They only love me in a not wanting me to die kind of way

[Earth Girl]

I have a life that seems as good as it could possibly be. I live in a nice street in an area where it's easy to get to places. I live with my parents, and our house is nice, and we also have a beautiful garden (my Mum was a horticulturist). We aren't rich by any means, but in some ways, I could be considered quite privileged. My parents also seem like very happy, pleasant people as soon as they enter the front door to the garden or as soon as they park the car when we have arrived somewhere. (They often argue with each other for the whole drive to places, but as soon as they find somewhere they want to park, all of a sudden, they are all happy and act like nothing happened). 

Behind closed doors though, things aren't so perfect. My Dad literally does NOT want to talk to me... AT ALL. Practically all he says to me is "Good morning", "I'm going to work now, have a nice day", "Good night." It's like I'm a... goldfish? He doesn't need to talk to me much at all. Or even see me really. My Mum on the other hand talks A LOT, but she doesn't want to talk TO me either, instead, most of the time, she talks AT me. She has to tell me every tiny detail about every single insignificant thing that happens to her. If she opens an avocado and it turns out not to be a good one like she thought it was going to be, she blubbers on AT me about how she's disappointed. (That avocado shit happens to me all the time, but I don't tell anyone about it because it's BORING). I don't know how to explain how she tells me every tiny detail about everything that happens to her to get people to realize how crazy it is because when I write it down, it doesn't sound that bad, but she'll literally treat me as something she can tell everything to and not care about what I have to say at all. I could ask her "Are we going to.... on Sunday?" And she's like "I agree! How can you ride a horse with the bridal like that?" _ WTF?  My Mum actually has really cool hobbies, but she doesn't want to talk to me about anything else! By the time she's finally stopped talking AT me, I could ask her a question, and she'd be like "Oh, I'm just going to use the computer now." Sometimes I have to walk away from her when she's talking at me, and she'll either keep talking because she thinks that everyone must be there when she wants them to be or she'll follow me around the house! 

They don't see me as a person with a personality; they see me as someone they want to keep alive. They love talking TO my older sister. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Earth Girl,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like things at home feel really painful and lonely right now. It must be incredibly hard to feel like you’re surrounded by people but not truly seen or understood. Wanting that genuine connection and not getting it can leave you feeling invisible, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling so hurt.

You’ve expressed yourself with such clarity here, and that shows a lot of insight into your situation. Sometimes, when family dynamics feel this distant or one-sided, reaching out elsewhere whether through a friend, counsellor, or spaces like this forum, can help you find the understanding and validation you deserve. If the heaviness ever starts to feel too much, please remember that you can talk to someone anytime by calling Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or reaching out to Lifeline (13 11 14). Both are available 24/7 and can listen without judgement.

We’re really glad you’ve shared this here. You’re not alone, and you deserve to be heard and supported.

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

[Earth Girl]

Thanks Sophie M for your response! And thanks for understanding how I feel. I was worried that it would sound like I was overreacting to little things, but yes, it's very painful and lonely a lot of the time at home and I don't feel seen or understood.

I was crying a lot last night in bed and my Dad came and asked if I was okay and he sounded like he genuinely cared this time whereas usually, he acts like I'm overreacting. When I told him that I've tried to explain to him why I feel this way, they (Mum and Dad) don't understand. He told me he didn't know what to do, but also gently told me that he hopes I sleep well tonight. So this gave me some hope, but there have been other times they have given me some hope just to end up hurting me again not long later. 

I don't have any friends which makes it harder and people from school keep saying they don't know why I'm lonely even though I "have my family" because they don't realize what it's truly like at home. 

I'm really glad I have Beyond Blue though!

[Earth Girl]

I don't think I even love my parents anymore. I care about them, but I don't love them. I basically now feel the same way about them that they feel about me. When it comes to my family, I only like my nephew and my younger sister. I feel really bullied by the rest of them. My younger sister has been shutting me out a lot though since I was about 15. Recently she's been wanting to talk to me more over the phone. I hope that when she comes to visit us (which will probably be around the Christmas holidays) that she will want to go to a cafe with me. She said we could get a coffee when she comes to visit and I didn't have to ask her, but I'm not sure if she'll still want to or if she'll change her mind. 

She told me over the phone that the second last time Mum and Dad talked to her over the phone that she could tell that Dad didn't want to talk to her at all, and he literally just said "Hi" and then "I've got to call someone else now, goodbye" and when it came to Mum, she just talked at her the whole time and then said good bye. So, it's like they were treating her the same way they have been treating me for years. 

She said to me that she thinks our parents are Narcissistic (which I agree with), and she says we will end up like them if we don't keep working on ourselves and get therapy. My sister and I are the only ones who can see that our family has this problem. If we told our parents about this, which we wouldn't, they wouldn't be able to see it, especially in themselves. They seem to think it has to be extremely bad for it to be considered that, and they don't think they are really doing anything wrong. I felt bad for my sister when she told me how our parents talked to her, but I'm glad that she can see this too now and it's not just me who can sense the generational narcissism within our family. We get that our Dad's childhood must have been really hard and quite hard for our Mum too, but they don't see that they are wrong for what they do to us. They don't even think they are doing anything. When I talk to my parents about how I feel ignored by them, they tell me "We're not perfect!" "Other families have it worse!" "It's common for families not to talk to each other much" "You can't expect us to want to talk to you all the time!" (Even though they don't talk to me at all).

[Earth Girl]

They act so differently when out in public and that even includes in the garden. They even talk differently when outside or when certain people are around. Outside, they speak very gently and my Dad even sounds... worried/nervous? But inside the house, when it's just us, my Mum will often be all screechy and cranky and my Dad will speak in this really intimidating, grumpy tone. It's often like walking on eggshells, but when out and about, they are super warm and friendly.