thinking im a bad person and i dont understand why

[star65]

hi,have had depression since child due to a stepfather that made my life hell.grew up thinking i was worthless.teenage years were a game,realising i was far from ugly gave me a fake confidence,but could never risk letting others close.married a religious non drinker as a way of saving me from where was headed.we were vry different,made myself into what he wanted.good mother of 5 kids,devoted wife.to everyone we were the perfect family.was content for lot of yrs but always sad underneath grew into habit crying myself to slp husband never knew.mentioned depression,he wouldnt hear of me seeing somebody,was a mar on family name,so kept up happy family image for yrs.later could no longer sleep,only cry.couldnt get up to get children off to school,struggled doing housework,shut off family.began computer game son was on,met people made me feel good first time in yrs.son asked me to say i was his sister because wasnt cool havn mum.lead me to become friends with a guy on there and before knew it,was so messed up,believed i was falling for him even though he stl thought i was a single sister.its true 1 lie leads to another,felt trapped confused.all came out after only 3wks and felt forced to leave.couldnt take kids with me,slept at sisters.kids were convinced didnt want them,wouldnt be hard way id behaved last yr.i believed i didnt deserve them and ended with only youngest halftime.i didnt even have guts to go to court,only legalaid which he reminded me after was a waste of time,he wouldnt brings kids in.nrly 8 yrs have past,he recently convinced my baby to leave.her note said her dad said she shouldnt have to put up with me having a bf and she was missing too many familyfunctions there.that was 3mnths ago.round same time i thought id finally met kindest guy in world,hes jst left me,no reason given,we had no fights.his family have told me he felt guilty,hes an acute drug addict,hid it and i had no idea,feeln crushed.1 of my girls has made me a grandma first time few wks ago also.was let know as i was about to visit,would be too awkward for my ex and not to come.hit me hard.my mum spoke to them upset for me,now even oldest and my babygirl wont reply.ive said and done nothing to them and wish they would let me know why.1 daughter has said im toxic and mabey shes right.every person i love leaves,must be something wrong with me. i cant understand though if its true,why do all my friends and clients feel so close to me and regularly tell me im a beautiful caring person.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Star65

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for providing your post – your post so in depth and so difficult and sad for you and with you battling your illness all the way through with what I can only assume as pretty much no support.

You ended your post saying that your friends and clients tell you that you are a beautiful and caring person.  Just reading through your post, I can get a gist for where they are coming from.  You sound kind-hearted, loving and also someone who would go out of their way to make sure that others are looked after.  And above all that, I hope I’m note hitting a raw bone here, but I believe that all you would have wanted in return is to be loved.  But you seemed to miss that as a child, through an abusive step-father and then a husband who didn’t want to know or care or help.

There is so much in your post here Star65 – I firstly hope that just by coming here, that it’s helped even in a small way;  just by being able to write it all down.  It must be also so hard in that it’s been a long while now since you’ve seen your children.  I couldn’t imagine how difficult that would be.

May I ask, now that you’re away from your husband, have you made steps to try to seek out professional help (GP) and/or counselling via a psychologist, etc??  Or perhaps even anti-depressants??

Again I would like to say thank you for coming here and I do hope you’ll be able to post back again.

Kind regards

Neil

[star65]

Thankyou neil.i like to believe i am a kind caring person.prob more so after all ive been through.i have tried antidepressents for short while when married.had an accident because my head wasnt my own.only proved husband right,they didnt help me. I saw a counciller few times about 6mnths after left.was good,made me realise i wasnt only one to blame.ive been fortunate to have caring friends workmates and clients around me alot and caring for others in my job is my best medicine.i need to feel needed i guess.im afraid to be alone and i know its something i need to accept and spend sometime finding myself again.few men i have seen over yrs i have tried so hard to spoil and love them,always forgiving tempers,cheating etc till ive got to a point im emotionally burnt out.start asking is it me? I feel i use men as a crutch,the need to be needed thing.i hate it. Im struggling more at moment because brsides being rotten few mnths i have bn housebound with flu 3wks,missing others who keep me distacted.i know only matter of time and ill need more help.worse ive bn in yrs.sadness wont go

[Neil_1]

Hi there Star65

Doesn’t it suck massively – when you’re feeling low and crap anyway, but then to be struck down by the flu as well – I mean, that’s all we need!!

Do you think that in the near future, you may be able to get back to your counsellor again?  From what you wrote above, it seems the last time you went, it was a useful thing??

With this flu that you’ve got, do you think you’ll be well enough soon to get back to your work?  As that place, the workmates and clients sound like it’s a positive thing for you.  I hope this is the case.

Kind regards

Neil

[star65]

Hi neil,it surely does put you down when your healths off as well.while i can keep active it helps me alot.usually i overdue things though and pay for it in other ways.ive slowed down alot lately due to spinal probs.handling it well though,have just had to accept im not a young guy and shouldnt be diggin landscaping and doing renoes myself for 8hrs at a time.ive also cut work days back,all an adjustment.hoping to go back to work nxt wk if all is well.if was any other job id grin and bare it but working round elderly have to be careful.have 3 wks so far chest infection from flu and tummybug,pretty wornout and just wont go.im vry independant and hate relying on others so bn hard.i made myself go and get few food items today,house was bare.i am in better frame of mind today ty,i think unloading on here and good long cry helped.when flu goes i will see somebody.my surgery has physiologist jst need referral.raining here,and free fireworks,scary alone but beautiful.have a lovely night 🙂 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Star65

This latest post of yours, I found to have a number of little positives that you wrote about – better frame of mind, speaking about getting back to work, getting out for some groceries and the very good thing about being on here and unloading.  There were more as well, but just thought I’d pick those out – Star65, there’ll all very good things to hear.

However, your spinal problems don’t sound so good – I do hope you can get that seen to or have some kind of relief for it and soon.

Wowee, what a night – fireworks AND rain;  I don’t mind fireworks, but absolutely LOVE rain.  Hmmmm, perhaps I should move to Seattle in the U.S. – it’s renowned for being a very wet place.

Stay with us here for as long as you wish too – it’s great hearing from you.

Kind regards

Neil