also distraction - this is good for anxiety - TV, going for a walk, playing with kitties, ignoring the housework, listening to music, etc .... I find this helps a lot!

Drop into the Christmas thread in the social part of the forum ...

It’s you first Christmas in your much wanted, loved, new house. I wish you all the very bestest! , cheers M 🙂