What can I do?

[Backstreet]

Hello, this is my first post I'm sorry if it is a bit confusing.

Just recently I got to know this girl from college, we started talking and hit it off, I really liked her and began flirting. It was around then that I found out my best friend also liked this girl quite a lot and knew her before I did. I discovered however that this girl liked me and not my friend, this made me happy but also sad that I had pretty much come in and stolen her from my friend. I decided to speak to my friend about this and my intentions with the girl, I was extremely anxious about doing this and had lost sleep thinking about it. However, I worked up the courage to talk to him about it and we sorted it out and he gave me peace of mind. Fast forward a couple of weeks, I now discover that I am having second thoughts about this girl, which frustrated me because I was so adamant that I liked this girl and there was a foreseeable future with her. I'm not sure now that I want to be with her now, which is stupid because I had just sorted it out with my friend. I am now wracking my brain on what to do, whether to break up or to keep going and hope that the more I get to know her the more I'll like her. At the moment, however, I am finding myself wanting to be alone more and more, sinking into video games and smoking weed to ignore the problems. I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads where both situations no matter what I do make me in the wrong. I know the best option is to talk to her about it, but even the thought of looking at her with the intent to do so makes me sick. Talking about the situation now makes it seem, petty and childish and I should just man up and do what's right but every time I think of it I just want to stop existing all together. Sorry if that was a rant or it went off topic but I don't know how else to express what I am feeling.

Any opinion at all would be amazing help please and thank you.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Backstreet,

You sound as though you’re feeling conflicted, exhausted and perhaps lost. I understand it’s a very difficult situation with multiple layers...

I think you were very brave to have that open conversation with your friend. I realise it can be very painful when two friends like the same person, but based on what you’re saying, I feel you handled it beautifully and respectfully with your friend. I admire that...

It sounds like you really liked that girl, but that you’re feeling uncertain at the moment. Sorry, just to clarify, you are currently dating, right? Sorry, I’m only asking as I want to make sure that I haven’t misread or misunderstood your current situation.

I think, even if a person likes their partner, feelings can come and go. Just because your feelings aren’t always as strong doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship isn’t “working” (though it can mean that), especially if it’s a fairly new relationship.

I wonder if it would help to try to maybe figure out what is driving those feelings of uncertainty before speaking to her. E.g. is part of it lingering, subconscious guilt because there’s still a part of you that feels you’ve unintentionally hurt your friend? Is it because you’re exhausted from other things (e.g. college, etc) and are projecting some of that into the relationship? Is it something about you as a couple that is making you unsure (e.g. you’ve discovered you have some very different values)?

Etc, etc. I’m not saying it’s necessarily any of those above issues, but I was just using them as examples...

I suppose what I’m getting at is maybe trying to understand some of your own feelings/why you feel the way you do will help. I think that it will help guide you further down the track in terms of what you want to do with the relationship e.g. stay together, break-up, etc.

I hope this gives you some ideas and is hopefully a little comforting and reassuring. Thanks so much for courageously opening up here.

Feel free to write in any time to chat, vent, ask questions, etc. That said, no pressure to share more than you want to though.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper