The supporter needs a bit of propping

[MC2]

Um evening all,

It has been a while, I was on here a few years ago, and after some good advice I sort grief councilling and therapy for ptsd As part of this I was told to stop touching base he as it was affecting me.

This helped me at the time and then I paid it forward so to speak. I supported my wife through post natal depression after our first son was born. I bought her family in to support her mental recovery while I shouldered the physical workload. I helped a colleague with mental health issues confront them and seek professional help even after in the throws he tried to get me sacked with false claims (something he recanted and apologised for)

All of this while I struggled with the raw feelings of bringing a new son into a world where I had failed to protect my first and his mother.

I am currently helping another friend through different portion of his life as well, and now I have manage to get talking to a pro, I have had to step back because it hurts to much.

So why am I here....

Because through all this I have lost my close friends. I have nothing outside work/family. I've tried to build new friendships and get out there but I am still shouldering a large portion of the child caring and household work and working full time on compressed days.

I continue to struggle with the past I know I will never come to peace with.

Though I carry a lot of the childcare everyday I am constantly discriminated against"just the dad, you don't do enough." From childcare, to family and I rarely get support to push back from the wife who still struggles with her mental health. An example, a recent rare night out, a "friends wife" said to my face "Men are useless in parenting it is always up to the mother to do all the work" and as a white middle aged man I feel I can't even defend myself without being label a "__ist". My wife laughed and said "I know right". As I left to chase our child and bring him back.

I tried to start some hobbies again only to be scammed out of what little money I had.

Every time I raise an issue at work wether it is OH&S, workplace bullying of other staff or quality, I am thoroughly beaten down.

I have lost two friends through sudden and unjust instances .

I am so tired and I am lying here 1230 at night, in the spare bedroom so to not wake the wife, crying because I needed talk to someone.. and realised... I have no one in my contacts close enough I would trust to open up too.

I would talk here before anyone I know.

sorry.

Mj P

[MC2]

Hi Coix,

Sorry for delays and if the post is a bit less together. I had to go back on the tools the last couple days and threw my back out again in the process so I am be wibbly wobbly hazy, like will not even remember this on the morning.

OH HI Sophie, thanks so much for the heads up on all that info. I have not had a chance to look yet as it is hard to focus at the moment on reading. Once I get through this week, chiro Saturday and Sunday, (kiddo permitting), some time to allow the back to ease I will be off these 'little yellow pills' and I will start into these.

Thanks Croix on the complements on my ramblings. That is the best part of writing, you can chew, change, delete, come back and decide to write. Makes thoughts clearer.

That fear you experience from the anger can shake you to your core can't it. It also comes with other fears like, wether wether you like that look of fear on their faces. I have hurt people in the past, certainly not on purpose and certainly I feel the utmost remorse for those actions. It is a constant internal struggle sometimes. Thankfully I have great supervisor and he knows when to stop a meeting or send me on an errand.

The best control measures that has worked for me is to reduce the background anger. Think of it like this. There is the old adage of hitting the ceiling when you are angry. Well if you carry anger everyday it like standing on a table in that room. The smallest jump, your head is through the plasterboard. Or if you are like me and 6 foot. Standing means your heads through the plaster board. If you reduce the anger you carry, the lower the starting point. I used to be a low set coffee table. Now I am between and dining chair and the table again.

I do stress relief through personal activity and quite alone time. That has been um.... hard to come by. Introvert here.

Yeah the wife and I are fine. She has her demons and I have mine, I support her 100%. Yeah she can be a little oblivious sometimes but that could also be down to how well I hide stuff as to not worry her. Also I have never raised a single finger against her or anyone for that matter in 20 years as well. Just making it clear, no DV and I support the fight against it in every form both ways!

Yeah, I did the writing style to try and sort my past out, but it was to much (volume wise I think) and they kind of side lined it a bit. However I am definitely keen to try again, though maybe be a bit more concise this time and not 35k work document ha ha.

MC2

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

This post is a bit higgledy-piggledy, sorry bout that, not concentrating that well this evening.

That last bit about the account turning into a volume strikes a bell, I found it very hard to reduce things down too, though I managed in the end. It was a bit of a thinking exercise, with a list of two examples showing the range from each area where I was in trouble, even then an impressive list:)

As an example I'd include jumping up in anger, almost violent or simply seeming to ignore a person who brought me back to the present. Both caused by my mind seeking out and being over-full of past events to the exclusion of the present. I hope you get the idea.

So what do you think might bring you back down to coffee-table level?

Your supervisor sounds a gem, and just goes to point out it's not always possible to control matters properly by oneself, it can take two at times. That's not only with anger but other things too. The anxiety part of my condition will lead me to catastrophize (neat word:) something and she is able to talk me down to a level with more perspective.

Hope the pain reduces to level you are on less intrusive meds, it makes a big difference

Croix

As an example jumping up in anger semi-violent when disturbed as I mentioned before as against simply being uncommunicative on the same sort of occasion were both related to my mind being over-full of past experiences. I hope that sort of makes sense.

So what do you think is the best way to get back down to coffee-table level?

I'm very glad you and your wife are together, I noticed you mentioned you try not to burden her with your problems. May I ask if you have considered if this is a good thing (for both of you)? You are isolated and holding yourself in check- building up stress, she may be wondering what's wrong and blaming herself. That's a guess, and in any case only one possible result.

[MC2]

Oh geez,

Sorry, for all my weirdness on the last post, I was taking something given to my wife after her last surgery and miss judged the dose and ended up very sick. Overnight stay in hospital sick. Still haven't heard the end of that...

Hi Sarah, I am working through the list of helpful links you posted. The first one was interesting however not the most relevant to the situation as I do not engage in conflict between myself and my significant other. 99.998% of the times. I mean let's face it we've been together 11 yours and only had..aw 3ish serious arguments. Namely I roll over when it comes to her.

After my first wife and child passed under violent circumstance from her father, I lost all stomach for confrontation with people I love. Maybe that is part of the problem.

I am currently reading a lot in the forums both people's experiences and responses. I am not to a point of posting yet but it is interesting seeing similar feelings and situations from an outside perspective.

I find myself frustrated because I feel my mind works on a different wave length. Not smarter, hopefully not dumber, just different.. so I don't always hit the mark for communicating a point. Sometimes I think people take advantage of this. I will continue to read and I will look a giving back with hard lessons learned as well as asking for help.

Hey Croix, sorry again for my ahh.. message.

I am coming to a hard reality check that I am a introvert. I mean I do like gatherings to a point but find to many people extremely draining. So to recharge and step off the table I do solo activities. Model building and pc gaming. YouTube crawls, though I have to be careful there I have hit some nasty stuff that has made me spiral into depression. Just the depravity of some people that call themselves human.

I flew off the handle today at work.

..during a work meeting.. with OH&S group... I tried, to distance myself from topic, I tried distractions during the meeting, and even excused myself for a fake emergency in the lab. I have spent 15 years in the industry I am in, 8 years with the current company and the 8 years I have been fighting for basic extraction for silica dust.

I thought I had it lined up and just crossing i's and doting T's to find one OH'S manager is chasing alternative measures...... as a cost cutting measure! Even after I listed the issue with it.

I have sent one last ditch email then otherwise I wash my hands and start the good fight from scratch.

MC2

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

Nothing to apologize for, the last post I read was fine.

Not sure what to say about you ‘borrowing’ meds, I would think you are quite capable of working out the downsides of that for yourself, and I’m not surprised if you have not heard the last of it either.

I guess I am wondering what made you try to cope that way, did something especially difficult happen?

In you have only had 3 or so arguments in 11 years you are doing pretty well, and I don’t think the concept of ‘rolling over’ is right, from what you write you can be fiery and determined if you believe something is worth it, your fights on the matter of silica dust is an example. It’s a pity commercial factors have overridden your efforts.

In domestic situations often one person is more liable to de-escalate a potential argument than the other, if it works - good!

I’d expect that time by yourself can be just what is needed, not everyone is a ‘people person’ and sometimes your own thoughts can be the best company and have a calming influence.

I’m glad you are thinking of joining some of the other threads, I’ve found helping as well as getting assistance myself is a good combo, with a feeling of usefulness.

