Venting to a Forum because its better than nothing.

[SoEmptyInside]

Its one of those nights again, im sitting alone in bed in tears asking myself when was the last time I smiled or felt something other than this numbness and the truth is I honestly dont know but I know havent even laughed in years. I havent felt love or any sense of worth in what seems like forever.

Im in a relationship that I feel more disconnected from now then I ever have in our 8 years together. We do nothing but move backwards, we are in the same place we were 8 years ago except all attempts of communication, intimacy and affection are gone. All i have is happiness in my dreams, in made up situations with strangers there for me where no one else is.

I have a family that doesnt care to see me in years let alone say hi or happy birthday. They have all left me to live elsewhere without looking back just like those I use to call my friends. The ones I use to message all the time with promises of catching up And yet I dont receive so much as a reply. I never thought Id be the girl with not 1 single friend in the world. I dont understand how I ever got here because I would and have given anything and everything to those I love and even to strangers in the hope that they could one day be there for me. They never were.

I thought that starting a new job would make this all go away and while I love my job, I am again immediately ignored and disregarded by those I try to befriend with a friendly smile or hello. What is it about me that makes me so unapproachable, so difficult to love or even so much as aknowledge..

The only thing that used to work was weed but I have quit that for a long time now in the hope that it would make me stronger, make the bad things go away.. months later it only ever gets worse but the reality is that no drug can fix the pain I've felt for over 15 years, bandaids never fox our hurting.

Talking to a councillor doesn't work, even they dont seem to care to listen, nothing they've ever said has helped. No one will ever understand how the world disregards me.

While things for me will never change, maybe venting lifes problems here will help me feel something even if its just for a moment.

Wishing that i'll find something worth living for one day because I dont know how much longer wishing and hoping can go on.

[white knight]

Hi welcome,

Thankyou for being so open. I to find counsellors too structured. In some occasions one partner could be totally wrong in their acts but aren't told directly by the counsellor.

Anyway when you have family or friends that leave you one needs to take a philosophical view. Firstly, accept that some friend just don't visit others. Its a busy world for working couples esp with kids. It doesn't mean they don't like you.

Also, some have issues that we don't know about. And often they don't know about.

Google. Topic: so what are their mental illnesses- beyondblue

We are all responsible for our own well being this includes hobbies, sport and various firms of stimulation.

Topic: feeding your brain- beyondblue

For some of us being positive isn't natural. If we are raised in a negative or abusive home we are programmed as such.

Topic: being positive, what's the secret?- beyondblue

Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue

Finally, a word about work. Work is just that, it isn't a place to expect my happiness from in terms of social needs.

Pave your own path to happiness. Happiness won't seek you out.

Tony WK

[SittingWaitingWishing]

I completely empathise with you, for a minute it felt like I was reading my own story. You're not alone, and what you're feeling (as well as going through) is completely valid. We're the sensitive ones, the kind of people that's too hard to deal with because there's too much on our plate for others to help out with. I agree with Tony, however, happiness is never a destination but rather a journey. If you ever try to move in with happiness, you'll be out the front door before you know it; that's just the dynamics of "happiness". I also have those lonely nights just crying until the feeling subsides, only to cry again later. There's nothing worse than loneliness, it's when the lights are on but there's no one home.. It's my first time on BB so I'm not sure if users can contact each other or not but feel free to contact me if you so wish to connect with someone. You're not alone, I can't stress that enough. Somewhere out there is someone who is fighting a silent battle, too. I don't know what life has a head or if it will ever get better, honestly, but trust in the time and process of everything and perhaps it will sort itself out. Atleast that's what I'm hoping anyway, take care xox

[white knight]

Hi SWW, welcome

Thankyou for posting.

Forum rules don't permit personal contact. There are however thousands if threads here that you can read...a treasure trove of information.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

I apologise for high jacking your thread SoEmptyInside...

