Hi Bee40
Sounds like you feel you might be reaching some kind of breaking point. I feel for you so much as the emotions that come with such a point begin to really challenge you in a lot of ways.
Wondering if your sister is your 'go to' person for helping you make sense of things, putting things into perspective. I find when I sit down and chat with my sister, whether it's me facing some challenge or her or the both of us at the same time, we often manage to make sense of things together. We hit on a lot of revelations we may never consider when trying to work things out alone. While I can try to convince myself 'I got this, it's not as bad as I think', sometimes my inner sage will chime in with 'You're struggling, you need help and you know it' or the intolerant cow in me (one of my favourite no bull facets that I love) may demand 'Enough is enough! How bad do you want things to get?! Get your sh** together and speak to someone'. My inner cow's a bit of a potty mouth.😅
Being a gal who's managed ins and outs of depression over the last few decades, not long ago I reached the conclusion 'I can feel when I'm in a depressing/potentially depressing challenge' and that's not my fault (that I can feel it). While some people love to label sensitivity as perhaps being our greatest fault or flaw , you could really say it points to our ability to feel where we're at. Whether it involves a seriously depressing vitamin or mineral deficiency (that leaves us with next to no energy with which to feel life), a depressing relationship, some really challenging depressing and/or anxiety inducing inner dialogue, a depressing lack of dopamine, a depressing level of exhaustion, a depressing lack of direction that can feel soul destroying or some other challenge that's being experienced in mental, physical or soulful ways, we can feel that kind of stuff when it reaches or nears intolerable levels.
Sometimes I find guides in life to be an absolute must. When the thought comes to mind, in one way or another, 'I just don't know how to do life', finding someone to light the way is a must. Whether they're bringing things to light in the way of greater consciousness and self understanding (aka much needed enlightenment) or they're leading us forward through their vision of what we need, when we can't see the way, sometimes it can feel impossible to do life without a really good guide.❤️
