Failed again

[Jane]

I am over my life It’s one failure after another I think I try hard but I never succeed why are people like me born it’s just pain and disappointment i work hard but get nowhere other people in my situation would have achieved something I’ve done nothing if I didn’t have to care for a relative I would be happy dead

[white knight]

Hi Jane

Im sorry, you do seem really down atm. I dont know all your details but I can answer your post generally. 

A famous prime minister Malcolm Fraser said "life wasnt meant to be easy". I would agree but in some cases I'd add "... and some of us have to make appropriate decisions to improve our lives".

So to do this we need to plan and change our community accepted mindset. These changes can be radical-why so? Well its simple logic Jane, if you are having suicidal thoughts then that has to stop at all costs and radical actions albeit legal, need to be considered. 

Eg many years ago I met a hitch-hiker that left his wife and baby as he found her in bed with his mate. He told me he was suicidal. His destination? It didnt matter where. 6 months later he called me. He'd got a job on an outback sheep station, he was the cook. His assistant became his new girlfriend and he'd returned to visit his baby. He survived by a radical change in environment and space.

You are caring for a relative, you really have a big maybe fragile heart. Have you considered if you can alter this situation? I dont know the level of care you do so cant speculate. We had my MIL with us for 8 months before she passed, her last 2 months in aged care and she was elated there.

Feel free to talk further. I might be able to help more.

"Suicidal thoughts are thoughts of desperation, the situation must change to ensure your future continues to improve..."

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi Jane

I feel for you so much. This sounds like such and overwhelming and incredibly challenging time in your life. I'm glad you've come here to express your pain, as opposed to keeping it all inside while trying to manage it alone.

Not sure if it will help to know but as a 55yo gal I've worked out so many different reasons over the years as to why I tend to fail at certain things. A few examples, when it comes to reasons for struggling at times can involve

• As Tony points to, having a big heart can come with challenges. Being someone who feels or senses easily and deeply, definitely comes with challenges. While this is an incredible ability to have, it's one that demands skill development. The skill of managing the volume dial or the on/off switch when it comes to feeling/sensing, is a skill I'm still trying to master myself. Just when I think I've mastered it and can't feel an insult someone throws my way or can't feel the impact of my inner critic, BAMM, I find out I still have more work to do when it comes to achieving next level ability as a feeler or sensitive. Not passing certain tests means there's more study or learning to be done before I can graduate
• Other people's inability to facilitate our growth can be another factor. While there can be brilliant guides in life, if we're coming across a lot of the kinds of people who are taking us south (in completely the wrong direction), we're technically not finding those who are pointing us toward our true north or a direction that promotes and supports our growth. Some folk really can be quite misguiding and depressing, that's for sure
• In no way am I playing the blame game with this one, just finding reasons for certain struggles. The way we're raised can play a major part. Whether certain facets of us are developed or not can make a huge difference. If our inner risk taker, inner sage, inner optimist, inner disciplinarian, inner visionary etc were brought to life in us from the beginning (by parents, teachers, other adults or guides) such facets become our life long resources. Without such inner resources or 'go to' facets of self, what does our inner dialogue sound like? Btw, a super biggy in the way of inner resources can involve the intuitive part of ourself, that which relies on feeling/sensing. If our feelings or emotional sensations have often been dismissed, shut down or harshly criticised, one of our greatest resources remains untapped and underdeveloped

If we rely on our ability to feel/sense (especially from an intuitive angle), rely on certain people to inspire, raise us and point us in the right direction, rely on certain facets of ourself and none of those things which can help us thrive are there, the struggle can be massive at times. The lack of that which we rely on can definitely become depressing.

Earlier in my life, throughout long term depression, I used to often think 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so broken?'. Can't pinpoint exactly when it happened but one day I woke up to the fact 'If I have the ability to feel (from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other), this means I have the ability to feel something depressing going on'. My feelings are telling me 'There is something depressing going on that needs your attention'. I find all feelings are telling. Whether it involves physical/chemical factors, mental factors or natural/soulful or soul destroying factors or a combo, it can involve some serious detective work at times. Personally, I've found the clues and constructive revelations help pave the way toward true north or move me along the spectrum toward a new or different range of feelings. Finding someone to partner me in my detective work can not only halve the work, it also holds the potential to fast track me toward much needed revelations. I'm in no way a fan of making progress at a snail's pace. That kinda just feels hopeless and excruciating.