SittingWaitingWishing, welcome and what a kind and understanding first post....It would be great if you could stick around the forums..

my kind thoughts, Paul

[TiredDownOut]

I understand how you feel.( Except for the weed, my poison of choice is alcohol, which I too am trying to quit.) I sometimes think wouldn't it be good if all the lonely people could connect with each other! But alas, we are not allowed. I am also 4 months into a new job. It seemed perfect for the first 3 months and then suddenly people stopped telling me how great I was and how much they appreciated me. Now I feel totally alone again. Yep, the honeymoon is over. Why does it have to be? The job motivated me for a while now I feel useless again as I get told everything I'm doing wrong. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. But just know you're not alone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Tired

Hello and a warm welcome to Beyond Blue. Welcome also to SoEmptyInside. Loneliness is horrible and I sad that both of you are in this place.

Tired, I have a suggestion for you. I am making this from my knowledge of myself and how I frequently get despondent because "no one wants me". In your new job you were encouraged and supported for three months while you settled in. That makes the people you work with very kind and caring. After three months they paid you the compliment of not assisting you or giving you pats on the back simply because they all knew you were managing the work well.

Everyone likes compliments, I know I do. We cannot live on being told how good or nice we are because others cannot keep saying it you. If someone said this to me frequently I would start to wonder why. So my suggestion is to look at situations like this and try to see what is really happening. Are you working well, has anyone told you that your work is below standard? If the answer is no then you need to look for other reasons for not being congratulated.

So your reasoning goes like this. I know I do my job well, these people helped me to fit in here, no one has said I don't work properly, maybe I should look at what I am doing. I know you have said this in a way in your posts but this time really look. Do you 'fish' for compliments, do you talk too much instead of working, do you look unhappy all the time? You may be doing this so smile and look as though you are happy generally. Talk in a cheerful manner and avoid telling anyone about your troubles. See how much difference this makes.

Love to read a post from you in return.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hello So Empty Inside, Sitting Waiting Wishing and Tired Down Out,

Wishing you all a warm welcome to the community here on this forum. As already mentioned, it is not possible for people to contact each other personally outside of this forum. That does not mean that you can not communicate with each other here and form an on line friendship on the forum.

If you so desire, you can connect with each other and others joining in as often as you like. If you pop on over to the social zone, and have a look at the BB Café, you will see there are people who use that thread to keep in touch and chat about whatever.

You can do the same here. You may find ways to encourage and support each other.

Loneliness can be a battle for many people. My husband enjoys his own company. I realised that years ago. So I find ways to make myself content and happy. Some of those include

Reading-I can escape into any situation I want for a while

Drawing/painting/colouring/arts and crafts/watch a comedy DVD/gardening and so on.

Regarding trying to meet new people, for me I keep my expectations to a reasonable level. I finding asking people about themselves helps. Smiling may not come naturally all of the time, but the more you smile the more easier you find it to be. People will be more receptive to a smile.

I volunteer at the Riding for the Disabled. I know nothing about horses. I am learning, sometimes the hard way. I have learnt to accept what I thought to be criticism from others, to realise I need to let go of that feeling and accept people are just trying to help me. I now ask questions and ask for help when I don't understand something.

Regarding relationships, there are many "100 things to do to improve your relationship" posts on the internet. Have a look at some of those and see what might be achievable.

When trying to catch up with friends, set a firm date and time. You might like to invite friends to join you at a movie perhaps. Specify the date and time. Open invitations are more likely to feel non committal. If they are unable to join you, go anyway. Treat yourself to coffee and cake or popcorn or what ever while you are at it. Do it for yourself.

I've raved on quite a bit here! Time for me to go and catch up with my friends at Church.

Cheerio from Mrs. Dools

[TiredDownOut]

No I don't believe I fish for compliments nor do I talk too much other than about what is work related. I work in customer service so am constantly smiling at people. I do my best not to burden others with my problems even though I may listen to theirs. So I guess I will just accept treating others how you would like them to treat you doesn't work afterall.

[White_Rose]

Hello EmptyInside and Tired

I must apologised to both of you. I was writing early this morning and obviously my brain was not engaging properly. My comments were for Empty, not Tired. I am so sorry if I upset you Tired by seeming to reply to you.

Mary