Thoughts?

[ChrisAspro]

Hi, 

As a bit of background. I am 41yo man who had a head injury back in 2011 which resulted in severe epilepsy, which has put me in the hospital more than once. The last one in 2023 put me in intensive care, fully intubated and med induced coma to stop the seizures. Lost control of the right side of my body, was completely non-verbal and they thought i was gone. Couldnt even remember who my family was, they were complete strangers.

I have lost who i was, i cant even really remember who i was anymore, or who i am. I have had people say to me "i know your not the same, brain is a bit damaged with all the seizures, but i still see you as the man you use to be".

I have been told that i just tell people what they want to hear to make them happy, because i feel obligated to, and i am not honest to my word, which sounds to me that i have and am a false character/personality.

People are fed up with me. 

I constantly feel empty, voided, no future prospects, no proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

I get told that i play the victim all the time.

I struggle to hold on to/remember some converations that only happened a few hrs ago to a few days. I get told i am off in my own world and am not present in life.

I live with my brother and his wife, who also looks after Mum.

He has given me opportunity after opportunity, and i just fail. 

My brother has provided the opportunity to put a little tiny home on his property, however being on a disablity pension they wont loan the money.

I struggle to deal with people and have a very small tollerance level and easily agitated, for which i have lost jobs regardless of my medical issues let alone get a job.

So now, the thought pattern... "i dont want to keep being a burden, i dont want to keep getting in everyones way and bringing them down, what do i do?", "do i leave everything behind, my cat, furniture, etc and just f*** off and disappear".

I dont really have a lot of friends, and i feel like a burden to my family and people around me.

[therising]

Hi ChrisAspro

I can hear the frustration in your words, amongst many other emotions, and my heart goes out to you at a time in your life where you're feeling such an intense push for change of some kind. 

Personally, I've found one of the keys to facilitating change of some kind entails becoming a more reasonable or reason able person. Being able to find the reasons for why we think, act and feel in the ways we do is a start. Before finding the reasons, we can be so incredibly hard on ourself.

Some examples to maybe consider when it comes to reason/s

• My brain (computer/processor) up there in my head hasn't been 'programmed' for me to be able to do the things I want or need to do. A couple of examples of programming, from the most basic to more complex involve 1)learning to toilet ourself when we're around the age of 2 and 2)learning/downloading a uni course into our brain that takes 4 years to fully download
• That 'computer/processor' has been damaged or is being damaged in some way that doesn't allow for certain 'programms' to run. I think of my dad who has progressive dementia. His brain no longer allows him to do things like drive a car, walk, recall information etc. You could say the dementia's deleting a lot of programs in his brain
• A lack of a constructive and solid sense of identity can definitely have side effects. If I can't develop the 'victor' in me, the side effects can involve me feeling helpless, feeling a sense of victim hood, feeling a sense of hopelessness etc. Of course, tiny victories here and there can mark the start of a shift in identity. A sense of victory can be found in our achievements. One could say 'By painting my brother's fence or helping my mother, I am victorious over the part of me that insists I sit in front of a laptop screen most of the day'. A sense of achievement also helps fuel certain chemistry in the brain
• Emotional interference is a biggy. What emotions can be interfering with a sense of progress? On one hand, great fear, self doubt, stress, overwhelm, sadness, a serious lack of emotion (zero energy in motion) can be some. On the other hand, the highs we get from sitting all day in front of our laptop or tv feel great but can also interfere with progress. The relief we feel from not facing what's challenging and constructive can get in the way of much needed progress at times

The list of reasons for why we tick the way we do continues. We don't think, act and feel in the ways we do for no good reason. There's always a reason. I've learned over the years, as a 55yo gal, it always pays to wonder about the reason/s, as opposed to jumping to the wrong conclusion such as 'I'm just hopeless' or 'I'm a waste of space'. I've found the wrong conclusion/s can become deeply depressing until I wake up to the right revelation/s. The right revelations have a sense of liberation about them, something that can be felt. Btw, when someone's giving us every opportunity to progress, it's important to ask the question 'Do these opportunities relate to their nature or mine?'. While it may not be in our nature to work with the public, it may be in our nature to thrive on working with animals. If every opportunity being given to us involves working with the public, of course we're not going to thrive.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear ChrisAspro,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums….

I am sorry, that you have had a head injury that left you with severe epilepsy….

Your last paragraph made my cry, please don’t be so hard on yourself or qever give up on yourself, your cat needs you, your mother loves you unconditionally and your brother also loves and cares for you…I doubt they think of you as a burden, more so they think about you with compassion and love for the son/brother they raised and grew up next to, who now is Very sadly unwell and are their for you and happy to give you the help you need…

Okay, so opportunities have been given to you and they didn’t work out, maybe because they were not the right ones…not because you failed at all…you tried your best and that’s all anyone can do…it’s just a matter of finding something that you can do confidently and to seek out ways of doing it, whether it be a job, a hobby or just for your own self to enjoy…

A lot of people (including me) will say what people want to hear to avoid any conflict, I don’t think it’s about not being yourself, but more about wanting to keep people happy..and not wanting conflict…

You are still you ChrisAspro, maybe a little different in your brain, but your true self, your soul and caring heart are still who you were and will always be who you are…

Sending you a gentle caring hug…(if that’s okay)..🤗, my kindest thoughts 🦋💭 and care 🌈.

Grandy…