What direction to take

Cro77 · ‎02-11-2021

There is a lot rattling around in my head so i will try and get it all out there. I am on the spectrum too so not a great communicator and socialite at the best of times. Been with my wife for 18 years, married for 16 years. She has 3 daughters from a previous marriage and we don't have any together. She is now in her early 50's and I am 8 years younger. All the girls are now grown up and left home. We (or maybe more me) seem to have been getting more disconnected/distant as time goes by. There seems to be very little we want to do together now. She spends most of the time we are at home together either on Facebook or watching Netflix/Stan etc. I have said on numerous occasions this is really frustrating but I keep getting laughed off. I am an Operations Manager of a business and work has been really demanding and draining for a number of years but i have started to get very tired and am losing my normal high level of concentration to a point in the last few weeks/months where i have started to feel quite emotional at times. It never lasts long and only happens once every few days but it is a very strange feeling and leaves me fighting back tears. I don't know whether this is work related (i enjoy work), relationship related or a combination. I don't have a lot of friends and have lost interest doing things i used to enjoy such as camping, fishing etc. A couple of weeks ago i spent a night out with a few work colleagues and spent most of the night talking to another woman (never met here before) who has the same interests, is of similar age and made it a very enjoyable night just to talk for hours. This has me second guessing my life to date and where it needs to head. As all couples do, my wife and i argue occasionally and has happened on occasions before she said she is going to leave. Normally I do whatever i can to resolve the situation but after i spent some time processing this (emotions normally take some time for me to process) i am probably content to let this take its own course. In the past i think i have been very concerned about being alone but now i may feel a little differently. Am i out of line by willing to accept this and should i fight for my marriage. Torn about the reasoning for my low feelings. Is it work, relationship or a combination that is getting me down. I just dont know what to do.

Cro77 · ‎02-11-2021

Yes, there is definately a chance my work pressure has been taken home and has impacted our relationship. i may be wrong but think our disconnect started well before work had started to creep up on me, although it may have started before i have noticed a difference. We went to therapy some time ago when it became apparent i was on the spectrum and although it pinpointed very quickly why i lacked social skills and was a terrible communicator, my wife was very uncomfortable and refused to go after the second session.

Yes she may also be going through something i dont know about but i struggle getting my own feelings out and although i have tried in the past i dont seem to be able to articulate or drive the conversation in order to find out if she is having issues.

Will try and instigate a discussion when i get home tonight and see where it goes. I really appreciate the varied points of view you have provided and will try to have some discussions to see where we are at. Your comments have certainly given me some stability in my own thoughts and helped me understand more about both sides of the coin. I am still quite confused about how i feel but can only try the best with the skills i have. Thanks a lot.

Isabella_ · ‎02-11-2021

I see. And I think you're completely right, you can only try your best with the skills you have in this complex situation, and I hope you can find contentment with knowing that you're doing what you're able to right now.

I'm glad I've helped you in some way. It's great that you're going to try to talk to her tonight. Feel free to check in and share how the conversation went.

Exploring your feelings is never linear and I think you're doing a good job of discovering your thoughts and feelings.