Trying to support someone who keeps pushing me away

[Guest_75865734]

I’m confused about a person suffering the spiral of depression. they’re good one minute then absent the next. They go no contact for days at a time and won’t respond to messages checking in, sometimes they blame me for their behaviour. This last episode has lasted almost 4 weeks and while I’ve been supportive for months, this last episode feels a little more than I can take. 

To be clear we were in a relationship, they probably still think we are but I’ve mentally and emotionally checked out. I feel bad about this and I’m angry, upset and hurt. I feel like a ping pong ball, never really sure what any second will bring and I’m exhausted. I’ve tried to be supportive, reached out for help in their roughest days but they’re reluctant to seek help but keep pushing me away. They keep telling me they love me but then leave me hanging like I’m a convenience and I can’t keep doing this. I want to be supportive, maybe even feel obligated, definitely feel like I have a duty of care but it’s pulling me down being treated this way. I’m struggling with feeling like I need to step away but not wanting to be yet another person who’s abandoned them. They’re also not very good at opening up, instead holding things close to their chests which makes me feel like I don’t really know them. 
It’s a confusing place to be. I don’t know where to turn or what to do just that I can’t keep going in what feels like this cruel cycle. I’ve experienced mental health issues in my lifetime but I’m at a loss with this situation.

any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[Scared]

Hi.

Firstly your mental health comes first.

You cannot be a supportive friend if you too are getting sick.

Its a good trait to have being kind to another but being kind to yourself comes first.  I cannot see any reason you need to stop being supportive as long as you know how to do this the healthy way.

Empathy for another is understanding their hardship and being supportive without getting so lost in their issues.

For Eg.  If your friend is say suffering grief and or depression you can find useful help for them and relay that to them.  You are still there for them but you build a safe distance from them to keep yourself healthy. Duty of care means you call police if you think someone is in danger not you going there to save them.

Duty of care means handing the problem over to professional people.

Every body is in charge of their own changes or to seek help.  Its not your fault or responsibility if your friend doesnt want to seek help.  Its his job.

Maybe he needs to isolate and that is their way of protecting themself.

A simple text from you saying " hi how are you feeling today " is all you need to do once a week or so.

You sound like a great person but its ok to think about yourself more.

Your job is to protect your mental health

[Daydreamer70]

 Hi there, 

I just wanted to first of all say how strong you are. Having someone close to you dealing with an illness like depression is incredibly difficult and can take a huge toll on your own mental wellbeing. It seems in this case, you are hitting a point where you are taking on maybe more than you can manage. I have had people very close to me who experience this cycle of depression and the hardest part is you know it is not their fault. They are sick and it is not their true selves. It hurts even more when you try your absolute hardest to help and make things better for them, but at the end of the day it is their mind. There is only so much you can say or do for a person to help. This may sound harsh, but it is not your responsibility to save a person from themselves. you can give all the resources and extend all the empathy in the world, but if they are not willing to help themselves there is nothing more you can do. Accepting this does not make you a bad person. It does however create a necessary boundary to protect your own wellbeing. 

In my experience, I keep extending a hand to these people in my life. I let them know im here in small ways I know does not go unnoticed. I continue to empathise and be present. But I do not let it consume me and I do not take their cruelty personally if I am the subject of their projections. Non of this means you love them any less. It enables you to show them MORE love, because you are protecting yourself and your ability to show up 100% for them when they need it. 

I hope this helps in some way. Depression is a horrible illness for all involved, but especially for the person experiencing it. I remind myself of this, and it keeps me showing up without feeling hurt or resentment when it gets hard. Just make sure to create boundaries you stick by no matter what to protect yourself. 

Kindest regards, 

Daydreamer70. 

[therising]

I feel for you so much as you face the many challenges of supporting someone with depression while also trying to navigate your own mental health in relation to their depression. To say this can be far from easy can be an understatement. 

With everything all rolled into one, you're trying to manage so much. With an unraveling of that ball of complexity, you're facing 

• A sense of uncertainty 
• A sense of abandonment, as she leaves you alone to work things out for herself
• A sense of confusion
• A sense of rejection, as she rejects your approaches and suggestions in trying to raise her
• A sense of entitlement, as she feels entitled to not have to give you the reasons for why she leaves you alone for days or weeks at a time
• A sense of secrecy, as she holds so much close to her chest

and more. So much can definitely feel overwhelming, especially if we're a sensitive person who can feel everything we're sensing. On top of all you're sensing in regard to your partner and the relationship, you're also sensing your own feelings (frustration, stress, disappointment etc). I wouldn't be surprised if it all feels a little sickening in a way. It's amazing how one little word like 'because' can reveal so much. 'I'm sick of all this' becomes 'I'm sick because of all this'.

When it comes to laying blame, I've found it's more helpful to find reasons rather than blame. While she may blame you for how she feels at times, it would be more productive for her to find the reasons for why she's led to feel the way she does at times with you. To offer an example of what I mean, I'll offer my husband's approach to when I'm feeling down. When he asks me if I'm okay and I tell him I'm feeling deeply depressed, he always says 'It upsets me to hear that. I love you so much and it really upsets me when you're feeling like this'. Then he'll go off to feel less upset while leaving me to feel down. I don't blame him for me feeling further down, I prefer to acknowledge the reason for why I do (being left alone to work things out for myself). Took me years to work out the reason why he does this. It's based on him not being able to manage deeply challenging emotions. While I find not a lot is achieved through blame, much can be achieved through a developed sense of reasoning (aka 'becoming more reason-able). Maybe she blames you for getting her to try and dig as deep as she needs to go. In some cases, digging deep needs to happen in order to become more conscious of what is depressing.

Self isolation is something I can relate to. While I used to think it was about shutting everyone out, I came to discover it's about going inward. As a consequence of going inward, people become shut out. In all fairness to you, she needs to be able to say to you or warn you 'I can feel myself entering into a time of deep self reflection'. The text message responses from her don't need to be anything extensive. In response to 'I love you', she could text back 'Thanks' if she's not feeling the love or in response to 'You okay', she could text back 'I'm okay but having a challenging day' or 'I'm not okay but I'm working on it. Thanks'. As someone who cycles through depressing challenges (as those cycles raise my level of consciousness and ability in life), those who love me can also feel those cycles in a number of ways, especially during the darkest part of the cycle. I feel for you so much as you feel a challenging cycle of your own.