I should be happy with my life but…

[Guest_41410015]

By all accounts I should be happy with my life, good job good friends, a range of hobbies. However I feel empty, like a part of my brain can’t experience true joy. I cry often at the smallest things and find myself afraid of disappointing/being seen as useless to those around me because I should be thankful for the life I have so I pretend and mask and appear very capable at work and in society but feel dead on  the inside. 

I struggle to find joy in hobbies I once pursued with so much passion and turn down hangouts with friends and family. Nothing sparks joy for me and I often feel this void. 

I look back at who I was 2-3 years ago and burst into tears because I can no longer see that person in me. 

[Croix]

Dear new member!

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, a friendly place where there is a lot of experience.

You remind me very much of me. I felt unhappy most of the tme, struggle to do things as I felt my efforts would be doomed to failure, plus no longer did hte things I used to enjoy as they no longer had any meaning. Like you my life should have seemed good, not broke, lovely family and a comfortable place to live with what was a satisfying job.

Everyday people would ask how I was as a normal greeting and I"d always say fine. It was part of the mask I wore, not letting others see the true me. While it might have avoided awkward conversations in the short term it only served to isolate me, leaving me alone with my thoughts and feelings - locking out the possibility of help from the outside.

It was the help from outside that was needed, there was no way I could fix myslef no matter how much I wanted to. Eventually things got so bad I was persuaded to see a GP, then a psychiatrist who diagnosed me wiht depression and anxiety conditions. 

I was given therapy and medication, and over time with changes in both as initially they did no good I reached the sort of therapy I needed and also the sort of meds.

Now I'm very much closer to how I used to be and lead a good life. I still have treatment, but that  is just part of life and not inconvenient. 

May I suggest you go see a doctor and set out how you have been feeling, then see what happens. If it worked for me I'd hope it will work for you.

Do you mind if I ask if you have anyone to give you support, a family member or friend you can take that mask off with and talk frankly? They only have to listen - and care, that's all. Going it alone is hard.

You are always welcome to talk or ask questions here

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that challenges you so much and in so many ways. 

I can't help but wonder whether you're in between who you were and who you're going to be. If you can imagine two cliff faces opposite each other with a significant void in between, could that be the void you're feeling? On one side there's safe and familiar territory and on the other side of the void there's completely unknown territory filled with a whole new level of inspiration, a whole new lot of friends to meet along with new hobbies or interests, a whole new way of life and feeling life. On the other side of the void, what would that place look like? If you can see it in your mind, even a glimpse of it, how does what you see lead you to feel? Can you see yourself in a different job? Can you see yourself sitting with people who have a whole different way of seeing and experiencing life? Can you see yourself pursuing an interest that maybe people have poo pooed in the past, which stopped you from actually pursuing it?

[trying_my_best]

Hi and welcome to the community! 

I totally understand what you’re going through! I went through it myself! Sometimes still do! Like you I have good friends and family, a job I finally like, and a range of hobbies that I often struggle to find the motivation to do. I also look back at who I was a few years ago and find myself thinking about the aspects of that person I liked about myself. I’ve also found myself in numb void spirals where it feels like I’m being sucked into a vortex that feels inescapable!

But I’m here to say it is possible! I feel like for me it was to explore a different side of my hobbies, actively make time to hang out with my friends, talk to my family about how I am feeling. I also feel like when I am reflecting on myself (something I have been doing a lot more recently) is think about what aspects of myself I like now about myself and look at reincorporating them into my life! For example, when I look back at the version of myself that I most want to be like again I think that she was active regularly, so I have reincorporated activity into my life! Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest impact! 

I wish you the best!