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This is hard to talk about
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So for most of my life I was almost completely straight (until I was about 22 or 23 I think), but before then, the only attraction I had towards other girls was really mild, like sometimes if i was talking to a girl and they were really nice to me, I felt... whatever you would call that type of thing, like sort of romantic attraction, I think? But back then, it rarely happened and I was mostly just attracted to guys. But even though I rarely felt attracted to girls when I was actually around them, when I had "particular alone time", I thought about other girls with a sexual attraction and then when I finished having "particular alone time", I felt really awkward because I didn't feel comfortable with being bisexual in any way at all.
When I was in year 6, I was really excited about starting high school the next year because for some reason I thought that I was going to become the prettiest and most popular girl in school and be really thin, have great style, etc, but the next year, another girl was the pretty popular girl and I was like um, what the hell? That was suppose to be me! So I was really annoyed at her and then one day I thought, she may be pretty and popular, but... she hasn't done anything to me? So I stopped hating her and then I found out she was going out with a guy in one of my classes and at first I didn't mind too much, but one day, in P.E, we were doing this running thing where you had to get to this end point by a certain amount of time by running and walking and at one stage, while we were walking the girl, her boyfriend and another one of their friends came up to me and had a chat and her boyfriend said something to me that was kind of funny so then I had a crush on him (shy girls get crushes really easily) and the same thing happened the next day so then I started hating the girl again (my bad). There was another guy who I also liked in the year above us as well so I was trying to figure out which guy I liked more because liking two guys at the same time is hard.
Later on during the year, I think I ended up having some type of girl crush on the girl who I was jealous of, it was confusing though because I wasn't attracted to her when I was actually around her, I just thought about her sometimes when I was alone (if you get what I mean), and then later I felt really awkward.
(I'll write some more soon).
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The girl was sometimes really nice to me and she would try to help me with my confidence, so then I thought, maybe I shouldn't hate her? But I still kind of did (I didn't actually hate her, it was more like I was just angry/jealous).
When I was in year 10, I joined a forum and at first I was okay on there and then after a while, I started being really mean to people on there (I didn't realize how mean I was being at the time and I would say mean stuff about people from school because I thought they would find it funny (I didn't have very good social skills, well, I still don't, but anyway). I also ended up making some troll accounts, partly so I could say mean stuff to people on there (usually people I was annoyed with) and partly because of a social situation that was going on at school that I couldn't talk to anyone about in real life so I would make accounts that sort of resembled some of the people who were bullying me. A lot of people pretended to be me on there, but I didn't know a the time. I would also look up stuff in the search button on my other accounts that was um kind of weird because I didn't think anyone knew/ would find them and people did in fact find out about my other accounts and somehow could see what I was looking up though I still didn't know at the time.
I had no interest in doing anything like what I was searching irl though. (It's kind of like with the "particular alone time thing" - I didn't want to do those things irl).
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One day, someone said something on there that made me wonder if people from my school could see what I was searching so I started being a lot more careful with what I was looking up and after a while, I didn't even want to look those sorts of things up anymore and wondered why I did in the first place.
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At almost the end of the next year (which was the worst year I have ever had), I was having a psychotic episode and I thought that someone on the forum was the girl who I was jealous of so then I had the "great" idea that I would explain to her that I didn't really hate her, I was just jealous of her because I thought that it would make her feel better and it was just suppose to be a "Look how dumb I was" type of moment