I’d not write off all of Sophie’s links just yet, even if the scenarios don’t quite fit you may still pick up some worthwhile tips

Hope to talk again

Croix

[MC2]

Hi all,

Sorry for the silence it's been 1 numbat of a week or so.

I was taking the wife's painkillers so I could sleep and the must have taken another dose while under the influence of a previous round, I ended up in hospital for that and then under the pump from work and home due to the time off.

Got pneumonia

While still recovering got put on the national stage for my field by work

Then it happened. I am still confounded why of all times he decided now.

Trigger warning ***

Please don't read further if you have any trigger issues ****

Still reading, ok will here goes

As it may have been mentioned a long time ago, my first wife while pregnant was................ lost.... at the hands of her own father before he, inturn lost himself after realising what he had done.

Her family always blamed me and I have as well. I have had very little contact with the family in all that time but back a few years her brother rocked up to basically apologised for the actions of the family, both legal and not. Saying that I would be left alone from that point on. It was one of the hardest moments of my life along with losing her.

This was a bit of a mixed feeling at the time because I suddenly went from a 0 social media and shut in life to well you can be "normal".

My second wife and I moved to a new area, new home,we started a new life and a new family. I have worked hard to draw that line in the sand and go," ok now looking to the future". I struggled, really struggled with kiddo, every milestone was, well he would have been aged ## by now if he had been born, but I managed to get through and pull and hold a life together. Now yes, not working great at the moment but hey, from where I was, perspective.

Well, He came back, the brother

God he looked like his father, only saw him the once after he beat her and was leaving the apartment. I saw him from a distance as I arrived.

I remember he was carrying something and everything just was right back to the day I was told. The blood pounding in my ears the suffocating guilt and the fear. I went into fight or flight mode and for the first time, I ran... apparently. I don't remember they found me in bushland out the back of work screaming.

I had been taken to hospital and I am not 100%sure what I have had done yet but I am released for home stay.

I am really shaken up though,he wasn't supposed to be back why is he back, he can't be back.

I have let the local police no that he should not be back.

does he know where I live?

[MC2]

Just got a call from work and, this nightmare is real. It was really him and his company (guessing formally his fathers)has just signed a deal with ours and he was there for a tour of the facilities.

Work is concerned but also furious over the incident and he has asked and the company is demanding an apology by tomorrow!

My only point of salvation is that he wants it by tomorrow as he flies back to his Melbourne office tomorrow. So I do not have to be in contact with him every day. I have requested that I complete a written apology in light of me being away on "sick leave" and I am waiting to hear back.

There is no way he didn't not know I worked for this company as I have made a very loud presence known within the industry.

I have tried to get on to my usual therapist but they are on leave and the hospital put me on a waiting list ofcaurse not that I want to start from scratch.

Aaaghh

Why now, I thought we had an understanding and made it clear we would actively avoid ever meeting again.

To top it all off there is a package addressed to me personally from him on the desk at work!!

WTAF! I don't want want to deal with this, I can't deal with this on top of everything else.

some guidance here would be appreciated, anything. At the moment I am at a complete loss. I don't think I have in me to even write a letter of apology to a man the threatened to end my life for the beat part of a decade.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MC2, 

Thank you for being a part of this community and for taking the brave step to tell your story and seek support. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time with past traumas coming back into your life. We can totally understand that this would be a distressing thing to manage. 

We think it would be worthwhile giving our phoneline (1300 22 4636) a call to talk about how this is making you feel. Especially if you find yourself becoming highly and acutely distressed. The physical symptoms you are describing are difficult to mamage on our own, but if you can give us a call when you feel this way our team may be able to help. 
Another great option during these times is to call Lifeline on 13 11 14 - they are equally wonderful at supporting people in the moment. 

It is important that if you do ever feel unsafe that this is an emergency and that you should call 000. 

We hope that you are feeling ok and that sharing your experiences has helped in some way. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[MC2]

Hi All,

Sorry for they absences again It has been a very hard time for me and I have been mentally and physically crippled for a bit as the world seemed to collapse in on me.

I took the advice and called a helpline (Work funded) and had a panic attack whilst on it. I got to a point where I agreed to an apology via a conference call and support through my direct supervisor which I put in a massively difficult position. Him half knowing the storey and trying to support me and upper management not knowing a thing of the history, nor caring(their words) saying but it's millions of dollars you are putting at risk.

On mental health leave, supervisor picked me up and drove me to work with promise of company paid uber back.

So there I was, sat in his office getting more and more anxious then super gets a phone call the bloke is going to show up on site instead, he leaves the room to try and stop this and stop me from listening in to combo as I start to spiral.

Friend gets sent on to help calm me done and says, hey there is a package for you, here take your mind off on it and have a look. Hands me an A4 envelope, not really thinking I take it and open it trying to focus on the task pull out, realising to late it was from him... and

sorry I can't.

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

You simply do not have to say anything more, or explain. What you have covered in your previous posts is more than enough. It is plain to see your life has been one of extrodinary torment and the last few events have simply gone the worst way possible.

Life has been unjust and unfair and you have been greatly injured, both in the short and long term. Please cut yourself some slack and try to understand you are judging yourself harshly, when it is others plus events that deserve that judgment.

You are a good person, you have love inside you, you understand your wife's problems and try your hardest to help her and relive her of added burdens. You love you offspring too. You work hard at giving.

To remain so loving and considerate despite all that has happened shows the real you, not the one that has the anger, takes extra meds to cope, cannot face some things and does others without remembering. They have all been forced on top, and I am sure that like me, in time they will lessen and not govern your life to anything like the same extent.

Coping is hard to impossible at times, and it is easy to get lost in a maze of doctors, physical pain, memories and current highly distressing events.

So coping needs to be bolstered as best you can. Trying to find small moments of distraction -even enjoyment, can often be achieved. I was in fact surprised that this could be so when in a similar state.

A mental retreat to a different world is something to find by exercising your ingenuity and inventiveness. I had luck on my side when a kind psych nurse gave me his adolescent fantasy books to read and they clicked. I'm hoping you will have similar luck and something practical clicks with you.

It is worth the effort to find out. Reading might not be your thing, but podcasts may be, hear-a-books (free from the internet) or anything at all. Even something as bizarre a diamond painting (yes I know, I'm not making good suggestions, that's up to you). Then battle the guilt and the clock and make time to give to yourself a little.

Write when you can , and know in the meantime there is no pressure from here, just a warm reception

Croix

[MC2]

I am in an unfamiliar position. Depression is a black dog I have dealt with for years. It is born of pain, guilt and regret. Anger is my curse that I struggle to contain but have done so relatively successfully now for some time but a constant drain mentally and physically.

Latest events have led to crippling anxiety and fear which is something completely new.

The envelope contained a picture with "never forget" written on it. The picture was of her, of the love I have lost. Taken by police on that day she was taken from us. The first time I had seen the angelic face those amazing eyes in years. But there was no focus and the sparkle was gone as she lay there in the picture. I never saw the police report. I never sort it out. I only was told by one member of her family what had happened. There was always that small part of me that still held onto this fantasy that it was all a nightmare that somehow she was still alive. That last vestige shattered

The super came back in as sat in the corner of the office staring at the picture. He through the handbook out the window and carefully tugged the picture out of my hands, though I fought that.

He had me escorted off site and sent home. He has been touch but otherwise I have been on forced absence while he does his best to save my job.

Which is hard, as armed with the photo local authorities were called and after a statement from me and others involved the are trying to charge him with a slue of various things.

Which brings us to his company clearly pulling out of the multimillion deal with ours which understandably his ramifications for my position or apparently lack there of.

Putting my family and everything I have built at risk. I am sure this was his plan from the start.

I feel worse because knowing what is happening, the stakes that are ridding on this I have said nothing to my wife besides, I am sick and taking time off.

Meanwhile all I can think of, from when I wake up until I finally pass out at night from exhaustion, alcohol or meds is that face. That beautiful person who had so much to give this world. Who was so smart she left me way behind. Contorted into something that I can't even describe. Pain terror and unimaginable sadness.

It was like everything I can only imagine she went through in those final moments poured out her eyes and bored straight into my sole.

And it has consumed me. Now I am questioning everything I have done and achieved.

I have a friend who is checking in on me at the moment.