Unsure if I need help

[krs04]

This is my first time posting anything like this - I just am feeling lower each day / week / month / year. Each year I think "this is it" and something good will happen. It doesn't. I feel like more things keep happening to me. I sometimes feel like I am just a lazy whinger, but other times I think that should one more thing happen, I won't be able to cope. I live in a constant angry, bitter state, I hear the news on TV and just think this world sucks. My life hasn't been a hard one, but I have gone through a LOT in my 35 years and I'm angry that others don't haven't gone through what I have, yet they have everything I long for. I KNOW there are people going through WAY worse than I am, I shouldn't complain, I have a roof over my head, and food in my belly and a son I love. But I can't stop hating my life. In a nutshell - my father died when I was 5 - I was bullied to the point of contemplating suicide in grade 8. They bashed me, spread rumours, and told me I was "ugly, worthless, and nobody would ever want to be with me or marry me" - we were homeless for 6 months after a con man took everything my mother had - I suffered anorexia for 2 years - I failed uni due to extreme anxiety - I suffered from a major health condition at 27 - Cushing's Disease, leading to 2 brain surgeries & 6 weeks of radiation - I know have a life-long medical condition requiring medication. I've had 2 miscarriages - My partner of 4 years broke up with me a week before my 30th birthday (after I thought he was going to propose) saying he was still not sure I was the "the one"- we got back together 4 months later only for him to leave me again - I then found out I was pregnant & had a child - we tried to make it work but he abused me emotionally, continually breaking promises and getting drunk - now unable to have more children - partner is back with his married ex-girlfriend who I always felt like he was waiting to come back to him, which is why I was never "the one" for him. I constantly am in tears, I feel so worthless. I now overeat and use food as comfort, which, with my medical stuff, keeps me piling on weight. I feel ugly, worthless, and should I ever meet another man, I cannot give him children of his own. All I ever wanted was a family, I see my friends with their husbands - they haven't gone through what I have. I really feel like I can't take any more - but question is this depression or just a big case of the "feel sorry for myself". I don't know what to do.

[blondguy]

Hello KRS04

Welcome to the Forums and good on you for posting too!

You have been through more than many people and you are not feeling sorry for yourself in any way. I have had acute anxiety and then depression for years. I am a volunteer on the forums and your symptoms are the same as what mine were...Depression is no different to a physical illness....

I saw a community health worker (a psychiatric nurse years ago) and now see my GP and a counselor on a regular basis. You mentioned that you are constantly in tears and feeling worthless...This is dreadful place to be in Krs04.

I am not sure if you have a good GP that you get along with, but that would be an excellent place to start.

You have been through so much pain....heaps of it. I really do hope that you can help yourself heal by starting to get some regular counseling. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain 🙂

There are also many kind people like yourself on the forums that can be here for you. You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish...I really hope you can.

My kindest thoughts for you Krs04

Paulx

[krs04]

Thank you Paul for your response - I had a really bad night and while I would never do anything to myself, I almost wished I could just so I didn't have to be me anymore. I am just so full of anger - the things I want in my life aren't superficial "man I wish I had a big car or a new house or a million dollars". I am broke (actually had to declare bankruptcy due to enormous debt thanks to a unit I brought with my partner along with having to put everything on my credit cards), I will be moving in with my mother for financial support in two weeks, all that I don't care. I just want to be loved and feel loved. I want a family. I see women and the first thing I notice is their wedding rings - somebody loved them enough to want them as their wife. The bullies in grade 8 taunted me, saying I was disgusting and nobody would ever want me or marry me - my partner has all but confirmed that to me. Not once was I good enough to marry. I have my son, true. Him and I are a family. But the idea of the "why aren't you and Daddy Married?" "Why do you live in separate houses?" "Why do you have a different last name to me?" questions breaks my heart over and over. I feel like I have nothing to offer anybody - I work for my ex-partner's father's business, with him and his father and stepmother - I cannot escape them. I have been looking for alternative work for over a year. Nothing. Not even a call back for an interview. And then I got a new job, was so excited, to move forward, take a step in moving on - meeting new people. I worked for them for a week, was thrilled that something good had finally happened to me, I was heading towards some happy times, and they found out about my medical issues and they decided to "not continue the position". They of course covered their butts and claimed it was due to my lack of retail experience, but I have excellent customer service skills so I know that's not it. They changed their tune once they found out about my medical history. Not only will it hinder me having more children, meeting somebody - it's cost me a job. I seriously just feel trapped and worthless with nothing to offer.

I will take your advice and see my GP, who luckily is wonderful, has known me for years and was the one who clicked that I had a serious medical issue (my Cushings). So off to her I go.

[blondguy]

Hey Krs04

You have a truckload of things happening....especially working in your ex-partners fathers business....ouch!

You may have medical issues....its just so sad that people cant see that you (and me) wear 'invisible crutches'

I really hope you can stick around 🙂

Paulx