Trust

[MegW]

For years I have had depression, I am better now then in the last twenty years having taken control over some aspects of my life such as work and how I live.  For years I worked hard and gave much and only others benefited.  I am 45 now, I have little, I left my marriage with nothing and was in an accident that left me in debt, I have no savings but if I keep going I will be able to clear my debts by the end of next year and be able to save to have my own home.  I worry that it's too late in life for me to be able to save and pay off a home and I'll always have to just rent someone elses but I can only try, atleast either way I can afford my lifestyle, to keep a roof over my head and take care of my pets.

I went on a few dates after my marriage but the last ended after three months when he asked if I would support him so that he didn't have to go to work anymore.  After that I dismissed the idea of subjecting myself to any form of relationship, I have been on my own for two years, I have no family and my only human interaction is with work colleagues, I spend weekends alone with my pets for company and feel happy with this, I only occasionally think it may be nice to have someone to converse with or do activities with or hug.  I tried to join a bike club but found I actually prefer cycling alone, I joined the dog club and having a common interest through the dogs helps interacting with the people.

I feel safer, more comfortable and less stressed living alone then I ever did living with someone else.  I don't feel judged, put down or hurt, I only occasionally feel lonely, bored or afraid.  I feel good about myself when I achieve things and in my ability to manage my own affairs without a need to rely on anyone else.

Sometimes I try to imagine in another relationship or even just giving one a go but I dismiss the idea because I can't trust my ability to judge a good person from a bad one and am too afraid.  I think some people in life become so broken that they lose the ability to try again, people may say that I am cutting myself off from things that may turn out to be wonderful but I am also protecting myself from any further loss and pain.  I have an inability to try to trust any longer.  I have a tattoo which reads Trust No1 which can be read to mean either Trust Noone or Trust Number One and I do trust noone not even myself as I have made too many errors of judgement in the past.

Is it wrong to not trust ever again, why does it matter if I don't?

[CrashCoyote]

Hi MegW,

Thank you for posting.

I have always believed that trust is earned, not given. Usually over time and, like saving money, in small amounts at a time until it builds up.

Unfortunately, trust can be betrayed and very few people have the fidelity to remain true and place honour and integrity above greedy self interest at some point.

Still, it is impossible to have a close personal relationship with anyone unless we risk exposing ourselves to betrayal. I see it as a choice, avoid the risk of hurt at the expense of relationships, or have relationships and know that sometimes you will be hurt. There are rewards to relationships and it is a choice you need to make.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being a loner, but it is something I think you should talk to a health professional or one of the trained people at the web chat or 1300 service on this site.

Good luck with it.

Kind regards, John.

P.S. For the record, I was a policeman for thirty years and people would lie to me all the time, as you can imagine. It helped me to remember that for all the untrustworthy ones out there, there are many more who can be trusted. I just had to use common sense in both my expectations and dealings with people.

[HelenM]

Hi Meg,

What is really nice to read is that you enjoy your own and your pets company. I would say I'm the opposite to you. I am happily married and have never lived alone without being in a relationship. The thought of being alone really frightens me. My husband is 11 years older than me. although he's only 65 I worry about him dying before me. I have two grown up kids but do not see it as their job to look after me. And so I sometimes sit and wonder what will happen to me if I'm ever on my own.

Although I love being married I have a certain envy of you. You can look after yourself and your life and your pets. That makes you a success in my eyes. If you are happy I wouldn't worry too much about trust. enjoy what you have - you deserve it.

helen x

[CrashCoyote]

Hi MegW,

I am just wondering how you are going since your post?

Kind regards, John.