There is so much more to you Jane, more than you perhaps imagine. I imagine you have so many untapped abilities. I also imagine you're feeling just so incredibly exhausted. 'Exhausted of energy' can also be felt as 'numb'.

[Jane]

Thanks but that not me. My life is over I have done that before picked myself and tried again but I know my life doesn’t get better  I have less money less people I know I can’t afford to live safely in Australia I’m not Rick or young enough or pretty enough where I live has been taken over by Rick people from Sydney I no longer belong where I have lived my whole life I don’t belong anywhere I’m over this place I just want out it’s a rational decision

[Jane]

Thank you but there is nothing more to me I have given all I have and it’s not enough I’m not enough I know even if I try again I will fail that’s what I do most of us don’t matter we are just fodder for the machine to walk there pets clean there houses wash their cars pay their taxes we are pointless and in a few years when we all loose our jobs to ai they won’t know what to do with us better dead now than later

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Jane,

I know at times it can feel hopeless and that there is no way forward. I have been there several times myself. One thing I have learned, is the value of reaching out and connecting with others. That is why it is great you have reached out here. Even though a significant part of you may not see a way out at the moment, the fact that you have reached out here shows that part of you still wants to engage at some level and wants to connect. As hard as it may be to see right now, that is really meaningful.

I have been in some desperate situations, including losing my capacity to work and all of my savings in 2005 due to a severe pain condition. Over time, I somehow found my way back. I began to connect with others through shared interests, such as writing and playing music. I joined a singing group. Despite the enormous pain I was in, I managed to study a teacher assistant course part time at TAFE and slowly found my way back into work. It was rewarding seeing I could make a difference to the kids and over time my pain levels improved and my quality of life as well. I have since been through many other struggles, including being a carer, as you are now. I have definitely struggled with how to keep going numerous times and have asked the very same question as you - why was I born into this world? But every single time I have found connection of one kind or another has been the answer to pulling through. I am glad I am still here and would be sorry to miss the things in life I actually enjoy if I wasn't here.

I guess what I am saying is life is always in flux and it is by its very nature challenging. When things feel impossible, it is worth trying that one more time. I know it can feel really, really hard. I have used helplines quite a bit including Lifeline and the Suicide Callback Service. The latter I have found best when feeling most desperate. They are good at providing grounding and safety. I have found it helps to also understand the roots of depression and suicidality, and they will be particular to each individual. Coming to know and care for yourself through compassion is of enormous value. Finding a good therapist, which can take time, can also be helpful if they are attuned and present with you. They can help with identifying the source of what is driving a sense of hopelessness and that can be the beginning of realising there are some sparks of hope through understanding your own inner processes. They can also provide a sense of validation and co-regulation which can be quite healing. It's also important to look at any medical reasons that may be contributing as well. For example, in the last few years I've had severe mental health symptoms related to perimenopause and by treating those with a hormone specialist doctor, things have improved - not perfect yet, but certainly better. Sometimes, when we can locate the core reasons for why we feel so bad we can regain some agency to do something about it.

I would not worry about comparing yourself to others with regard to achievements. All that matters is that you are able to care for you and know you are of value. Often we can think others are better off, and in some ways they may be, but very often in other ways they are also struggling in their own lives. Can you ask yourself, what do you love doing and what matters most to you? What small things can you do today, even in this moment, that bring you some peace? I remember a psychologist once saying to me that I can ask myself, what is it that I really need right now? Coming back to the present moment, hearing the sounds around us, seeing where the light is falling, realising we are actually safe and okay right now, is sometimes the beginning of knowing we are actually okay and in each moment going forward we can continue to be okay. What do you need right now in this moment? It can be something as simple as a cup of tea or a rest, whatever is true for you, and that simple kindness to yourself can begin to lift the burden.

Just keep reaching out, especially if you find yourself spiralling inwards. I have found persisting until I've found the right connections has been the answer, over and over. If you try to connect one way and it doesn't work, just keep going until you can feel the right connection when it happens. It's like gradually learning the dance of how to live a more peaceful and fulfilling life even amidst the challenges. You are worth it.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray