Since I was about 12 years old I have felt like I have undiagnosed Depression and Anxiety, and of recent years I suspect ADD to some degree as I have started to learn more about the disorder.
But try as I might I have never been able to bring myself to seek a diagnosis as I have always been a very introspective and hyper-critical person who can identify the root and cause of most of my issues, so I have white-knuckled it for years. I feel like I know exactly what got me to this state when it flares up the worst, as it is almost always a result of poor choices on my behalf, or just plain bad luck.
I was severely bullied all through Primary and High School, to a horrendous extent both in person and Online in High School in particular. Part of it came at a result of my own poor choices, but regarding events that took place Outside of school and did not involve any students there. The things I went through sound like a Teen movie when I recall them to friends.
As I grew older, I would fall into despair as relationships ended, my creative endeavours failed, and now I have come to a point where I have given up on all my dreams as nothing ever works out. I am a very creative person but I feel like in this modern age of AI and over-saturation of online content, I have no chance in h*ll of making it doing anything I love.
And so I've packed it all in and reluctantly tried to come to grips with reality that I may have to work a mundane, dull 9-5 and have to learn to be okay with it. I never had any interests outside of creative hobbies and so I have nothing to fall back on.
And I live in a constant state of anger, resentment towards creators online or artists - fully aware it's my own jealousy, and hatred for captilism. I have never believed humans were meant to just be stuck in jobs they hate and then retire and die. IT deeply upsets me.
So all this to say, it's hard for me to bring myself to seek a diagnosis, as I feel like I am just reluctant to grow up and get with the program so to speak. That if I got the h*ck over my "immature mindset" I wouldn't break down and cry every time I'm faced with responsibilities and the pressures of adult life. Maybe I am the problem, and maybe I'm Not mentally ill, but have just convinced myself I am all these years...
